Archive for the ‘Satire’ category

The Gore’s Breakup: It’s Bush’s Fault!

June 2, 2010

After a 6 month leave of absence from blogging, it is time to jump back in.  After some involvement in the Tea Party movement and a few speaking engagments I felt it was time to get back political swing of things.  Work and life are hectic, but I cannot stay silent any longer.  So like it or not, I’m baaaaaaack!  🙂

It was the kiss that grossed out a Nation!  And yet, 40 years after saying “I do” the global warming couple is calling it quits–with little explanation.  They said it is mutual–which means they both agree on it–which doesn’t tell us anything.  What could be the explanation for a split of this magnitude.

Could it be that Tipper can no longer live with a man who has made millions of dollars on a lie?  No, she has been doing that ever since then Senator AL Gore said he was “pro-life.”

Could it be that Tipper is jealous of Al’s unnatural attraction to Leo?

Maybe she is mad that Al’s proposed Four Dollar bill never took off.

No, I think if you look deep enough, deeper that TMZ would look you’ll find the real root of this marriage break-up.

Of course, I’m talking about George W. Bush.

After all, we have come to learn in the last 2 years that George W. Bush is the center of most of our trouble here in America.  Remember, he stole the election from Al Gore and robbed Tipper of her chance to pick out the 44th china pattern at the White House.  That probably made her pretty mad.   In all seriousness, the evidence is unmistakable.

Here are the other things that have happened already this year that are easily attributable to George W. Bush:

BP Oil Spill-after Bush left office he had to do something with the giant Halliburton Hurricane machine that caused Hurricanes to hit poor black neighborhoods in New Orleans.  So he moved it to a hidden location on a BP platform in the Gulf.  Then, you guessed it, some idiot accidentally turned it on and it set the whole thing on fire.

Health Care Reform-only to the extent it is a bad thing is it really his fault–so yeah, the whole thing is his fault.  See, if he hadn’t been spending so much time at the Crawford Ranch cutting down helpless trees, he would have realized that our health care system is the envy of the world–which makes the world hate us–which is why we were attacked on 9/11 in the first place—while he was in office.

Gold Prices-Again, they are so high right now that no one in the poorer communities in our Nation can afford to buy any–which is patently unfair.  The prices are so high because while he was in office he obviously gathered most of it up and took it because he is a rich Republican.

Rubba Bandz

These are clearly his fault.  This cheap toy craze has kids not paying attention in school and fighting each other over “rare” shapes and colors.  None of this would be happening if George W. Bush hadn’t let the economy fall apart leaving children little choice but to entertain themselves with rubber bands shapped liked animals and musical instruments.

-It just goes on and on.  So consider this post a public service annoucement–quit wasting your time at work searching the Internet to find scoop on the Gore split.  First of all, since Al invented the Internet–he is good at hiding stuff in it.  Second–we all know it is GW’s fault so get back to work.

-Murphy

***UPDATE: Shortly after posting this, it was brought to my attention that the CBS Evening News made a similar accusation (although without any attempt to be humorous) last night.  I could not believe it so I watched the video online–sure enough the report states that losing the election “despite winning the popular vote” did irreparable damage to their marriage.  I would post the link but I dont’ want to give that joke of a news site any traffic.  I guess my prediction was right.  🙂 ***

“Consumer Option” vs. “Public Option” Redefines English Language

October 30, 2009

Our fearless leader of the House of Representatives has really outdone herself this time.  Today she produced a 1,900 page health care reform bill with no “public option.”  Errr…well…um I mean there is one it now called the “consumer option.”  Many of you know that she redefined the terms of this government takeover of our health care system a few days ago by simply “rebranding” the public option.  Now it doesn’t sound so darn socialismy (new word–just go with it).

But little did she know that she would start a revolution of the English Language.  Webster turned over in his grave this week as tens of tens of people rallied behind Madam Pelosi and took the lead to redefine many other areas of our language that just seemed a little well…negative.  So thank you Madam Speaker for your ingenuity, brilliance and trend-making abilities.  In conformity with rebranding the socialistic takeover of 1/6 of our economy from “Public” to “Consumer” here are a few more “rebranding” techniques currently in circulation:

1.  New Brand:  CHOCOLATE CAKE

CowPie.jpg image by triple789

Old Brand:  Cow Pie

2.  New Brand:  ART DECO

  Old Brand:  Toxic Mold

3.  New Brand:  STREET AFICIONADO

  Old Brand:  Homeless Person

4.  New Brand:  RELIGIOUS EXTROVERT

  Old Brand:  Terrorist

5.  New Brand:  MR. HOTTIE

  Old Brand:  Satan, Prince of Darkness, The Evil One, etc…

and finally…

6.  New Brand:  CONSUMERISTS

   Old Name:  Democrats, Socialists, Liberals, Jack…
 
 
“when I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.”
 
                                                 -James Whitcomb Riley
 
Murphy

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize–But Wait There’s More…

October 9, 2009

As you all undoubtedly know by now, our esteemed President is this year’s winner of the Nobel Peace Prize

Let’s review the purpose of the Nobel Peace Prize–taken from our friends at Wikipedia:

The Nobel Peace Prize (Swedish and Norwegian: Nobels fredspris) is the name of one of five Nobel Prizes bequeathed by the Swedish industrialist and inventor Alfred Nobel. According to Nobel’s will, the Peace Prize should be awarded “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between the nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses”.

Well, in light of that definition it is easy to see why President Obama, Vice-President Al Gore and President Carter have all been recipients of this award.  And let us not forget the most deserving recipient, Yasser Arafat. (he won in 1994).

So, I could go on and on about this but the talk show hosts and media have beat it to death today.  What hasn’t been discussed are the other lesser known awards that were given today along the same line of thinking.  You didn’t hear about them?  Well, here is a review of other awards with, let’s say, similar results.

1. The Mother Theresa Award -this award goes to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for children of all races throughout the world by making them happy instead of sad.  This year’s winner:

Michael Jackson

2.  The Joe Namath Award-this award goes to the person who shall have done the most to promote great hair products.  This year’s winner is:

Jason Statham

3.  The Abraham Lincoln Civility Award-this award goes to the person who shall have done the most to promote civility among the various and diverse members of our great society.  This year’s winner is:

Kanye West

4.  The Mr. Monopoly Economic Award-this award goes to the person who shall have done the most to promote sound economics, savings and investments in the lives of others.  This year’s winner is:

Bernard Madoff

5.  The George Washington Cherry Tree Media Award-this award goes to the media outlet that shall have done the most to promote honesty and integrity in the publication of unbiased news.  This year’s winner is:

A TIE!

The New York Times

and

MSNBC

and finally, I want to thank the State Bar of Texas for honoring me with The Best Family Law Attorney Award.  Here is a short piece of the interview I gave shortly after receiving my award.

Presenter:  How does it feel Mr. Klasing to have won such an esteemed award?

Murphy:  I am surprised and humbled, but mostly surprised.

Presenter:  But why are you so surprised?

Murphy:  Well frankly, I don’t practice Family Law–I mean yeah, I’ve been in Family Court, um… I think once, but I am not a Family Attorney.

Presenter:  Well, the award is given to you this year because you have said the most about bringing about real change in the Family law system and you have inspired much hope among that section of the bar.

Murphy:  Really?  Odd.  I mean, sure I’m flattered, but I can’t think of what it is I have really actually done.  Sure I have said that the divorce rate is too high in America and that we need to do something to bring the family back together, but I mean…

Presenter:  See–there you go.

Murphy:  See what?  I mean, of course I will accept this award as a call to action to stop divorce and child custody battles and to do what I can to bring the family back together–but you have to understand, I’m a trial lawyer whose practice primarily centers around defending corporations and small companies, not dividing silver ware—not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Presenter:  Well I think you now know why you received this esteemed award and I want to thank you for your time today.  This is Randy Meier for MSNBC News Headlines.

Murphy:  Okay…whatever.

-Murphy

The “NEW” 10 Shortest Books In The World

September 16, 2009

In light of recent events its time once again to update our list of the Worlds 10 Shortest Books.  Thanks to our staff here at MKCB we have scanned the globe for you.  We know how hard it is to read a good book with all that goes on in your daily life, so we have compile this list so you can grab a book, take a restroom break, finish the book and thereby kill two birds with one stone.

For your reading pleasure, here is our updated list of the Worlds 10 Shortest Books:

1.  MY RELEVANCE IN THE WORLD by Jimmy Carter

2.  DIETS I’VE TRIED AND SPONSORED THAT ACTUALLY WORK by Oprah Winfrey

3.  THE DEMOCRATS THAT NEVER ACCUSED BUSH OF LYING:  A History from 2001-Present byMSNBC News

4.  BEAUTY SECRETS FROM THE HILL by Nancy Pelosi

5.  ANTHOLOGY: A Collection of Interesting Portions of Books Written by Jimmy Carter

6.  INTEGRITY, HUMILITY, AND A LOVE FOR OUR COUNTRY a collection of writings from members of ACORN

7.  LEGITIMATE BUSINESS TRIPS TO ARGENTINA by Mark Sanford

8.  MICHIGAN’S BOOMING ECONOMY by Gov. Jennifer Granholm

9.  EFFICIENCY: A History of the U.S. Government-Run Industries that Thrive  by the Congressional Budget Office

10.  VICTORYThe Storied Wins of the Houston Texan Football Team  by Bud Adams

AND THIS JUST IN–BONUS BOOK:

11.  THE TRUTH ABOUT THE, ER I MEAN “MY” HEALTH CARE PLAN  by President Barack Obama

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

-Murphy

Why So Serious?

August 10, 2009

Socialism

This is a little frightening.  Apparently these posters are showing up in Los Angeles at random places and no one knows who is putting them up.  

Funny thing is, this poster is too close to reality to be that funny or shocking.  This article is for all of you out there that agree with our President regarding Universal Health Care.  For weeks we have been hearing how Republicans and conservatives are just fear-mongering the public into believing that Obama’s “solution” to our Health Care “crisis” is a one-payer socialist system of Health Care.  How silly we are.  I mean–it’s not like Obama has ever said that it would be a replacement for private health insurance or that it would be a 15 or 20 year strategy to move towards a one-payer system.  I mean that is simply ludicrous.  After all, this Country “deserves a better class of” health care, and Obama is going to give it to us.  Or is he……

Okay there I go again pointing out that our President is a two-faced liar and has an agenda that he purposely hides behind.

Democrat:  Oh yeah, well George Bush was a liar too and we have to do something about Health Care because of all of these illegal er, I mean poor folks that cannot afford insurance.

(I am just anticipating the brilliant argument)–But wait maybe there is some truth in all of this, maybe the government running our Health Care will be better than private greedy industry running it.  I mean after all–the Government has shown even recently that it can run the cars for klunkers program so efficiently and we all know how well budgeted the US Post Office is.  I mean, who has ever had to wait in a long line for a passport?  And how about the IRS–that place runs like a well-oiled machine.  I think at last count they are only estimating about $15billion in taxes that will be wrongfully withheld–so that’s good.

And now—the Government is going to spend $550 million on private jets for congressmen and women.  So maybe those posters of Obama are not meant to be insulting.  Maybe they are accurate.  It was Heath Ledger as the Joker who said this:

Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things.”

If he was being honest, can’t you just hear Obama saying the exact same thing?

-Murphy

P.S.  This post and all future posts about the administration will be sent to the following link:  flag@whitehouse.gov.  I just feel the Government should know about my “fishy” website.  I’m just being patriotic.

250,000 HITS! Can it Be?

July 27, 2009

Kids:    Mr. President, did you hear that Murphy Klasing’s Conservative Blog has over 250,000 hits now in less than a year and a half?

Hussein:  WHAT?!  No way!   Now listen children, let me tell you a story about Mr. Klasing.

Kids:  Okay, we love him–he takes real life stories about stupid liberal ideas and shows how ridiculous they are with satire and exaggeration–but some people think he is kind of crazy.

Hussein:  Well, first of all, he is a conservative or radical or right-winger as we like to say in the White House and as such he is automatically a racist, a bigot, a homophobe and an intolerant dummy–in fact I would say that oftentimes he acts stupidly.

Kids:  You mean like that mean white cop you told us about in the first story?

Hussein:  Exactly–all white cops that arrest minorites act stupidly and all conservatives often times act stupidly as well.  Let me show you what I mean…

Hussein:  In this story living in a plush castle paid for by decades of nasty things we call “profits” and “earnings,”  the evil white conservative lived and provided for his family by working real hard and never taking any of the help the government was trying to offer him.

Kids:  Boooooooo!

Hussein: (to M’chel quietly):  See how easy they are to manipulate.

Hussein:  So anyway kids, the evil conservative saw that the Good King, lets call him “Obbie” was trying to take all of the evil profits away and turn the land into a land of equality and good health care for all and he began to fight King Obbie.  The evil conservative began to do bad bad things.

Kids:  Like what?

Hussein:  Like participate in illegal tea parties and participate in conservative talk radio and worst yet—express his views in a public Blog!

Kids:  What is a blog?

Hussein:  It’s something that soon I’ll make sure doesn’t exist–but that is something for my third or fourth term.  Anyway, back to the story.  So the Evil Conservative continued to fight and the Good King Obbie became sad because a solider of the Evil One–Commander Rasmussen was telling everyone that the Good King wasn’t as well liked as he used to be.  So…

(telepromter quits working)

Hussein:  So…, um so….

Kids:  So what?  PLease tell us!!!

Hussein:  So…um…well…um…The Good King killed the stupid Evil Conservative and the world was all better-The End!

Kids:  That story sucked about as much as your Health Care Bill does!

Hussein:  Curse you Conservative Bloggers!

-Murphy

-Thanks to all who have visited and made this Blog a place to stop by–After I spend a few more days catching Bass in the unemployed State of Michigan, I’ll come back and blog some more.  Thanks, thanks, thanks!

Universal Health Care And Other Stuff We “Deserve”

July 24, 2009

“Americans Deserve Universal Health Care”  USA Today, Reader Opinion Feb. 26, 2009.

All of us deserve access to care, so I think universal health care should be this country’s goal just like other developed countries,”  Wendell Potter, former Chief of Public Relations for CIGNA

“Americans deserve universal health care,” Congressman Jim McDermott, D-Washington State, May 2004.

When did Americans elevate themselves into a position of “deserving” certain things for free or at least at the expense of others.  I thought we were the America that was too “arrogant” and needed this President to take us down to reality.  And yet…we seem to deserve a great many things.

DESERVE:  (according to Dictionary.com):  to merit, to be qualified for, or have a claim to because of actions, qualities or situation.

Interesting isn’t it?  Here are some other things we apparently deserve:

1. McDonalds:  “You deserve a break today.”

2. Maureen Dowd The New York Times:  “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

3. Shiney Red Button Advertising:  “Full Service.  Because you Deserve it.”

4. John McCain Campaign:  “The Change You Deserve.” (see even the elephants are in on this trend)

it goes on and on…

I never realized how much I deserved.  I mean there is that Constitution which outlines rights we have–but it doesn’t have a “Bill of Stuff We Deserve.”

The last time I checked, Health Care was an industry–mostly private in nature.  What happens is this, a person gets to feeling kind of bad.  The person makes a decision to become a consumer of either a doctor, a clinic or an ER and makes an appointment to be checked out.  The doctor diagnoses the problem (after 8 + years of school and training that most people would never be able to accomplish) and then charges for his/her time in treating the patient.  The patient then writes a check for the amount owed and moves on with his/her life.

Sometimes, unfortunately, a person has a really bad thing like cancer or a heart attack or a debilitating disease and that person’s medical bills will be substantially worse.  Life is just that way–some will have high medical costs, some will not.  Some will get sick despite living a healthy lifestyle, some will get sick because they spent a majority of their lives smoking, or doing drugs, or eating unhealthy food or drinking in excess or…..

But now, all of a sudden, we “deserve” this health care treatment for free or for a reasonable price–determined by our government.

If you buy that and believe me, if it passes you will certainly BUY it—then answer me this–why don’t we also deserve the following other things that would make us (or at least me) happy?

1.  A Car That Runs On Air

The Air Car–runs on compressed air.  I think I deserve a car of my liking (not this ugly piece of crud) that runs on air–and I deserve it at the same price as a mid-sized car like a Corolla.

I Deserve one of these to run on air:

2.  To Be Debt Free

Is this guy happy or jumping off a cliff?  Anyway–sure I have some student loans (just like most doctors do) but I don’t deserve it.  I went to Law School, graduated and have held a job ever since–I think I deserve the remainder of my loans to be waived.

3.  Great Food

Why should I, a great American, be subjected to eating garbage for food.  I expect as a human being in this land to be served Great Food no matter where I dine.  If I order a quadruple meat crabby patty from King in the Box–I expect it to be made with 100% fat free, organically fed beef and to look similar to the dishes above–after all—I DESERVE IT!

I could go on–but of course this kind of thinking is ridiculous.  As a human being, I don’t deserve anything.  Sure if I work I deserve to be paid for my work.  But the difference there is the give and take.  I don’t deserve health care–but am thankful we have the greatest in the world.  I don’t deserve air conditioning–but am thankful it was invented and I can afford it.  I don’t deserve friends—but am thankful that some people find me amusing enough to call me “friend.”  I don’t deserve a beautiful wife and family–but am thankful they don’t see the real me and if they do, they love me anyway.

I don’t even deserve Freedom–but am thanful to the men and women who over the past 230+ years have fought for it and died for it so that I could reap the unearned benefits of it. 

And so—that argument is frankly stupid.  We don’t deserve national health care–we don’t deserve for the government to take over one of our largest industries and turn it into the ineffcient boob that the IRS, USPS and TSA already are.  We don’t deserve to be taxed to death to pay for a system that will become worse once the government decides to take it from us. 

So please, with all deserving respect Mr. President and Ms. Speaker, quit lying to us, quit trying to convince us that only you can save us from ourselves and quit turning our Country into Europe–we certainly don’t deserve that!

-Murphy