The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 6-No More Spanking!

It is time for another addition in the ongoing epic journey into why the Government should control all aspects of our lives.  As stated before–we cannot do it alone.  We have too much going on with eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, walking, sitting, we hardly have time for working, parenting, or managing any other part of our lives.  My solution—let the Government do it–what other body of individuals knows better how we should live and act than our esteemed elected officials?  None.

Today the Boston has the following story about helping all of us out in an area that we fail at day in and day out–parenting:


BOSTON — Lawmakers on Beacon Hill are set to consider a proposed ban on spanking children in the commonwealth. NewsCenter 5’s Shiba Russell reported that the issue is set for debate at a Statehouse hearing Wednesday morning.  The Boston Herald reported that State Rep. Jay Kaufman filed the spanking ban petition at the request of an Arlington, Mass., nurse who wants Massachusetts to become the first state in the country to stop corporal punishment.   If this proposal does become law and parents are caught hitting their children who are under the age of 18 they could be charged with abuse or neglect.

It is about time don’t you think?  I mean after all, “spanking” is obviously a form of abuse.  I, um…this is hard for me…was a victim of spanking.  Yes it’s true and it has caused me great emotional distress and anguish over the years.  For example, I break into hives everytime I see any of the following items:


And this next one–well I’m choked up even mentioning it:

  Oh, it is so awful.

But I’m one of the lucky ones.  Despite the “waterboard-like” torture I received as a child, I rose above, through grit and determination I suppressed my memories of those days in hell and went to law school and am doing well.  But not all people can say that.  Some never really get over their spanking experiences.  Like these poor ballet stars:


 Some sickos actually made a career opportunity out of their experiences:

So I must give my praise to Mass. for such innovative and parental-controlling legislation.  Mass. has always been so smart about parents though.  For example, in 1999, in a case called ENO v. LMM the Superior Court decided that there can be such a thing as a “De Facto Parent” a person-not a real parent-that has had such an influence on a child’s life that he/she can get visitation rights for that child.  What a great idea!  Along with the anti-spanking and the chance to see a Kennedy, I’m really considering a move.

Having given the De Facto Parent idea some thought I have decided to petition the Court in Mass. to declare certain individuals a De Facto Parent of mine.  Here are my choices:

1.  Donald Trump-He has made me realize the importance of allowing my hair to naturally bald itself right on out–for that reason alone I think he should be declared my De Facto Parent–and he is freaky rich.

2.  Oprah Winfrey-She has influenced me so much.  I know now that if you eat all the time, you will not lose weight.  I know that if you write down in a book that all you have to do is think about something and it will happen, she will put that book on her show and make you rich.  One of her good friends is Dr. Phil-need I say more? –I think she should be declared my De Facto parent because of her influences–and she is freaky rich.

3. Billy Joel–(first–I have all of his Cd’s so–duh)-But also-he has shown me that you can be kind of a 1 in looks and still marry 10’s.  He has shown me that you can be short and balding and still marry good looking intellingent girls that are half your age.  For these reasons-he has taught me to never give up and therefore he should be my De Facto Parent–and he is freaky rich.

Hopefully one of these will stick.  As for the spanking issue–who can argue with it?  After all–these people were never spanked and they are famous:

Hillary Silly  This was the only time she was spanked actually.

  The Kennedy’s never spanked.

  So famous–and no spanking.

   Not only famous-but ellusive and a master at video technology.

 Thank you Mass.  Now I can create a family where Donald Trump and Oprah are my parents and I know they won’t spank me if I’m bad which will allow me to become a world-famous, egomaniacal, drunk murderer who will continue to thrive despite my wrongdoings and get lots of TV time.

The truth is–without laws like this we will continue to adhere to thoughts like this one:

 Because as we all know–if the Government doesn’t tell us how to parent–how will we know how?


Explore posts in the same categories: 1, Current Events, funny, Government, Humor, Law, Life, News, Parenting, Politics, Satire, Thoughts on the World

2 Comments on “The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 6-No More Spanking!”

  1. kristiane Says:

    If I buy the lifting and spanking machine can I be excused from the law seeing as though it is not my own hand?

  2. mklasing Says:

    Very intuitive–you should be a lawyer ya know. I think if your kids are bizarre enough to voluntarily get on the spanking machine and let ‘r rip then you will be excused.

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