Archive for the ‘Whales’ category

I Will Now Sacrifice My Child For The Sake of the Whales

June 23, 2008


Today my conservative meter started flashing hot red and when I read the article about the 9th Circuit’s decision to keep the Navy from using Sonar because it MAY be affecting communications between whales the meter exploded.  It was such a mess.  I’m happy to say my brain has been put back together and I can now discuss this bizarre situation more calmly.

Yes, the Supreme Court has taken the “Whale Sonar” case for review.  It appears that SONAR used by the United States Navy to find submarines may be affecting whale communication.  In fact, Marine biologist Ken Balcomb stated in an article in 2004 that killer whales “appeared agitated and were moving haphazardly, attempting to lift their heads free of the water” when encountering the pinging noise of a Navy SONAR.

Oh the horror!  The first thing the Navy ought to be concerned with is whether the Killer Whales are agitated or annoyed.  After all, the Ocean is THEIR home and the Navy is simply an uninvited guest to that home.  And when an uninvited guest annoys us, we throw them out.  Why should it be any different for the whales?

So a few terrorists or hostile regimes can sneak a couple of nuclear subs into our water and take out San Francisco or Seattle or Los Angeles–is that so bad really?  And what about our children–aren’t they privileged enough with XBox and Wii and McDonald’s and Disney Channel–can’t they sacrifice just a teeny weeny bit for the creatures of the sea?  After all the world is more covered with ocean water than land so it technically belongs to them anyway.

And now the Supreme Court is going to get in the way of the brilliant 9th Circuit and possibly (only possibly) overturn the injunction that keeps the Navy from conducting its wretched SONAR scanning.  Where is Obama when we need him most–to appoint some Justices who can finally rule in favor of the whales?

Well, I for one applaud the 9th Circuit for this amazing precedent.  In fact, we sent a team out to the western seaboard to interview folks there about their take on this amazing ruling.  Here is what we discovered:

We ran into Sunshine Berry a native of Los Angeles at her normal place of work.  Her parents were actually at Woodstock–cool.  Our on the spot reporter had this exchange with her.

Reporter:  “So Miss Berry…”

Sunshine: “It’s “Ms” Berry”

Reporter: “Oh sorry.  Ms. Berry, what do you think about the ruling from the 9th Circuit that says that the Navy has to stop agitating the whales?”

Sunshine:  “I love it!  After all, it has long been known that the Bush family hates whales.  I heard that Jeb Bush actually has a pair of whale skin boots that sorry **#@&$.  No one sticks up for the whales anymore with Jane Fonda all rich and claiming to be a Christian one minute and then appearing on Oprah and blah blah blah.  I’m glad to see the Court get involved.”

Reporter:  “But don’t you worry that our National Security is at stake?”

Sunshine: “Ha!  That is such a laugh.  Our National Security is at stake only because the world hates us becuase of Bush.  And now we discover that he actually hates college students-which totally sucks.”

Reporter: “Um, okay, but to stay on topic, what about the Navy not having the ability to find submarines that might attack us.”

Sunshine:  “Well, if we get attacked we deserve it–we have brought this on ourselves because of Halliburton and Big Oil and restricting gay  marriage and all of that stuff.  And anyway, if we are nice to the whales, they will probably protect us from submarines anyways.”

So we tried again to test the pulse of the average California resident and our reporter ran into this individual:

Reporter:  “Excuse me sir, what do think about a ruling keeping the Navy from agitating whales?”

Bunny-Man:  “I frankly love it.  I mean I’m annoyed all the time by people that I would like to get some injunctions against because they agitate me.”

Reporter:  “Really?  Like who?”

Bunny-Man:  “Well nosy conservative reporters for one.  Ha-kidding dude, but seriously I’m agitated by Microsoft because they laid me off last year for “poor performance” -whatever, and all repubilcans, John McCain, the church, clowns, heteros, my dad, and the list goes on.”

Reporter”  “But the church?  I mean your sign there attempts to quote a commandment.”

Bunny-Man:  “So?  What is your point?  Listen the nuber 2 sin is agitating whales as far as I’m concerned and then after that would be any law that restricts the wearing of bunny ears while protesting and killing clowns.”

Reporter:  “Oh no, is that a dead clown behind you?”

(at that point the bunny-man fled the scene)

Well it hasn’t been easy to find a mainstream reaction to this but we are on it and will keep you informed.  In the meantime, should the Supreme Court rule in favor of the whales (who apparently are represented without counsel and will not be appearing at oral argument) then start making your list of people that agitate you so that you can get a Court to shut them up.  Here is the beginning of my list:

1.  Barbara Streisand

2.  Nancy Pelosi

3.  Michael Newdow

4.  Michael Moore

5.  Barack Obama

6.  Jesse Jackson

7.  Unnamed attorneys that I oppose in litigation matters at work. (not all–just some)

8.  A neighbor kid that simply drives me crazy (name is left out to protect his identity)

9.  Bruce Springstein

10. …(more later)

-Murphy Political Blogger Alliance