Archive for the ‘Swine Flu’ category

PETA Scores HUGE Victory With H1N1–Now Targets All “Animal Phrases”

May 2, 2009

Yes, that was the “cleanest” PETA protest picture I could find–sorry.  But PETA today has something to celebrate even more than an opportunity to get naked and wear body paint in public.  PETA has scored a victory in something more powerful than a Whataburger or a hunting rifle or a deer blind…PETA has scored a victory in the most powerful weapon of all–WORDS.

Yes, it appear that “Swine Flu” is no longer the appropriate title of the virus that has swept the world and claimed some 200+ infections out of 4 1/2 billion people.  Now we must call it “H1N1”  which frankly is hard to remember. 

After all–at a recent protest, PETA members were dressed as pigs:

Funny how the pigs want government to tax “meat” a word that typically means “beef.”  But I digress…After this display having a pandemic named after a pig was simply unacceptable.  (But Murphy–the flu strain comes from pigs!!)-When has the truth ever been considered when being politically correct?  Seriously.

But now, PETA, feeling energized by this RARE victory has decided to STEAK its claim on the remaining animal phrases that we use without considering the feeling of the animals they target.

So we here at MKCB have sought out the opinion of Alex Pacheco-the Chairman of PETA to find out what phrases will be targeted next.

Q:  Hello Alex.  So tell us what is your next language target?

A:  Well, here is a list of phrases we here at PETA really dislike and a list of suggested changes:

1. “Hog Wash”—–“Man Wash”

2. “Dog Tired”—-“Man Tired”

3. “Cat Got Your Tongue?”—“Evil Lying SOB Human Got Your Tongue?”

4. “What a Snake In The Grass.”—“What A Pathetic, Wretched, Selfish, No Good Homo Sapiens in The Grass.”

5. “Tastes Like Chicken”—“Tastes Like The Mistreatment Of All Animalkind Wrapped Together In a Piece of Lettuce.”

6.  “Bug-Eyed”—“Big Ugly Man-Eyed.”

7. “That Dog Don’t Hunt” (used primarily in Alabama)—“That Human Don’t Kill Helpless Sacred Animals”

8.  “It’s Raining Cats and Dogs”—“It’s Raining Men, Hallelujah It’s Raining Men.”

9.  “I Can’t Get The Monkey Off My Back.”—“I Wish I Had A Monkey On My Back.”

10.  “Curiosity Killed The Cat”—“Curiosity and The Reckless Display Of Human Activity Geared Towards Making the World Better For Humans Alone Killed The Cat and The Dog and the Bird and all Animals.”

Q:  Whoa, whoa here Alex–okay obviously some of these suggestions completely destroy the meaning of the phrase and are simply propaganda for your cause.

A:  Of course you would say that–you are an animal hater.

Q:  No, I love animals–I think they taste great.

A:  AHHHHH! 

Q:  Sorry man, I’m just kidding–but seriously do you think the world is really ready for these changes?

A:  Of course they are–why Swine Flu was changed in a matter of days to H1N1.

Q:  True, okay well I know you are as busy as a bee and I don’t want you to think I’m up to some kind of monkey business or that I might be horsing around so I’m gonna grab the bull by the horns and wrap up this interview.

A:  You sorry *#$*(@$&%^@(*&!

-Murphy

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Swine Flu Alert: Biden Scared, Michelle Devasated

April 30, 2009

In what can only be described as panic and fear, our Vice-President has issued a stern warning.  “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now.”  Except of course the confined space of Delaware.  Biden’s remarks on the Today show have some people freaked out.  We have decided to ask some Americans that actually listen to what Biden has to say with any sense that it means something so we could determine the effect of his words.

It has been hard to find someone that fits that level of say…intelligence, but we have located one upstate New Yorker that was willing to talk to us:

“We are here with Clifford Butane a resident of New York who is quite concerned about the swine flu and VP Biden’s comments”

Clifford:  “I’m so happy to talk to you about this–man I’m freaked out!”

Q:  “Well Clifford..”

Clifford:  “You can call me ‘Spark.'”

Q:  “Umm..okay, so Spark, what have you done in response to VP Biden’s remarks?”

Spark:  “Well first I really took it to my heart what he said about closed spaces so I have raised the roof if you know what I mean.”

Q:  “I don’t know what you mean.”

Spark:  “I mean I raised it–duh–look over there”

Q:  “Oh, you literally took the roof off your house?”

Spark:  “No, I didn’t write a book about it, I took the roof off so that my space would no longer be enclosed.”

Q:  “Okay, well, that is interesting.  What else have you done to prepare?”

Spark:  “I threw away all my bacon and sausage that I was storing up to eat cuz’ I was scared it might be infected.”

Q:  “Didn’t your hear that you can’t catch the swine flu from pork products?”

Spark:  “Sure, but I suppose you believe you can’t catch Asian flu from orientals neither.”

Q:  “Well, of course you can’t-that is ridiculous.”

Spark:  “Tell that to all the people in Asia with the flu.”

(awkward silence)

Q:  “Anything else you are doing to heed his warning?”

Spark:  “Yes, I am never again eating at Subway’s”

Q: “Why not?”

Spark:  “Because our VP–who I trust–said that he wouldn’t even let his family go into a Subway’s.  That’s good enough for me.”

Q:  “Thank you for your time sir.”

Spark:  “No problem–‘live long and prosper’ my friend.”

So there you have it–the public reacts to Joe Biden…

On another front, Michelle Obama is simply beside herself trying to figure out what to do about this terrible outbreak.  Unfortunately most surgical masks only come in white or that hospital greenish color.

Michelle was quoted as saying “What can I possibly wear with that hideous green color.  Nothing in my new wardrobe matches that!”  A furious Michelle is said to be barred up in the White House attempting to calm down…developing.

-Murphy