So we have survived another “super” Tuesday. Hillary is now further behind but the remaining states–although not big ones–all are heavy Clinton States. West Virginia, Kentucky, Puerto Rico (is that a State?) South Dakota and others all have extremely low African American resident numbers which bodes well for Hillary. So she will stay in and continue to divide the party and the two of them can continue to bash each other. Thank you Rush Limbaugh for “Operation Kaos”–it seems to be working. But it appears that the messiah of change is set to be the next Democratic nominee–hold on to your wallets folks.
But, like you, I’m soooooooo very tired of the election. So let’s look at some other idiots in the news besides Obama and Hillary for a moment.
So..back to my beloved State of Texas. Charles Ray Fuller, a Fort Worth resident attempted to cash this check for $360 billion. Charles–no doubt a future murderer (after all–all great murderers have a middle name of Ray) explained that his girlfriend’s mother had loaned him the money to start a recording business. The bank was “suspicious” of the check. Ya think? He was charged with forgery as well as possession of marijuana and a concealed weapon. So he goes into a bank with a gun, some pot and a forged check for $360. I’m thinking the pot was left over from the hour or so before he went in. Idiot!
In Seattle, PETA is offering a $2000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the person(s) shooting pigeons with a blow gun. This one is a trooper though, depsite the piercing he continues to fly around dropping poop all over cars and sidewalks. Hey PETA–for your information, three human diseases are known to be associated with pigeon droppings: histoplasmosis, cryptococcosis, and psittacosis.
Well, what are those? Histoplasmosis is a fungus in the droppings that when breathed causes fever, headaches and fatigue. It can be very bad for people with compromised immune systems from cancer treatment or AIDS. Cryptococcosis is similar but mainly is a danger for HIV/AIDS patients because of compromised immune systems. Psittacosis is similar, much more rare–but can lead to pneumonia–and likely will since it is rarely diagnosed properly. So…maybe blow guns is not the answer–but I’ll give $2000 to the person that can “safely” drive them out of downtown Houston. Three years ago, on my way to Court, one hit my shoulder on my very nice blue suit. If I had been carrying a blow gun…
It only took a few days, but Al Gore has declared that the deadly Cyclone in Myanmar is a “consequence” of global warming. Nevermind that the coastal areas of Myanmar (formerly Burma) have a mean yearly temperature of 90 degrees. Nevermind that the coastal waters there are warm year round. Nevermind that Cyclones are caused in part by warm water and low pressure (which means cooler atmospheric temperatures–yes cooler) that collide to form the swirling winds. Nevermind that it lies in the monsoon region of South Asia which receives heavy rainfall every year. Nevermind that it rests between the Tropic of Cancer and the Equator where cyclones typically form. Nevermind that EVERY year cyclones cross the Indian Ocean between December and May. But I’m sure, Mr. Gore, that global warming is at fault.
Here are 10 other things caused by Global Warming:
1. My Inability To Excel In Sports. I simply get too hot and tired and therefore cannot produce the hits, runs, baskets, or touchdowns I might be able to if I was just a little cooler.
2. High Gas Prices. See if the ice caps weren’t melting then we wouldn’t all be paniced which is causing “BIG OIL” to screw us — oh and Bush too.
3. Demise of Our Moral Culture. See if it was cooler, then 12-16 year old girls wouldn’t be able to wear short shorts and drooping necklines because it wouldn’t be justified. But since they are so dadgum hot all the time, they have to dress like Las Vegas call girls.
4. McCain Loosing in the Fall. Rich eltist racist republicans won’t go out in the heat and come November it will still be hot in most states because of the .000001 degree rise in temperature this year.
5. Rockets Basketball Loosing to Utah in the First Round. The Rockets would have obviously won had they not had to play games this time of year with the heat and humidity caused by El Nino or something.
6. The Subprime Mortgage Crisis. Had the temperature remained cooler, people would have been more comfortable and therefore would have taken their time and read the ridiculous loan packages they were signing. Then “cooler heads” would have prevailed and they would not have entered into ARM mortgages that ballooned in interest in 5 years causing massive foreclosures.
7. The Split in the Democratic Party. But for global warming, democrats wouldn’t be whipped into a racial/gender frenzy and would have obviously voted for Hillary and put her in her rightful place on the throne.
8. Obesity-(truly)–see prior post.
9. Surge in Fatal Shark Attacks. Really?–See article.
Yeesh–its worse than I thought.
and finally the last thing that has been affected by Global Warming…
10. Dramatic Decrease in Woodlice. See article. It’s sad but true. The beloved Wood Lice are dying in Ireland and Great Britain due to global warming. These lovable little creatures may soon be gone forever:
Of course, I’m sure that advances in pesticides (many of which market themselves as being able to kill wood lice) have nothing to do with the decreased number of these animals. No, its your SUV you selfish son of a gun that is killing these poor creatures.
If I wake up in a world with decreased wood lice and sharks coming through the roof of my nearly foreclosed on subprime mortgaged home, then why should I even get out of bed?
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