Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

Obama: “Things Could Be Worse”

July 1, 2010

Okay first of all–go to minute 47 of this hour long feature film and watch for about a minute–then you are prepared to read on…

So here we have our President saying that the way we know that the stimulus worked is because things could be worse.  And, of course, if you think about it, he is right.  I mean the argument that things could be better without it makes no sense whatsoever because, um… well… it just doesn’t.  Look stop fighting the logic of this administration because you obviously misunderstand the points they are trying to make.

For example, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that unemployment checks are creating jobs.  What?  You don’t get that?  Jeez…do I have to do all the thinking around here?

You see, when unemployed people get money, they spend it.  By spending money they are buying goods that are produced by people.  By buying those goods, people have to be employed to make more.  See?  Unemployment is good for the economy.

So you still don’t get it?  Well  I’ll try and explain it by using some other examples.

  1. Al and Tipper Gore have a good marriage when Al is happy.
  2. Al gets an inappropriate massage to release his shakra so that he can be happy.
  3. Getting an inappropriate massage is good for Al and Tipper’s marriage. 

See?  No?  Let me try another one.

  1. Cooking fish in oil is healthier than cooking fish in butter
  2. BP spilled zillions of barrells of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
  3. Fish in the Gulf are now covered with oil.
  4. Fish covered in oil can be cooked “as is.”
  5. Spilling oil into the Gulf is healthy.

It is so easy.  Okay 1 more then hopefully you will get it.

  1. Tiger Woods is worth $900 million to $1 billion dollars
  2. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife a billion times.
  3. Tiger Woods’ wife is getting $750 million in the divorce
  4. Cheating worked because her take could have been worse.

Now do you get it?  NO!!???? I give up on you guys, seriously.

-Murphy

Eclipse: An Interview with a Fan!

July 1, 2010

As your teenagers have told you, Twilight’s latest installment “Eclipse” was released to millions of views at Midnight on Tuesday.  Without commenting on our view of the series or Vampires or which team is liberal or conservative, we here at MKCB decided to interview a moviegoer waiting in line that night to see if all the hype has had an adverse affect on our society.  Here is what we determined:

Meet Mary and Jenna-two fans camping out in line to see “Eclipse” on opening night.

MKCB:   So Mary, I see you have a blanket made out of the movie poster-how did you get that?

Mary:    OMG!  It is so awesome!  I copied the picture off of the internet and took it to Walgreens and had them make this totally awesome blanket–which I so totally needed for tonight’s showing.

Jenna:  Yeah!

MKCB:  And so how long have you been camped out here waiting for the movie to begin?

Mary:  Since October 17 of last year.

Jenna:  Yeah…

MKCB:  Ummm, wow, that is amazing.  You do know don’t you that it will likely be showing all summer and you could probably see it this weekend without much trouble?

Mary:  Shut-up!  What kind of Team Edward player would I be if I didn’t show up and show Edward how loyal I am to him?  What would he think?

Jenna:  Yeah, and what would Team Jacob think?

MKCB:  Probably nothing, because he has no idea you are actually here today.

Mary:  You did not just say that! 

Jenna:  Yeah…whatever…

MKCB:  So how have you been able to survive sitting here for 8 months?

Mary:  Well, I brought a laaaaaaaa lot of chips and cokes and stuff and Jenna and I take turns watching the stuff so we can eat and go to the ladies room and stuff like that…

Jenna: Yeah…

MKCB:  Well have you been keeping up with the news?  What do you think of the oil spill?

Mary:  Dude, they totally cleaned that up years ago before that Palin chick was ever even heard of.

Jenna:  Yeah…

MKCB:  No, I mean the new oil spill.

Mary:  ummmm…. well….

MKCB:  Nevermind, what about the Al Gore sex scandal–have you heard about that?

Mary:  Ewwwwww…. seriously, that is gross and no, I’m so sure that did not happen.

Jenna: Yeah…

MKCB:  Well, enjoy the show, I just wanted you to know that the movie is 126 minutes long so you have been sitting here 2.06 days for each minute of the movie.

Mary:  BOOM!  Dude my brain just exploded.

Jenna: Yeah, mine totally did.

MKCB:  Funny, I don’t see any loose pieces lying around…

Mary:  Whatever.

The Gore’s Breakup: It’s Bush’s Fault!

June 2, 2010

After a 6 month leave of absence from blogging, it is time to jump back in.  After some involvement in the Tea Party movement and a few speaking engagments I felt it was time to get back political swing of things.  Work and life are hectic, but I cannot stay silent any longer.  So like it or not, I’m baaaaaaack!  🙂

It was the kiss that grossed out a Nation!  And yet, 40 years after saying “I do” the global warming couple is calling it quits–with little explanation.  They said it is mutual–which means they both agree on it–which doesn’t tell us anything.  What could be the explanation for a split of this magnitude.

Could it be that Tipper can no longer live with a man who has made millions of dollars on a lie?  No, she has been doing that ever since then Senator AL Gore said he was “pro-life.”

Could it be that Tipper is jealous of Al’s unnatural attraction to Leo?

Maybe she is mad that Al’s proposed Four Dollar bill never took off.

No, I think if you look deep enough, deeper that TMZ would look you’ll find the real root of this marriage break-up.

Of course, I’m talking about George W. Bush.

After all, we have come to learn in the last 2 years that George W. Bush is the center of most of our trouble here in America.  Remember, he stole the election from Al Gore and robbed Tipper of her chance to pick out the 44th china pattern at the White House.  That probably made her pretty mad.   In all seriousness, the evidence is unmistakable.

Here are the other things that have happened already this year that are easily attributable to George W. Bush:

BP Oil Spill-after Bush left office he had to do something with the giant Halliburton Hurricane machine that caused Hurricanes to hit poor black neighborhoods in New Orleans.  So he moved it to a hidden location on a BP platform in the Gulf.  Then, you guessed it, some idiot accidentally turned it on and it set the whole thing on fire.

Health Care Reform-only to the extent it is a bad thing is it really his fault–so yeah, the whole thing is his fault.  See, if he hadn’t been spending so much time at the Crawford Ranch cutting down helpless trees, he would have realized that our health care system is the envy of the world–which makes the world hate us–which is why we were attacked on 9/11 in the first place—while he was in office.

Gold Prices-Again, they are so high right now that no one in the poorer communities in our Nation can afford to buy any–which is patently unfair.  The prices are so high because while he was in office he obviously gathered most of it up and took it because he is a rich Republican.

Rubba Bandz

These are clearly his fault.  This cheap toy craze has kids not paying attention in school and fighting each other over “rare” shapes and colors.  None of this would be happening if George W. Bush hadn’t let the economy fall apart leaving children little choice but to entertain themselves with rubber bands shapped liked animals and musical instruments.

-It just goes on and on.  So consider this post a public service annoucement–quit wasting your time at work searching the Internet to find scoop on the Gore split.  First of all, since Al invented the Internet–he is good at hiding stuff in it.  Second–we all know it is GW’s fault so get back to work.

-Murphy

***UPDATE: Shortly after posting this, it was brought to my attention that the CBS Evening News made a similar accusation (although without any attempt to be humorous) last night.  I could not believe it so I watched the video online–sure enough the report states that losing the election “despite winning the popular vote” did irreparable damage to their marriage.  I would post the link but I dont’ want to give that joke of a news site any traffic.  I guess my prediction was right.  🙂 ***

“Consumer Option” vs. “Public Option” Redefines English Language

October 30, 2009

Our fearless leader of the House of Representatives has really outdone herself this time.  Today she produced a 1,900 page health care reform bill with no “public option.”  Errr…well…um I mean there is one it now called the “consumer option.”  Many of you know that she redefined the terms of this government takeover of our health care system a few days ago by simply “rebranding” the public option.  Now it doesn’t sound so darn socialismy (new word–just go with it).

But little did she know that she would start a revolution of the English Language.  Webster turned over in his grave this week as tens of tens of people rallied behind Madam Pelosi and took the lead to redefine many other areas of our language that just seemed a little well…negative.  So thank you Madam Speaker for your ingenuity, brilliance and trend-making abilities.  In conformity with rebranding the socialistic takeover of 1/6 of our economy from “Public” to “Consumer” here are a few more “rebranding” techniques currently in circulation:

1.  New Brand:  CHOCOLATE CAKE

CowPie.jpg image by triple789

Old Brand:  Cow Pie

2.  New Brand:  ART DECO

  Old Brand:  Toxic Mold

3.  New Brand:  STREET AFICIONADO

  Old Brand:  Homeless Person

4.  New Brand:  RELIGIOUS EXTROVERT

  Old Brand:  Terrorist

5.  New Brand:  MR. HOTTIE

  Old Brand:  Satan, Prince of Darkness, The Evil One, etc…

and finally…

6.  New Brand:  CONSUMERISTS

   Old Name:  Democrats, Socialists, Liberals, Jack…
 
 
“when I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.”
 
                                                 -James Whitcomb Riley
 
Murphy

Poor Aggies–A Preview of What’s To Come

October 20, 2009

 

aggie1.jpg image by BearMeat1845

I’m sorry Aggie-fan, truly I am.  I normally do not post anything degrading about A&M until we are closer to the “big” game, but this is too rich. 

After a humiliating loss to Kansas State this weekend, many Aggie-fans are asking, “How did this happen?” “How could we have not been more prepared.”

Then this video was located that gives us a little insight into how Aggies prepare for games–watch and either laugh or weep depending on your point of view:

Hook’em!

-Murphy

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize–But Wait There’s More…

October 9, 2009

As you all undoubtedly know by now, our esteemed President is this year’s winner of the Nobel Peace Prize

Let’s review the purpose of the Nobel Peace Prize–taken from our friends at Wikipedia:

The Nobel Peace Prize (Swedish and Norwegian: Nobels fredspris) is the name of one of five Nobel Prizes bequeathed by the Swedish industrialist and inventor Alfred Nobel. According to Nobel’s will, the Peace Prize should be awarded “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between the nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses”.

Well, in light of that definition it is easy to see why President Obama, Vice-President Al Gore and President Carter have all been recipients of this award.  And let us not forget the most deserving recipient, Yasser Arafat. (he won in 1994).

So, I could go on and on about this but the talk show hosts and media have beat it to death today.  What hasn’t been discussed are the other lesser known awards that were given today along the same line of thinking.  You didn’t hear about them?  Well, here is a review of other awards with, let’s say, similar results.

1. The Mother Theresa Award -this award goes to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for children of all races throughout the world by making them happy instead of sad.  This year’s winner:

Michael Jackson

2.  The Joe Namath Award-this award goes to the person who shall have done the most to promote great hair products.  This year’s winner is:

Jason Statham

3.  The Abraham Lincoln Civility Award-this award goes to the person who shall have done the most to promote civility among the various and diverse members of our great society.  This year’s winner is:

Kanye West

4.  The Mr. Monopoly Economic Award-this award goes to the person who shall have done the most to promote sound economics, savings and investments in the lives of others.  This year’s winner is:

Bernard Madoff

5.  The George Washington Cherry Tree Media Award-this award goes to the media outlet that shall have done the most to promote honesty and integrity in the publication of unbiased news.  This year’s winner is:

A TIE!

The New York Times

and

MSNBC

and finally, I want to thank the State Bar of Texas for honoring me with The Best Family Law Attorney Award.  Here is a short piece of the interview I gave shortly after receiving my award.

Presenter:  How does it feel Mr. Klasing to have won such an esteemed award?

Murphy:  I am surprised and humbled, but mostly surprised.

Presenter:  But why are you so surprised?

Murphy:  Well frankly, I don’t practice Family Law–I mean yeah, I’ve been in Family Court, um… I think once, but I am not a Family Attorney.

Presenter:  Well, the award is given to you this year because you have said the most about bringing about real change in the Family law system and you have inspired much hope among that section of the bar.

Murphy:  Really?  Odd.  I mean, sure I’m flattered, but I can’t think of what it is I have really actually done.  Sure I have said that the divorce rate is too high in America and that we need to do something to bring the family back together, but I mean…

Presenter:  See–there you go.

Murphy:  See what?  I mean, of course I will accept this award as a call to action to stop divorce and child custody battles and to do what I can to bring the family back together–but you have to understand, I’m a trial lawyer whose practice primarily centers around defending corporations and small companies, not dividing silver ware—not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Presenter:  Well I think you now know why you received this esteemed award and I want to thank you for your time today.  This is Randy Meier for MSNBC News Headlines.

Murphy:  Okay…whatever.

-Murphy

ACORN’s Guide To A Better America

September 16, 2009

Ah, ACORN–just the name brings forth images of life, rebirth, a new beginning, a game of war between neighborhood kids that nearly put each other’s eyes out by hurling the little rock-hard seeds at each other.  Oh the memories.

In that same spirit of hope, and change, and new life, here is an organization that went to the people and organized them and helped them see the craziness of voting for an elephant and instead voting for a Kanye West, er I mean a Democrat. 

So what is ACORN?  According to its website it is:  “the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, is the nation’s largest community organization of low- and moderate-income families, working together for social justice and stronger communities.”

They fight for things like health care for all citizens, raising the minimum wage, attacking “predatory” lenders who would seek to foreclose on loans, stopping lenders from “tricking” low-income people into signing up for loans with high interest rates (you can bet they spent the loan money though), “confronting the global economic crisis” and forcing communities to provide “affordable” housing so that all low-income families can “become homeowners.”

Despite being non-partisan–here is a short paragraph found on their website:

“Ever since right-wing conservatives got wind of ACORN’s record-setting voter registration drive, their attempts to discredit the work and create an atmosphere of chaos and intimidation have multiplied daily against the organization. Rather than compete for the votes of these new voters, they have resorted to lies and smears to distract voters from the serious issues facing the United States as Election Day draws near.  Now, ACORN is fighting back against the attacks, engineered by the McCain Campaign and the Republican National Committee.”

Funny–I didn’t know that conservatives were competing with a non-partisan organization with the angelic mission of simply registering poor voters.  I guess that ACORN assumes that all poor people are Democrats–which is odd when you consider that all of the Democrat-led entitlements have failed to pull them out of poverty.

So what is ACORN’s vision for America–well they haven’t yet published their annual reports for 2007 or 2008 but a look at the 2006 report reveals the following:

1.  NO MORE WAL-MART–this is hilarious really when you consider that the vast majority of people who shop at Wal-Mart are low-income families because of the tremendous price break they get there versus small boutique stores.  The Annual Report says:  “ACORN worked with the Wal-Mart Alliance for Reform Now (WARN) to stop the construction of Wal-Mart stores in Orlando, Sarasota, Plant City, and Temple Terrace, Fla. Also in Florida, the Orange County Commission enacted an ACORN–backed one-year moratorium barring big box retailers from building new stores in the county.”

2.  Every Neighborhood Gets A Grocery Store:  What???  See this:  ACORN obtained “a $5 million city subsidy for the building of a supermarket in a neglected Las Vegas, Nev., neighborhood.”

3.  Healthcare For All:  “ACORN continued our fight to win health care access for low and moderate income families. In San Francisco, ACORN was part of a successful coalition effort to pass an ordinance providing health care for every city resident. ACORN chapters in San Diego, Calif., and Columbus, Ohio, also helped eliminate over $700,000 in medical debt and over $1.2 million in liens for patients unfairly denied reduced cost “charity care” at local hospitals. Chicago ACORN worked with allies to stop a large hospital chain from closing an acute care hospital serving low-income city residents.”

4.  Free Pass for Illegal Immigrants:  “ACORN members joined the largest mass movement our country has seen in decades as we participated in immigrant rights marches around the nation to demand comprehensive federal immigration reform and a legal path to citizenship. These events helped block federal legislation making it a felony to aid undocumented immigrants or to be undocumented in the U.S., and set the stage for a renewed push for immigration reform in 2007.”

and of course, my favorite:

5.  Legalized Prostitution:

And you know–the ACORN does not fall far from the tree.

-Murphy

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance