Archive for the ‘Satire’ category

Joe Biden: One Heartbeat Away…

July 17, 2009

From full-on dementia.

Our esteemed Vice-President has really done it this time.  Yesterday in the wake of the Congressional Budget Office warning all of us that National Health Care would be the last crack in the wall of our economy to make the entire thing tumble down, Joe Biden states without laughing, “We have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt.”

But let’s give the man from Delaware a break shall we.  I mean this statement is an obscene display of ignorance–but it is not the first.  For example, take a moment and laugh at these zingers:

“A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!”–Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”–Joe Biden on Barack Obama

“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”–Joe Biden

“Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart.”–Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

“When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.”–Joe Biden, apparently unaware that FDR wasn’t president when the stock market crashed in 1929 and that only experimental TV sets were in use at that time, interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 22, 2008

“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”–-Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

But maybe I’m being too harsh on that jolly ole’ Biden.  Maybe there is something to what he said.  You have to spend money to keep from going bankrupt.  How would that logic translate into other areas of our life?  Hmmmm….

How about these ideas?

1.  You have to keep drinking if you want to avoid becoming an alcoholic.

2.  You have to leap from the edge to avoid falling off.

3.  You have to keep on cheating to keep from committing adultery.

4.  You have to drive faster to keep from being charged with speeding.

5.  You have to keep on eating to avoid becoming obese.

6.  You have to keep voting Democrat to keep from thinking for yourself.

-Murphy

Individual Carbon Emissions And Other Stupid Ideas!

July 7, 2009

Well, it was just a matter of time before the Global Warming cultists decided that the real problem with the environment is not SUVs or manufacturing plants or cow burps–no the real problem is you and me.  In a study presented on Monday at  the National Academy of Sciences Monday, brilliant minds decided that we should be “setting a uniform international cap on how much carbon dioxide each person could emit in order to limit global emissions; since rich people emit more, they are the ones likely to reach or exceed this cap, whether they live in a rich country or a poor one.”  See Article.

So, then I suppose if we all stay under the “cap” then somehow greenhouse gas emissions will be reduced.  But what happens if we exceed our cap?  Let’s say I go on a speaking tour and go all over American talking about how Cap and Trade will destroy industry and cause poor people to freeze in the winter and how Nationalized Health Care will ruin the best health care system on Earth and how America is becoming a socialist Nation.  Now, what happens in October when my plane travel, car travel and excessive talking reaches my cap?

Well, um…well, um…that won’t work exactly so I guess to compensate for blowing through my cap I’ll likely have to–what is it again?—oh yeah, pay some money to the government in the form of fines and fees.  I suppose from October to December I can hold my breath 1 minute per hour to lower my fees and also quit working so that I don’t use my car or a plane and not talk on the phone or use any electricity.  That is a GREAT idea! 

I guess it doesn’t matter to the Global Warming crowd that although temperatures did rise slightly in the 1980’s and 1990’s, since 2001 there has been no change in the Earth’s temperature.  In fact, studies suggest the temperature has actually dropped.  I suppose it doesn’t matter that weather forecasters can’t accurately predict 3 days from now, much less 10, 20 or 30 years from now.

But hey, facts are silly.  This, like Cap and Trade, is all a scheme to gain control of our lives, not to actually help the environment.  After all, when cap and trade causes American businesses to fail, they will simply ship the business overseas to a Country that could care less about emissions standards and continue to pollute the Earth–only worse than they were originally doing here–oh and also–our goods will cost more because they will have to be shipped back overseas to us–which will cause ships to use fuel and emit more carbons.  And so on, and so on and so on….

But wait, this is not the only Good Idea we have seen in our lifetime–here is a review of some other ideas with similar importance to the improvement of our lives:

1.  Leisure Suits

Now that was a great idea–I mean look at those teens and how comfortable they look and so stylish too. 

2.  The 8-Track Tape

What a concept!  It is pure marketing genius.  See an artist only needs one or two hits to make you buy the entire tape–but then once you start playing it, there is virtually no way to listen to those hits twice without listening to the entire tape–including all the cruddy B-songs.  And endless frustration ensues when you switch “programs” to hear your song again, but it picks up in the middle of the song every time.  Those years of frustration led to a decade of middle-aged adults hooked on Xanax.  Brilliant idea!

3.  The Susan B Anthony Dollar (tied) and Sackagaweadgasdgawea (sp?) Dollar

In the Government’s painful attempt to “make up” for all of the sexist money in our society that only honors MALE Presidents, these two coins were attempted.  I must say, if not for these, toll booths and stamp vending machines may have never been invented.  I know they didn’t make it long, but I’m still hopeful that the Oprah dollar will be out one day.  If only Hillary had won then we could put her beautiful face on a coin–or maybe a 3 dollar bill.

4. OJ Simpson’s Glove Attempt

You gotta say this idea was superb!  I mean it wasn’t enough that they found his blood at the scene of the murder (planted there by racist cops) but one of his bloody gloves was found in his yard.  Of course it would fit–I mean surely he would simply put it on and the case would be over.  Well…guess not.

5.  Plus Sized Spandex

(Content Warning)

fat_chick.jpg image by chare37

Um, no comment.

6.  The U.S. Metric System

I mean, if we want to be like Europe we need to learn it.  Apparently we don’t.

7.  Flowbee

Now see, this is an idea that could change us all.  No one has time or money to get a hair cut and with Flowbee-you can do it all from home.  It’s not just a haircutting system, it is a precision hair cutting system.

8.  Senator Al Franken

Thank you Minnesota.  First you gave us a wrestler for a Governor–(great idea number 9 if our list was longer) and now this.  I just wander what really goes on up there in the land of 1000 lakes.  I’m sure now that the Democrats have a super majority in the Senate AND (bonus time) the fact that the 60th Senator is such a well-respected comedian, we will all benefit from this Great Idea, just as much as the rest!

-Murphy

Thanks Obama-Now The World Really Loves Us!

June 22, 2009

Remember last year?  I know it was a while ago, but think back—remember what we heard about Bush’s ability to handle foreign relations?

Remember the mantra of the left?  Bush has caused the world to hate us.  Europe doesn’t like us, the Arab world doesn’t like us and the Asian world doesn’t like us. 

Boo hoo!

Why earlier this month, our President was telling Egypt that America needs to repair its relationship with the Muslim world:  “I’ve come here to Cairo to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world, one based on mutual interest and mutual respect, and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition.”   

So, it seems that after 6 months of wonderful speechs and numerous TV appearances and diplomatic promises and discussion, the promise of closing of prisons holding known terrorists, quoting from the Torah and the Koran has led to the following headlines:

North Korea Threatens to Harm US if Attacked

Al Qaeda Says It Will Use Pakistani Nuclear Weapons on US

Iran Revolutionary Guard Say They’ll Crush Protests

Iran Starts AirForce Manuevers in Gulf

Can you feel the love?

appeasement.jpg appeasement pelosi image by reaganista

In trying to learn from our Commander in Chief–I have decided to agree to settle all lawsuits filed against my clients.  I know, there may be some that are overreaching, there may be some that are frivolous, but fighting for what is right is so early 2000’s.  It’s time to appease.   Imagine how better these scenarios would have turned out if we had simply tried to “talk about it” first.

1.  “Coward of the County” by Kenny Rogers  In this song the “coward” finally beats up the Gatlin boys when they attack the love of his life.  But that is no way to go.  He should have sat down with the Gatlin boys and tried to understand their rage–maybe they never got that pony they ask for from Santa, maybe their mother was a drunk–who knows–and that’s the point–we never will because when he was done “not a gatlin boy was standing.”

2.  WWII-Bombing of Japan-Again, obviously our aggressive action was in response to the Surprise Attack on Pearl Harbor–but why go about it like savages?  We could have sat down with the Japanese and simply asked them:  “Hey, why did you feel the need to hurt us so?”  Maybe General Tojo would have sat down and wept at the thought that we actually cared about his needs.

3. War of Northern Aggression-what a bloody mess that was.  Did the North ever think that maybe the South was better off without them and vice versa?  No.  I mean what did the war accomplish anyway–well okay the abolition of slavery–but who knows, maybe if the North had simply sat down with the Southern leaders and said, “Look, we understand you want your own Country with your cute little “X” flag but can we talk about this slavery thingy?”  No one ever tries anything anymore.

4. S.W.A.T.-look at this horrific scene.  Policemen with  their heavy armor and heavy artillery.  Yikes!  How about this approach to a group of bad guys or even one bad guy holding hostages–get some Cheetos–everyone loves them.  Open the bag and show it the ALLEGED bad guy and see if he will sit down and munch on a few.  Then you can open a dialogue with him and find out what is really troubling him.  Isn’t that better than this Rambo-like approach?

halloween-cheetos

So, in honor of our President’s success in this arena, I’m going to send a bag of Cheetos to all those who don’t like me, who are angered by me, who have cases against my clients–so then, maybe then we can all finally get along.

-Murphy

Welcome to the United States of Fascism or Communism–Comfascunism!

June 16, 2009

What is Fascism?  Dictionary.com defines it as:

1.  A governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc…, and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism.

The site also has this to say about it:

A system of government that flourished in Europe from the 1920s to the end of World War II. Germany under Adolf Hitler, Italy under Mussolini, and Spain under Franco were all fascist states. As a rule, fascist governments are dominated by a dictator, who usually possesses a magnetic personality, wears a showy uniform, and rallies his followers by mass parades; appeals to strident nationalism; and promotes suspicion or hatred of both foreigners and “impure” people within his own nation, such as the Jews in Germany. Although both communism and fascism are forms of totalitarianism, fascism does not demand state ownership of the means of production, nor is fascism committed to the achievement of economic equality. In theory, communism opposes the identification of government with a single charismatic leader (the “cult of personality”), which is the cornerstone of fascism.

Interesting…

And communism?

Obama-Communism.jpg COMMUNISM image by Lenhardt
What is Communism?  Dictionary.com states:
1.  A theory or system of social organization based on the holding of all property in common, actual ownership being ascribed to the community as a whole or to the state.  2.  A system of social organization in which all economic and social activity is controlled by a totalitarian state dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party.
I know, I’d have to be a right-wing crazy nut job to suggest that our President was acting in any way that might seem to indicate a slight hint of fascism or communism.  I mean, he hasn’t taken over industries or banks.  He doesn’t have a “cult of personality” like following.  He is not attempting to control our economic and even our social activity.  Seriously, I’m being so silly.  I mean, it’s not like he has taken over the media…
 
But wait–apparently there is a new news network.  It’s called “All Barack Communications” or “ABC” for short.  Here is the new logo:
abc
Maybe you haven’t heard.  According to the Drudgereport today:  “On the night of June 24, the media and government become one, when ABC turns its programming over to President Obama and White House officials to push government run health care — a move that has ignited an ethical firestorm!  Highlights on the agenda:  ABCNEWS anchor Charlie Gibson will deliver WORLD NEWS from the Blue Room of the White House. The network plans a primetime special — ‘Prescription for America’ — originating from the East Room, exclude opposing voices on the debate.”
Now, ABC knows that American Broadcasting Company is its long-standing name, but it just seems that “All Barack Communications” is more fitting since they are going to “sell us” on his socialistic health care plan from the actual Blue Room itself.  (Blue is a very calming color after all).  Here were the ideas for the new name that the marketing team chunked:
“All ‘Bout Change”
“A Blossoming Communism”
“Alleviating Bush’s Crap”
“A Big Connundrum”
“About to Be Conned”
“Americans Better Cannonize”  (for my a&m fans–it’s another word for worship)
“Americans Bought Change”
“Another Barack Conversion”
and so on….
All of this talk of Socialism, Communism and Fascism is so darn nutty.  What is really going on here is a move toward Comfascunism.  It takes the best of Communism and Fascism and molds them together in one big steaming governmental heap.  So no worries, just sit back, relax, think about the beach or the lake and like a slow moving flu virus, eventually we will all be infected.
In fact talks are already underway to rename NBC and CBS to the following:
“National Barack Communications”  and “Countrywide Barack System”
-Murphy

The Many Faces of Evil

June 12, 2009

As you all know by now, except for the cave-dwelling fans of this site, James W. von Brunn has been charged in the murder of a security guard at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C.  Suddenly every know-it-all psychologist and psycho-analyst and political commentator is struggling to answer the age-old question…

“Why?”

For some reason, every time there is a senseless crime of violence that makes the headlines, everyone wants to dig deeper into the cause–no, no, the ROOT cause of the problem.  It is not enough that Mr. Brunn is crazy.  It is not enough that he is disturbed–the world believes that “evil” just doesn’t exist and if it does, it is too easy an explanation for crimes like this.  It’s a cop-out.  So liberals especially, but all of us to some degree, struggle to understand what would cause a human to do an unthinkable thing.

Rabbi Abraham Cooper, an associate dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center and Museum of Tolerance and Harold Brackman, a historian and consultant to the Simon Wiesenthal Center wrote an article for the Washington Times that does not discuss evil, but discusses hate.  In their article they state the following:

“The bloodbath at the U.S. Holocaust Museum is a national wakeup call. Energized by the Internet and inspired by age-old prejudices like hatred of Jews and blacks, a new breed of haters is among us. Whether by organized conspiracy or spontaneous contagion, this breed of haters is sure to spread. We must forge new strategies to meet this deadly challenge. Simon Wiesenthal once said: “I do not judge societies by the number of Nazis but by how many anti-Nazis are prepared to act.”  Now is our time.”

A “new breed of haters?”  They are suggesting we need to “forge new strategies.”  This is a “deadly challenge?”  If that is true, when did the “breed of haters” they are referring to become “new?”  They mention the following:

The Bronx Four” involved prison converts to extremist Islam who were arrested while believing they were planting C4 plastic explosives at a New York City synagogue. Their leader – James Cromitie, aka Abdul Rahman – pointed to people walking on the street near a Jewish community center and reportedly said, if he had a gun, he “would shoot each one in the head.”  Scott Roeder, accused in Kansas of killing late-term abortion provider Dr. George Tiller, boasts in jail that more such assassinations may be in the works.  Abdulhakim Muhammad (formerly, Carlos Bledsoe), accused of murdering one soldier and maiming another at an Arkansas Army recruitment center after returning from a murky pilgrimage to Yemen where he may have become the time bomb reimported into the United States.

The article then goes on to identify the real problem–the author makes the point that these are predominantly “home-grown haters.”  See it is our fault.  In fact it could be argued that it is conservatism that is really to blame.  See this quote from the article:  “One common denominator of today’s violent bigots is the viral medium of the Internet, which supercharged and validated Mr. von Brunn’s hateful vision and also that of white far-right extremist Mr. Roeder.”

Oh, now I get it, the Internet is to blame and of course far-right extremism.  The left LOVES to find crazy guys that think that it is okay to kill abortion doctors and then label them as “right-wing” or “far-right.”  The salivate at the chance.

Yesterday on a local news program I heard an “expert” say that the reason Mr. von Brunn shot these people is in part because we have the first African American President and there is much more tolerance of gay marriage and rights in this Country and because the war in Iraq has feuled the fire of hatred among those who are pre-disposed to such thinking.

(Pause)

(wrapping duct tape around my head to keep it from exploding)  (one more piece….there)

(taking 10 deep breaths and thinking about puppies and flowers)

The reason Mr. von Brunn shot the security guard is becuase he IS EVIL and likely CRAZY!  It is evil at work here.  Wake up leftists, progressives and Statists–EVIL EXISTS.   Human beings can and at times will be evil human beings and crazy human beings.  There is not a “new breed” of haters in the world–there have always been people that hate.  For example, I hate beets, eggplant, “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang, socialism, progressivism, killing of unborn children, temperature over 90 degrees, snakes and a certain Dallas-based airline.   It is okay to hate things.  Hating people is wrong–but so is stealing from them and so is driving drunk and so is attempting to convince us that the government needs to crack down on thought.

I don’t agree with hating people for any reason–especailly race, national origin, color, gender, lifestyle or even being a die-hard Democrat.  But how can we as a society be tricked into believing that hate can be legislated away?  It is madness.

This man is evil–he didn’t kill anyone because Obama is the President (if he did then he is less a hater than he is a nut job).  He didn’t kill the security guard because he hates Jews.  He killed him because he is evil, crazy or both.  And Liberals–Don’t you dare call him a right-wing extremist.  I dare say that lumping him in a catch-all label that includes conservatives is by its very nature “hateful.”

There are many faces of evil–but not every face.  Hatred doesn’t have a face because it is not a state of being, it is a way of thinking–and that, even when repulsive, should not be regulated.  We need to punish evil in our society and accept the fact that when someone does something evil, society, George Bush, Iraq, Big Oil, and Conservatives are not to blame.  The blame for what happened to that security guard rests in the soul of one man–Mr. von Brunn!

In case you don’t get the point, here are some more faces of evil:

Okay so maybe I’m being a little too dramatic, I mean–eggplant isn’t actually evil.

-Murphy

GM Bankrupt, New York Freezing, Obama Blowing our Money-Welcome to Summer!

June 1, 2009

In a not-so-surprising move today, GM filed bankruptcy.  In an even more not-so-surprising event, the Dow is surging ahead and having a great day.  At the time of this post (2:00 p.m. CST) the dow is up 235 points.  But no worries, as you have probably heard the US Government is going to own 60% of the company when it emerges from bankruptcy, after giving it another 500000000 gazillion dollars to assist it in its restructuring.

Once again, the government saves the day.  But wait, if the Dow going up after one of our biggest industries files bankruptcy isn’t weird enough, there’s more…

Much to the shagrin of Al Gore and his ilk, there is a freeze warning for New York today–yes TODAY!  But wait, don’t say no to this post yet, there’s even more…

Obama-michelle plane

Our fiscally conservative President, only weeks after telling us all we need to “have skin in the game” and we need to “tighten our belts” and we all need to participate in giving more, decides to take Michelle out on a date.  Not just any date though, a $24,000+ date.  Yes, instead of catching a show in the Presidental box at the world-famous Kennedy center, he decides to get 3 planes, 2 helicopters, staff, press, limos and all and hike it to New York city for dinner and a Broadway show.  One of the patrons in the restaurant allegedly overheard our President say something like “Let Them Eat Cake!  HA HA HA HA HA.”    Hmmmmm…. 

So let me be the first to welcome you to what will assuredly be a fantastic summer of fun, excitement and hypocrisy.  I mean just look at Michelle…

USA/

She got so exicted for her rich night out that she forgot she was a fashion icon and grabbed a purse that matches Air Force One, but not her dress.  Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Congrats GM, Dow, NY and of course, BHO for making the first day of our summer months weirder than the last 5 months. 

-Murphy

Your Constitutional Right To Not Be Offended

May 27, 2009

of⋅fend–verb (used with object)

1. to irritate, annoy, or anger; cause resentful displeasure in: Even the hint of prejudice offends me.
2. to affect (the sense, taste, etc.) disagreeably.
3. to violate or transgress (a criminal, religious, or moral law).
4. to hurt or cause pain to.
5. (in Biblical use) to cause to fall into sinful ways.

(source-Dictionary.com).  The United States Constitution has this pesky little area called The Bill of Rights.  Interestingly, during the Constitutional convention, many argued against drafting any of the first 10 amendments.  The thought was that if we actually delineate our rights, then we will limit ourselves to those rights and those alone.  They argued that we should have rights unlimited except by penal codes based on moral authority based on the 10 Commandments.  Ultimately, the argument won that we should have a list of rights so that those rights will be most definitely protected.

I have searched the Constitution and attempted to find this new right that has prevailed in our society for at least the last decade if not longer–The Right To Not Be Offended.  I just cannot find that dad gum right.

Nevertheless–it prevails.

Yesterday, Dallas local news ran a story about Debbie McLucas (one of my new heroes).  Ms. McLucas brought an American Flag to work at the Kindred Hospital in Mansfield in celebration of Memorial Day.  Ms. McLucas’ husband and two sons have served in our Armed Forces and her daughter is currently in Iraq.

To her shock and awe, her boss told her he was offended by the Flag and that she had to take it down!  Now, her boss is from Africa and was not born here.  So you can understand his feeling like his rights are being trampled on when he lives in America and has to stare at that hideous flag.  You can’t?

Well this makes sense doesn’t it?  I mean after all, the Supreme Court ruled in United States v. Eichman that burning the American Flag -is considered “symbolic speech” and is protected by the First Amendment.  So doesn’t it follow that simply hanging the Flag up in your office area at work would be offensive?  It doesn’t?

Well, I’m offended that you don’t get it so you should simply be removed from Internet access all together–your mere presence here is offensive to me.

Well, as long as we in society are going to allow rules at work and home and in public to be dictate by what offends each of us, I have a list of things that offend me and I would like them immediately removed from society.  If not, then I will be REALLY offended and may even have to file a lawsuit in Federal Court in some liberal place like Minnesota or Maine.

Here is my list:

1.   Physically Fit Men

I don’t look like this–and their mere presence in society is offensive–I want them fully clothed and off the beach-NOW!

2.  Democrat Congressmen..er… Congresspeople

They are elitist, they are voting in the most Socialistic agenda in our Nation’s history and I’m offended–deeply offended so they should all immediately resign.

3.  “Celebration”

If I go to one more wedding and hear this song I may actually go postal and wipe out the entire reception.  After hearing this song for 29 years, I have come to loathe it like beets.  And now, when I hear it, I’m simply offended–so I want every copy of it erased starting with this hideous video.

4.  Beets

Offensive, simply and plainly offensive–offensive color, shape, smell and especially taste.  I would like to see the complete eradication of all beets from our planet.

5.  Pro-Choice Rallies

and if that is not bad enough…

I think that speaks for itself.

6.  The View

Everyone pictured here is offensive.  Especially Joy-whose name is irony defined.  I’m mostly offended that four women can get paid gobs of money to sit around and talk about their personal views and gossip.  That is a job?  I’m offended–and I want it gone.

There’s more, but I really need to get to work–hey, you know what, having to work for money is offensive too.  I shouldn’t have to do that.  I think the Government ought to help me out–maybe it could take your tax dollars and give them to me–now that wouldn’t be offensive at all.

-Murphy