Archive for the ‘Joe Biden’ category

Joe Biden: One Heartbeat Away…

July 17, 2009

From full-on dementia.

Our esteemed Vice-President has really done it this time.  Yesterday in the wake of the Congressional Budget Office warning all of us that National Health Care would be the last crack in the wall of our economy to make the entire thing tumble down, Joe Biden states without laughing, “We have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt.”

But let’s give the man from Delaware a break shall we.  I mean this statement is an obscene display of ignorance–but it is not the first.  For example, take a moment and laugh at these zingers:

“A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!”–Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”–Joe Biden on Barack Obama

“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”–Joe Biden

“Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart.”–Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

“When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.”–Joe Biden, apparently unaware that FDR wasn’t president when the stock market crashed in 1929 and that only experimental TV sets were in use at that time, interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 22, 2008

“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”–-Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

But maybe I’m being too harsh on that jolly ole’ Biden.  Maybe there is something to what he said.  You have to spend money to keep from going bankrupt.  How would that logic translate into other areas of our life?  Hmmmm….

How about these ideas?

1.  You have to keep drinking if you want to avoid becoming an alcoholic.

2.  You have to leap from the edge to avoid falling off.

3.  You have to keep on cheating to keep from committing adultery.

4.  You have to drive faster to keep from being charged with speeding.

5.  You have to keep on eating to avoid becoming obese.

6.  You have to keep voting Democrat to keep from thinking for yourself.

-Murphy

Advertisements

Swine Flu Alert: Biden Scared, Michelle Devasated

April 30, 2009

In what can only be described as panic and fear, our Vice-President has issued a stern warning.  “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now.”  Except of course the confined space of Delaware.  Biden’s remarks on the Today show have some people freaked out.  We have decided to ask some Americans that actually listen to what Biden has to say with any sense that it means something so we could determine the effect of his words.

It has been hard to find someone that fits that level of say…intelligence, but we have located one upstate New Yorker that was willing to talk to us:

“We are here with Clifford Butane a resident of New York who is quite concerned about the swine flu and VP Biden’s comments”

Clifford:  “I’m so happy to talk to you about this–man I’m freaked out!”

Q:  “Well Clifford..”

Clifford:  “You can call me ‘Spark.'”

Q:  “Umm..okay, so Spark, what have you done in response to VP Biden’s remarks?”

Spark:  “Well first I really took it to my heart what he said about closed spaces so I have raised the roof if you know what I mean.”

Q:  “I don’t know what you mean.”

Spark:  “I mean I raised it–duh–look over there”

Q:  “Oh, you literally took the roof off your house?”

Spark:  “No, I didn’t write a book about it, I took the roof off so that my space would no longer be enclosed.”

Q:  “Okay, well, that is interesting.  What else have you done to prepare?”

Spark:  “I threw away all my bacon and sausage that I was storing up to eat cuz’ I was scared it might be infected.”

Q:  “Didn’t your hear that you can’t catch the swine flu from pork products?”

Spark:  “Sure, but I suppose you believe you can’t catch Asian flu from orientals neither.”

Q:  “Well, of course you can’t-that is ridiculous.”

Spark:  “Tell that to all the people in Asia with the flu.”

(awkward silence)

Q:  “Anything else you are doing to heed his warning?”

Spark:  “Yes, I am never again eating at Subway’s”

Q: “Why not?”

Spark:  “Because our VP–who I trust–said that he wouldn’t even let his family go into a Subway’s.  That’s good enough for me.”

Q:  “Thank you for your time sir.”

Spark:  “No problem–‘live long and prosper’ my friend.”

So there you have it–the public reacts to Joe Biden…

On another front, Michelle Obama is simply beside herself trying to figure out what to do about this terrible outbreak.  Unfortunately most surgical masks only come in white or that hospital greenish color.

Michelle was quoted as saying “What can I possibly wear with that hideous green color.  Nothing in my new wardrobe matches that!”  A furious Michelle is said to be barred up in the White House attempting to calm down…developing.

-Murphy