Merry Banned Christmas

Well it is now officially “Holiday Season.”  Time to spend a lot of money on gifts, make well-intentioned purchases of flour, sugar, chocolate chips and sprinkles for the cookies you didn’t have time to make in July and certainly don’t have time to make now.  Time to try and figure out which family you will visit and on what day and whether it is worth it to shun one on the 25th for the other or try and swing by both ( or all 4 if both parents are split and remarried). 

But the best part of the Holiday Season is the banning.  That’s right, the annual excitement that comes about now when various groups send out their “banned” list for one reason or another.  Now, personally, I’m not into banning too much, although I do not contribute to non-profits that support abortion for example, and I try not to shop at retailers that openly hate Billy Joel.  But beyond that it is too hard for me to keep up.

 For example–last year I was told to ban Wal-Mart because of its tolerant pro-gay stance on various gay issues.  Apparently an Ohio woman quit last year when she discovered that Wal-Mart contributed to something called the “gay” chamber of commerce.  (???)  This year USA TODAY reports (Gay Rights Group Raises Red Flag on Wal-Mart Policies) that “The Human Rights Campaign, the nation’s largest gay rights group, is giving Wal-Mart a red ‘do not buy’ rating in its new consumer guide” because of its “refusal to offer domestic partner benefits to its gay and lesbian workers.”  So what do I do?  Do I shop there to support gay agendas or do I shop there to show my support for anti-gay agendas? I’m so confused by it all–I feel kind of like this guy/gal:

 

Then there was/is the whole “Merry Christmas” scandal.  Last year Wal-Mart made news again by “bringing back”  “Merry Christmas” to their stores.   In 2005, the American Family Association called for a ban on Wal-Mart for purposely striking the phrase from its stores.  So if I shop at Wal-Mart now I think what I’m doing is showing my support for the expression of the Christian Holiday, the refusal of the chain to support homosexual marriage/union and for being pro-gay.  What??? 

So, over some excellent tryptophans (for the Democrat voting base–that’s the stuff that makes you feel all funny from eating Turkey), I came up with my own list of things to ban this “Holiday” season. 

NUMBER ONE:  Stupid Gifts.  All gifts that come under this category should be banned forever by all people.  If I get one of these gifts I will either cry, scream or fly into rage.  This is a broad category but here are a few “picks.”

a.  The gift that says–“You obvioulsy don’t know a darn thing about personal grooming so here-try this you idiot.”

b.      The gift that says, “Hey I was walking through a mall when I saw this kiosk and thought, I don’t have a thing for Sally and I don’t care enough about her to find out what she really wants–everyone has to eat, so….”

 c. 

 The gift that says “I actually hate your freaking guts.”

 d.  

   The gift that says, ” I don’t believe you have the social grace necessary to eat anywhere that has a linen napkin.”

 e.     (Slippers)–The gift that says, ” I secretly hope the rest of the kids in the neighborhood beat your kid to a bloody pulp.”

NUMBER TWO: Overused Sayings.  There are certain sayings that people are currently using that must stop–I propose a total ban on the following:

a.   “Oh Snap”  Thanks Disney Channel for this idiotic saying and also thanks to some rapper named Biz Markie.

b.  “Oh no you didn’t”–he “did,” get over it.

c.  “What’s up dog?”–Just because the guy on American Idol says it doesn’t make it “cool.”

d.  “Irregardless”–THIS IS NOT A WORD!!!

e.  “LMAO, LOL, BFF, etc…”   Seriously…

f.  “Seriously” and referring to anyone as “Mc” something–Grey’s Anatomy is not real–it is a television show.

NUMBER THREE:  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Enough already–I don’t care how many kids she or he or they adopt or whether she won’t speak to Jennifer Aniston or whether he is running around on her or whether she is appearing before Congress or anything else–Don’t Us  and People and all the others have something else to write about?  Oh yeah–they do–Brittney Spears–Enough of that too.    However–this might be an evil way to not accept 2 of these proposed bans:

NUMBER FOUR:  THE BACHELOR

  I endured this show for reasons I really can’t say only to see him choose neither woman.  Now, don’t get me wrong–if there isn’t true love then …. oh what am I saying–the reason we watch the show is so that he can pick someone and finally Us and People can write about the scandals involving someone other than those mentioned in NUMBER THREE.  Thanks ABC, you ruined our fall.

NUMBER FIVE:  SPEEDOS  There is only one kind of person anyone wants to see in one of these.

From this picture can you guess which one we would rather see dressed that way?

Okay, on that note I have to stop–my sausage and cheese breakfast that I got from my Hickory Farms gift set is coming up.

 -Murphy

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