Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

The “NEW” 10 Shortest Books In The World

September 16, 2009

In light of recent events its time once again to update our list of the Worlds 10 Shortest Books.  Thanks to our staff here at MKCB we have scanned the globe for you.  We know how hard it is to read a good book with all that goes on in your daily life, so we have compile this list so you can grab a book, take a restroom break, finish the book and thereby kill two birds with one stone.

For your reading pleasure, here is our updated list of the Worlds 10 Shortest Books:

1.  MY RELEVANCE IN THE WORLD by Jimmy Carter

2.  DIETS I’VE TRIED AND SPONSORED THAT ACTUALLY WORK by Oprah Winfrey

3.  THE DEMOCRATS THAT NEVER ACCUSED BUSH OF LYING:  A History from 2001-Present byMSNBC News

4.  BEAUTY SECRETS FROM THE HILL by Nancy Pelosi

5.  ANTHOLOGY: A Collection of Interesting Portions of Books Written by Jimmy Carter

6.  INTEGRITY, HUMILITY, AND A LOVE FOR OUR COUNTRY a collection of writings from members of ACORN

7.  LEGITIMATE BUSINESS TRIPS TO ARGENTINA by Mark Sanford

8.  MICHIGAN’S BOOMING ECONOMY by Gov. Jennifer Granholm

9.  EFFICIENCY: A History of the U.S. Government-Run Industries that Thrive  by the Congressional Budget Office

10.  VICTORYThe Storied Wins of the Houston Texan Football Team  by Bud Adams

AND THIS JUST IN–BONUS BOOK:

11.  THE TRUTH ABOUT THE, ER I MEAN “MY” HEALTH CARE PLAN  by President Barack Obama

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

-Murphy

The Queen of Socialism Calls Dissenters “Un-American”

August 10, 2009

Apparently, shouting out your views against Health Care is Un-American.  That is what Nancy Pelosi states in her USA Today opinion article.  How is it that Ms. Pelosi can write an opinion article in USA Today supporting socialized medicine, but Republican congressmen are having trouble sending out fliers to their constituency because Ms. Pelosi won’t approve the language being used to tell the truth about this radical takeover of our health care industry? 

Ms. Pelosi, (Lord help me I never thought I’d do THIS)-I suggest you take some advice from ….

(can I say it?)….

Hillary Clinton:

Sorry folks, I know that listening to that cackle will make asbestos melt, but I guess it doesn’t apply when people are against Democrats and their policies.  It apparently only applies when you are condemning George Bush.

One day I’ll get these silly rules straight.  I keep looking to the Constitution, but obviously the Rules are written somewhere else.

-Murphy

Why So Serious?

August 10, 2009

Socialism

This is a little frightening.  Apparently these posters are showing up in Los Angeles at random places and no one knows who is putting them up.  

Funny thing is, this poster is too close to reality to be that funny or shocking.  This article is for all of you out there that agree with our President regarding Universal Health Care.  For weeks we have been hearing how Republicans and conservatives are just fear-mongering the public into believing that Obama’s “solution” to our Health Care “crisis” is a one-payer socialist system of Health Care.  How silly we are.  I mean–it’s not like Obama has ever said that it would be a replacement for private health insurance or that it would be a 15 or 20 year strategy to move towards a one-payer system.  I mean that is simply ludicrous.  After all, this Country “deserves a better class of” health care, and Obama is going to give it to us.  Or is he……

Okay there I go again pointing out that our President is a two-faced liar and has an agenda that he purposely hides behind.

Democrat:  Oh yeah, well George Bush was a liar too and we have to do something about Health Care because of all of these illegal er, I mean poor folks that cannot afford insurance.

(I am just anticipating the brilliant argument)–But wait maybe there is some truth in all of this, maybe the government running our Health Care will be better than private greedy industry running it.  I mean after all–the Government has shown even recently that it can run the cars for klunkers program so efficiently and we all know how well budgeted the US Post Office is.  I mean, who has ever had to wait in a long line for a passport?  And how about the IRS–that place runs like a well-oiled machine.  I think at last count they are only estimating about $15billion in taxes that will be wrongfully withheld–so that’s good.

And now—the Government is going to spend $550 million on private jets for congressmen and women.  So maybe those posters of Obama are not meant to be insulting.  Maybe they are accurate.  It was Heath Ledger as the Joker who said this:

Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things.”

If he was being honest, can’t you just hear Obama saying the exact same thing?

-Murphy

P.S.  This post and all future posts about the administration will be sent to the following link:  flag@whitehouse.gov.  I just feel the Government should know about my “fishy” website.  I’m just being patriotic.

250,000 HITS! Can it Be?

July 27, 2009

Kids:    Mr. President, did you hear that Murphy Klasing’s Conservative Blog has over 250,000 hits now in less than a year and a half?

Hussein:  WHAT?!  No way!   Now listen children, let me tell you a story about Mr. Klasing.

Kids:  Okay, we love him–he takes real life stories about stupid liberal ideas and shows how ridiculous they are with satire and exaggeration–but some people think he is kind of crazy.

Hussein:  Well, first of all, he is a conservative or radical or right-winger as we like to say in the White House and as such he is automatically a racist, a bigot, a homophobe and an intolerant dummy–in fact I would say that oftentimes he acts stupidly.

Kids:  You mean like that mean white cop you told us about in the first story?

Hussein:  Exactly–all white cops that arrest minorites act stupidly and all conservatives often times act stupidly as well.  Let me show you what I mean…

Hussein:  In this story living in a plush castle paid for by decades of nasty things we call “profits” and “earnings,”  the evil white conservative lived and provided for his family by working real hard and never taking any of the help the government was trying to offer him.

Kids:  Boooooooo!

Hussein: (to M’chel quietly):  See how easy they are to manipulate.

Hussein:  So anyway kids, the evil conservative saw that the Good King, lets call him “Obbie” was trying to take all of the evil profits away and turn the land into a land of equality and good health care for all and he began to fight King Obbie.  The evil conservative began to do bad bad things.

Kids:  Like what?

Hussein:  Like participate in illegal tea parties and participate in conservative talk radio and worst yet—express his views in a public Blog!

Kids:  What is a blog?

Hussein:  It’s something that soon I’ll make sure doesn’t exist–but that is something for my third or fourth term.  Anyway, back to the story.  So the Evil Conservative continued to fight and the Good King Obbie became sad because a solider of the Evil One–Commander Rasmussen was telling everyone that the Good King wasn’t as well liked as he used to be.  So…

(telepromter quits working)

Hussein:  So…, um so….

Kids:  So what?  PLease tell us!!!

Hussein:  So…um…well…um…The Good King killed the stupid Evil Conservative and the world was all better-The End!

Kids:  That story sucked about as much as your Health Care Bill does!

Hussein:  Curse you Conservative Bloggers!

-Murphy

-Thanks to all who have visited and made this Blog a place to stop by–After I spend a few more days catching Bass in the unemployed State of Michigan, I’ll come back and blog some more.  Thanks, thanks, thanks!

Joe Biden: One Heartbeat Away…

July 17, 2009

From full-on dementia.

Our esteemed Vice-President has really done it this time.  Yesterday in the wake of the Congressional Budget Office warning all of us that National Health Care would be the last crack in the wall of our economy to make the entire thing tumble down, Joe Biden states without laughing, “We have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt.”

But let’s give the man from Delaware a break shall we.  I mean this statement is an obscene display of ignorance–but it is not the first.  For example, take a moment and laugh at these zingers:

“A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!”–Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”–Joe Biden on Barack Obama

“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”–Joe Biden

“Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart.”–Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

“When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.”–Joe Biden, apparently unaware that FDR wasn’t president when the stock market crashed in 1929 and that only experimental TV sets were in use at that time, interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 22, 2008

“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”–-Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

But maybe I’m being too harsh on that jolly ole’ Biden.  Maybe there is something to what he said.  You have to spend money to keep from going bankrupt.  How would that logic translate into other areas of our life?  Hmmmm….

How about these ideas?

1.  You have to keep drinking if you want to avoid becoming an alcoholic.

2.  You have to leap from the edge to avoid falling off.

3.  You have to keep on cheating to keep from committing adultery.

4.  You have to drive faster to keep from being charged with speeding.

5.  You have to keep on eating to avoid becoming obese.

6.  You have to keep voting Democrat to keep from thinking for yourself.

-Murphy

Individual Carbon Emissions And Other Stupid Ideas!

July 7, 2009

Well, it was just a matter of time before the Global Warming cultists decided that the real problem with the environment is not SUVs or manufacturing plants or cow burps–no the real problem is you and me.  In a study presented on Monday at  the National Academy of Sciences Monday, brilliant minds decided that we should be “setting a uniform international cap on how much carbon dioxide each person could emit in order to limit global emissions; since rich people emit more, they are the ones likely to reach or exceed this cap, whether they live in a rich country or a poor one.”  See Article.

So, then I suppose if we all stay under the “cap” then somehow greenhouse gas emissions will be reduced.  But what happens if we exceed our cap?  Let’s say I go on a speaking tour and go all over American talking about how Cap and Trade will destroy industry and cause poor people to freeze in the winter and how Nationalized Health Care will ruin the best health care system on Earth and how America is becoming a socialist Nation.  Now, what happens in October when my plane travel, car travel and excessive talking reaches my cap?

Well, um…well, um…that won’t work exactly so I guess to compensate for blowing through my cap I’ll likely have to–what is it again?—oh yeah, pay some money to the government in the form of fines and fees.  I suppose from October to December I can hold my breath 1 minute per hour to lower my fees and also quit working so that I don’t use my car or a plane and not talk on the phone or use any electricity.  That is a GREAT idea! 

I guess it doesn’t matter to the Global Warming crowd that although temperatures did rise slightly in the 1980’s and 1990’s, since 2001 there has been no change in the Earth’s temperature.  In fact, studies suggest the temperature has actually dropped.  I suppose it doesn’t matter that weather forecasters can’t accurately predict 3 days from now, much less 10, 20 or 30 years from now.

But hey, facts are silly.  This, like Cap and Trade, is all a scheme to gain control of our lives, not to actually help the environment.  After all, when cap and trade causes American businesses to fail, they will simply ship the business overseas to a Country that could care less about emissions standards and continue to pollute the Earth–only worse than they were originally doing here–oh and also–our goods will cost more because they will have to be shipped back overseas to us–which will cause ships to use fuel and emit more carbons.  And so on, and so on and so on….

But wait, this is not the only Good Idea we have seen in our lifetime–here is a review of some other ideas with similar importance to the improvement of our lives:

1.  Leisure Suits

Now that was a great idea–I mean look at those teens and how comfortable they look and so stylish too. 

2.  The 8-Track Tape

What a concept!  It is pure marketing genius.  See an artist only needs one or two hits to make you buy the entire tape–but then once you start playing it, there is virtually no way to listen to those hits twice without listening to the entire tape–including all the cruddy B-songs.  And endless frustration ensues when you switch “programs” to hear your song again, but it picks up in the middle of the song every time.  Those years of frustration led to a decade of middle-aged adults hooked on Xanax.  Brilliant idea!

3.  The Susan B Anthony Dollar (tied) and Sackagaweadgasdgawea (sp?) Dollar

In the Government’s painful attempt to “make up” for all of the sexist money in our society that only honors MALE Presidents, these two coins were attempted.  I must say, if not for these, toll booths and stamp vending machines may have never been invented.  I know they didn’t make it long, but I’m still hopeful that the Oprah dollar will be out one day.  If only Hillary had won then we could put her beautiful face on a coin–or maybe a 3 dollar bill.

4. OJ Simpson’s Glove Attempt

You gotta say this idea was superb!  I mean it wasn’t enough that they found his blood at the scene of the murder (planted there by racist cops) but one of his bloody gloves was found in his yard.  Of course it would fit–I mean surely he would simply put it on and the case would be over.  Well…guess not.

5.  Plus Sized Spandex

(Content Warning)

fat_chick.jpg image by chare37

Um, no comment.

6.  The U.S. Metric System

I mean, if we want to be like Europe we need to learn it.  Apparently we don’t.

7.  Flowbee

Now see, this is an idea that could change us all.  No one has time or money to get a hair cut and with Flowbee-you can do it all from home.  It’s not just a haircutting system, it is a precision hair cutting system.

8.  Senator Al Franken

Thank you Minnesota.  First you gave us a wrestler for a Governor–(great idea number 9 if our list was longer) and now this.  I just wander what really goes on up there in the land of 1000 lakes.  I’m sure now that the Democrats have a super majority in the Senate AND (bonus time) the fact that the 60th Senator is such a well-respected comedian, we will all benefit from this Great Idea, just as much as the rest!

-Murphy

Thanks Obama-Now The World Really Loves Us!

June 22, 2009

Remember last year?  I know it was a while ago, but think back—remember what we heard about Bush’s ability to handle foreign relations?

Remember the mantra of the left?  Bush has caused the world to hate us.  Europe doesn’t like us, the Arab world doesn’t like us and the Asian world doesn’t like us. 

Boo hoo!

Why earlier this month, our President was telling Egypt that America needs to repair its relationship with the Muslim world:  “I’ve come here to Cairo to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world, one based on mutual interest and mutual respect, and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition.”   

So, it seems that after 6 months of wonderful speechs and numerous TV appearances and diplomatic promises and discussion, the promise of closing of prisons holding known terrorists, quoting from the Torah and the Koran has led to the following headlines:

North Korea Threatens to Harm US if Attacked

Al Qaeda Says It Will Use Pakistani Nuclear Weapons on US

Iran Revolutionary Guard Say They’ll Crush Protests

Iran Starts AirForce Manuevers in Gulf

Can you feel the love?

appeasement.jpg appeasement pelosi image by reaganista

In trying to learn from our Commander in Chief–I have decided to agree to settle all lawsuits filed against my clients.  I know, there may be some that are overreaching, there may be some that are frivolous, but fighting for what is right is so early 2000’s.  It’s time to appease.   Imagine how better these scenarios would have turned out if we had simply tried to “talk about it” first.

1.  “Coward of the County” by Kenny Rogers  In this song the “coward” finally beats up the Gatlin boys when they attack the love of his life.  But that is no way to go.  He should have sat down with the Gatlin boys and tried to understand their rage–maybe they never got that pony they ask for from Santa, maybe their mother was a drunk–who knows–and that’s the point–we never will because when he was done “not a gatlin boy was standing.”

2.  WWII-Bombing of Japan-Again, obviously our aggressive action was in response to the Surprise Attack on Pearl Harbor–but why go about it like savages?  We could have sat down with the Japanese and simply asked them:  “Hey, why did you feel the need to hurt us so?”  Maybe General Tojo would have sat down and wept at the thought that we actually cared about his needs.

3. War of Northern Aggression-what a bloody mess that was.  Did the North ever think that maybe the South was better off without them and vice versa?  No.  I mean what did the war accomplish anyway–well okay the abolition of slavery–but who knows, maybe if the North had simply sat down with the Southern leaders and said, “Look, we understand you want your own Country with your cute little “X” flag but can we talk about this slavery thingy?”  No one ever tries anything anymore.

4. S.W.A.T.-look at this horrific scene.  Policemen with  their heavy armor and heavy artillery.  Yikes!  How about this approach to a group of bad guys or even one bad guy holding hostages–get some Cheetos–everyone loves them.  Open the bag and show it the ALLEGED bad guy and see if he will sit down and munch on a few.  Then you can open a dialogue with him and find out what is really troubling him.  Isn’t that better than this Rambo-like approach?

halloween-cheetos

So, in honor of our President’s success in this arena, I’m going to send a bag of Cheetos to all those who don’t like me, who are angered by me, who have cases against my clients–so then, maybe then we can all finally get along.

-Murphy