Archive for the ‘Satire’ category

2010 Christmas Ideas From The Left: A Holly Nancy Pelosi Christmas!

November 24, 2010

Well as we arrive at Thanksgiving we stuff ourselves full of Turkey and Dressing and Cranberry Sauce and watch a little football and then wake up early to attack Black Friday.   We here at MKCB don’t want you to be out there looking around from store to store trying to find the perfect gift–we want to give you some fantastic ideas.  As you know, the left in our Country is about Hope and Change and all that is good.  Therefore, we have decided, in the Spirit of the Season, to list for you some wonderful gifts that will bring Hope and only cost a little Change.  Ho Ho Ho!

Top 5 Gift Ideas for 2010 From The Democratic Party of the Combined Union of States of America:

1.  Planned Parenthood Gift Cards

That’s right folks, surely you have that special someone on your list that, well, may need to rethink the next few months and shed that “mistake” that President Obama talked about in 2008.  Well, look no further than Planned Parenthood.

Planned Parenthood says Give the Gift of Abortion for Christmas by Albert Milliron

Yes, its true, you can give the gift of “choice” to someone who is saving up for that special decision to put “self” before others.  And while you are there don’t forget to pick up a stylish “Choice on Earth” T-Shirt.


Planned Parenthood offers ‘Choice on Earth’ T-shirts

Ahhh, tis the season.

2.  Athiest T-Shirts

Obviously it is not fair that all of these leftist atheists are left out of the gift giving and receiving at Christmas time.  But what do you buy that special anti-God someone?  Well, how about a T-Shirt that says it all:

Atheist Christmas cards

Selfishness never goes out of style.  The website this came from makes cards and T-Shirts with this friendly “cute” saying.

3.  Anti-Palin Gear

It wouldn’t be Christmas without bashing a person without reason and by making comments about her personal life that simply aren’t true.  And what better person to continue to focus your character attacks that the person responsible for energizing a large portion of the right–Sarah Palin.

No worries, the Democrats have websites with fun stuff like this:

Offensive anti Palin Christmas T-Shirts

Wouldn’t you feel classy wearing this unique and clever T-Shirt to your next Holiday party?

4.  The Incredible Shrinking Dollar

Now here is a gift that Nancy Pelosi can really be proud of–after all she is in part responsible for manufacturing this wonderful item of joy.  Now you can give your loved ones that same joy with the “Incredible Shrinking Dollar”–and you don’t even have to loan billions of dollars to China to make it work. 

5.  This Day in Revisionist History

Written by top Democratic operatives, er… I mean leaders, you can now give your kids the book they have all been waiting for–a history book that tells history the way it should have occurred, not the silly stupid way it actually happened.  In this book you will find tales of how the Republicans pushed for more slavery and caused the Civil War, you will hear about how the 80’s were a decade of greed and how President Reagan had nothing to do with the fall of Communism.  You will also get a special bonus section that details the hundreds of amazing successes of the Carter administration.  This is a history book your family is sure to treasure for years to come.

Have a great Black Friday (named by the Republicans who are racist by nature) and Merry Chri…um..Xmas!

-Murphy

Advertisements

ALERT:President Obama is Messing With College Football!!!!

October 18, 2010

Well it seems that Democrats running for office are first running away from President Obama.  Recent articles on poll numbers suggest that everytime the President campaigns for a candidate, his/her numbers either stay the same or fall.  It would appear that his ability to cheer on his own party is not making the crowd cheer with him.  Democrats were warned when they voted for Obamacare that the voters would not forget.  Democrats were warned when they took over GM, suggested that CEO’s should have a government imposed salary cap, that people should be forced to keep their house temperature above 74 degrees that the voters would not forget.

Democrats seem to have forgotten that the Constitution (although severely watered down) is still taught in school, that many people still believe that freedom is better than Government enslavement.  Democrats have forgotten that many people know that when the Government runs something, it is run into the ground.  We have all been to the DMV, we have stood in line to obtain vehicle registrations and passports and building permits and business licenses–we know how well the Government runs things.

But Mr. President–please for the love of all that I have left to enjoy-stay away from college football.   When the President speaks somewhere, his ability to turn a race into a loss is starting to become viral.  This weekend he planned to visit and did in fact visit the campus of Ohio State University.  He scheduled the speech on Sunday but look what the mere planning of his arrival did to the game on Saturday:


1st 2nd 3rd 4th Final
 Ohio State 0 3 7 8 18
 Wisconsin 14 7 0 10 31

Ohio State was #1 in the Country and then the President announces a visit to the campus and then bam! 

So PLEASE President Obama, I would like to ask that if you have any scheduled trips to visit the University of Texas at Austin that you cancel them immediately–Don’t Mess With Texas!

-Murphy

P.S. Psssst….President Obama–I hear that Texas A&M has a fabulous conference center and would warmly welcome a visit from you sometime around say…Thanksgiving.

CNN Has Officially “Jumped The Shark”

October 7, 2010

For those of you born after 1978 or so, this is a phrase attributed to the demise of the hit show “Happy Days.”  Above is the scene from the show where “the Fonz” agreed to take on the challenge of jumping a pinned up shark in the water.  This episode is largely credited with the show’s desperate attempt to revive its ratings–to no avail.  Therefore, the term “Jumping the Shark” is often given to television shows that try some desperate story line to revive ratings.  In this case, it would appear that the entire network at CNN is “jumping the shark.”

Take a look at this hideous attempt to make what I suppose is a “news” show:

Yawn!!!  And Parker is no better.  “Well it is Halloween.”  This is horrid.

I think it is amazing that a guy can break the law by hiring a prostitute for sex, while married, while holding a high political office and then get his own cable news show.  There are over 300  million people in the United States–but CNN has hired this person to save its ratings.  Wow!

Seriously–this guy?

I feel kind of bad for CNN, even the prostitute said he is boring and looks like a “Gremlin.” Here at MKCB, we don’t want to be accused of being some pawn for Fox News, so I have some suggestions for other news hosts they may want to consider.  Keeping in mind their standards of integrity, morality and talent, here are my suggestions to replace Spitzer when he is eaten by that shark he is jumping:

1.  Hugh Grant

He was caught with a prostitute, charged with a crime, is semi-famous.  He is hideously boring in films and seems to fit the profile CNN wants.  Plus, he has way more hair than Spitzer.

2.  Barney Frank

Congressman Frank has been reelected numerous times since his prostitution scandal broke in the 1990’s.  It was a male prostitute, but that shouldn’t matter to CNN.   His ability to speak clearly is low and his qualifications to report the news fairly and honestly is right up to CNN’s standards.  He is also more charismatic than Spitzer–plus, it gets him out of Congress–which is good for America.

3.  The Guy That Married a Dog

 

A couple of years ago I ran a blog post about this man who married a dog as some sort of weird punishment for having mistreated a dog.  I think he is exactly what CNN needs.  It incorporates so many different and unique aspects of living and gives the network an all-inclusive viewpoint.  Plus, he is some kind of jokester.  He is always saying how his dog is better than a woman because, “she doesn’t complain when he drinks too much, and she never wants to go shopping, etc…”

4. Wanda Holloway

Remember her, the cheerleader mom?  She hired a hit man to kill the mother of her daughter’s rival cheerleader.  That is so perfect.  Look at her, she’s classy looking, from Texas, involved in a scandal that spawned a TV movie and tons of media coverage.  She is perfect!   She is off probation from her release from prison in 1997 and ready to handle the grind of cable news. 

I think that is enough, honorable mention might be Paris Hilton, Pee Wee Herman, Gary Hart, etc…

I might even have to watch this show if I could just recall the CNN’s channel number.  What is that……..?

-Murphy

Arizona’s New National Guard Troops–And Other “Fair” Fights.

September 2, 2010

Well, it would appear that the United States Government is jumping at the chance to assist Arizona in its battle against illegal immigration.  I know, I said it… “ILLEGAL.”  I’m sorry, let me be more sensitive. 

Well, it would appear that the United States Government is jumping at the chance to assist Arizona in its quest to find an amicable solution to the issues surrounding undocumented workers that are simply trying to find a better life away from their oppressors in Mexico. 

(I just threw up in my mouth a little)

Arizona asked the government for 3,000 National Guard troops to assist them.  The response? 

30!

That’s right a whopping 30!

But that seems fair doesn’t it?  I mean there have been many battles over the years where one side outnumbered the other by such vast numbers and yet, the underdog won.

Take for example the Alamo.

Battle of the Alamo Photograph.jpg

Why that was about 200  men against about 2000 troops and after all they…oh yeah, they all perished.

Well what about the 480 B.C.Battle of Thermopylae?  There 300 Spartans and a few hundred Thespian volunteers and other fought a massive Persian army ranking in the 1000’s.  And they held firm and….oh yeah, they all perished.

Of course, there have been famous battles over the years where the underdog won.  For example, there were at least 2 major battles in the civil war where the confederacy was heavily outnumbered but won the battle nonetheless.   And after all at the end of it all…oh yeah, the Union won the war.

I have a novel idea–I know it may seem radical and crazy, but just think about it for a little bit.  Maybe the Federal Government could actually listen to the “troops on the ground” and send them what they need. 

I know, I know, I’m talking foolishness.  We all know that we are just stupid and the only person who truly knows what we need is mommy and daddy government–and especially Barack “Pookie” Obama.

How can we possibly argue with this guy?  Sorry AZ, you are on your own.

-Murphy

Obama Calls Bush Before Troop Speech: But why?

August 31, 2010

According to the New York Post, Obama made a call to former President George W. Bush today from Air Force One while heading to Ft. Bliss to address the troops regarding the Iraq troop withdrawal.  But why would he do this?

I suppose there are various reasons but let’s examine this a little more closely.

I.  Obama’s Catch 22

In today’s speech, Obama finds himself in quite the predicament.  On the one hand he has always said that Iraq was the “wrong war.”  Further, the troop surge, according to then Senator Obama was a huge mistake.  Don’t recall that–let’s take a listen.

But wait, there’s more…In February of this year VP Biden had this to say:

Ummm….wha?

So, how will Obama tell the tale today?  He can’t blast Bush without demeaning the troops objective and essentially admitting defeat.  He can’t praise the troops for winning the war because he thinks the war is wrong.  And so…what did he and President Bush talk about.

Well, we here at MKCB have tapped into the ultra-secret phone line aboard Air Force One to bring you this exclusive phone call–here is the transcript of what we are pretty sure we heard…

[ring, ring, ring]

Bush:  Former President Bush here, miss me yet?

BO:     Umm, heh, umm, no…but umm.. anyway, sorry to bother you at home Mr. Bush, President Barack Obama here, how are you today?

Bush:  [smirking] Well, Barry I kinda thought you might call today.  I’m out at the ranch clearing some trees in the back and remembered something about a self-imposed arbitrary deadline regarding troops that you mentioned last year and figured you would be calling.  What can I do for the American people today?

BO:  Well, as you know I’m giving a speech before Ft. Bliss today and my speech writers are having trouble deciding whether I should praise myself and my leadership in bringing an end to the war, blast you again as I always enjoy doing, mention the needless loss of life in pursuit of oil and your dad’s revenge or all three.  I’m kind of nervous about it [puff, puff] and thought I’d see what you thought.

Bush:  I’d like to say I’m honored, really I’d like to…but, well, it might be a good idea to praise the troops for what they have sacrificed and accomplished, thank them and their families for their sacrifice and service, remind the world that peace in this region of the middle east is vital to our interests, remind the world that a world with out Saddam Hussein is a better world and leave it at that.  But I’m just spitballin’ here.

BO:  Well, I knew this was a waste of time.  You and your right-wing rhetoric.  The problem is I have to find a way to demonize you and the Republicans, make the Democrats look good, appease the anti-military crowd and win over the troops.  And frankly, my speech writers went to Harvard and Columbia and they are just too stupid to figure this out.

Bush:  I’d like to say I really want to help ya, I’d really like to say that…but, well, if you are calling to let me know you are going to demonize me and call me stupid again, thanks for the heads up, but I don’t see the point of this call.

BO:  I guess I just needed to do this and leak it to the press so that they would think I was somehow being nice to you right before I blast you.  Truth is, every time I’m around the military I get scared.  I’m afraid they know how much I loathe them.

Bush:  [smirking] Ohhhh, I’m sure they don’t know.  You just go up there, be yourself, and I’m sure the typical results will follow.  Your poll numbers and the stock market will go down.  Heh, heh!  Just ribbin’ ya Barry–have a great speech.

BO:  Ummm, yeah, okay I guess I…

[click]

BO:  (stupid hick)

-Murphy

Obama: “Things Could Be Worse”

July 1, 2010

Okay first of all–go to minute 47 of this hour long feature film and watch for about a minute–then you are prepared to read on…

So here we have our President saying that the way we know that the stimulus worked is because things could be worse.  And, of course, if you think about it, he is right.  I mean the argument that things could be better without it makes no sense whatsoever because, um… well… it just doesn’t.  Look stop fighting the logic of this administration because you obviously misunderstand the points they are trying to make.

For example, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that unemployment checks are creating jobs.  What?  You don’t get that?  Jeez…do I have to do all the thinking around here?

You see, when unemployed people get money, they spend it.  By spending money they are buying goods that are produced by people.  By buying those goods, people have to be employed to make more.  See?  Unemployment is good for the economy.

So you still don’t get it?  Well  I’ll try and explain it by using some other examples.

  1. Al and Tipper Gore have a good marriage when Al is happy.
  2. Al gets an inappropriate massage to release his shakra so that he can be happy.
  3. Getting an inappropriate massage is good for Al and Tipper’s marriage. 

See?  No?  Let me try another one.

  1. Cooking fish in oil is healthier than cooking fish in butter
  2. BP spilled zillions of barrells of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
  3. Fish in the Gulf are now covered with oil.
  4. Fish covered in oil can be cooked “as is.”
  5. Spilling oil into the Gulf is healthy.

It is so easy.  Okay 1 more then hopefully you will get it.

  1. Tiger Woods is worth $900 million to $1 billion dollars
  2. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife a billion times.
  3. Tiger Woods’ wife is getting $750 million in the divorce
  4. Cheating worked because her take could have been worse.

Now do you get it?  NO!!???? I give up on you guys, seriously.

-Murphy

Eclipse: An Interview with a Fan!

July 1, 2010

As your teenagers have told you, Twilight’s latest installment “Eclipse” was released to millions of views at Midnight on Tuesday.  Without commenting on our view of the series or Vampires or which team is liberal or conservative, we here at MKCB decided to interview a moviegoer waiting in line that night to see if all the hype has had an adverse affect on our society.  Here is what we determined:

Meet Mary and Jenna-two fans camping out in line to see “Eclipse” on opening night.

MKCB:   So Mary, I see you have a blanket made out of the movie poster-how did you get that?

Mary:    OMG!  It is so awesome!  I copied the picture off of the internet and took it to Walgreens and had them make this totally awesome blanket–which I so totally needed for tonight’s showing.

Jenna:  Yeah!

MKCB:  And so how long have you been camped out here waiting for the movie to begin?

Mary:  Since October 17 of last year.

Jenna:  Yeah…

MKCB:  Ummm, wow, that is amazing.  You do know don’t you that it will likely be showing all summer and you could probably see it this weekend without much trouble?

Mary:  Shut-up!  What kind of Team Edward player would I be if I didn’t show up and show Edward how loyal I am to him?  What would he think?

Jenna:  Yeah, and what would Team Jacob think?

MKCB:  Probably nothing, because he has no idea you are actually here today.

Mary:  You did not just say that! 

Jenna:  Yeah…whatever…

MKCB:  So how have you been able to survive sitting here for 8 months?

Mary:  Well, I brought a laaaaaaaa lot of chips and cokes and stuff and Jenna and I take turns watching the stuff so we can eat and go to the ladies room and stuff like that…

Jenna: Yeah…

MKCB:  Well have you been keeping up with the news?  What do you think of the oil spill?

Mary:  Dude, they totally cleaned that up years ago before that Palin chick was ever even heard of.

Jenna:  Yeah…

MKCB:  No, I mean the new oil spill.

Mary:  ummmm…. well….

MKCB:  Nevermind, what about the Al Gore sex scandal–have you heard about that?

Mary:  Ewwwwww…. seriously, that is gross and no, I’m so sure that did not happen.

Jenna: Yeah…

MKCB:  Well, enjoy the show, I just wanted you to know that the movie is 126 minutes long so you have been sitting here 2.06 days for each minute of the movie.

Mary:  BOOM!  Dude my brain just exploded.

Jenna: Yeah, mine totally did.

MKCB:  Funny, I don’t see any loose pieces lying around…

Mary:  Whatever.