Archive for the ‘1’ category

James Cameron-Latest Helper Turned Away By BP

June 4, 2010

Well it seems that BP just won’t allow anyone to help them with this oil spill.  Today, James Cameron’s offer to assist with the problem was turned down by BP.  “Those morons don’t know what they are doing,” says Cameron in response to BP’s reluctance to allow him to “dive into” the problem. 

BP must really be short-sighted here.  After all, Mr. Cameron directed Titanic and…he went down in a submarine and actually saw the Titanic.  He actually worked with robot submarines in filming sequences of Titanic and Avatar.  So what is BP’s problem?  Obviously he is qualified to help.

Our newly re-employed sources here at MKCB have uncovered a host of other offers of assistance that have been turned down and we intend to expose them.  It is about time the world knew what other equally helpful offers have been recklessly turned down.

1. KRAMERICA Industries Oil Bladder Idea

Kramer had this great idea for an oil bladder that would hold oil.  He tested it out at a rubber ball company.  BP again took a pass.

2.  Rosie’s Quicker Picker Upper

Rosie has been looking for the ultimate spill to retire on and she has just the answer.  Again, however, the morons at BP “graciously said ‘no.'”

3.  Surf It Up…Dude.

The writers of “surfer” magazine offered to come out and see if they could “surf it” into a big pile for Rosie.  They explained that the ocean is “rad” and they “totally get it.”  Again, BP simply smiled and went about their own hapless efforts.

4.  “I’ll Fix It!”

Finally, our own President Obama has stated that it is his job to fix the oil spill.  He repeatedly states that it is his responsibility, assuring all of us that BP is not doing anything unless it is at HIS direction.  No word from BP yet on allowing BO to step in and cap that thing…

In light of him “fixing” GM, the economy, health care and soon Wall Street, let’s all hope they graciously tell him “no” as well.

-Murphy

Ford to Abandon the Mercury Line: Other Products That Must Go!

June 3, 2010
 

It was announced today that Ford will discontinue the Mercury line of cars.  This is extremely sad news for me personally as many of my childhood memories center around Mercury vehicles.  No…”childhood memories” not “teenage memories.”  Jeez get your minds out of the gutter.Anyway–growing up in the thriving metropolis of El Campo, Texas, my parents owned Mercury vehicles until I was in the 6th or 7th grade.  Remember this beauty?

Love those flip up lights!  Sadly though, this product-an icon of our existence will soon be a memory.  And why?  Of course it has something to do with Bush, but that was today’s earlier post.  I think product manufacturers across the Country should take a good look at products out today and consider eliminating a few more.  Here is my list of products that probably need to go in no particular order…

1. Anatomically Correct Baby Dolls

“Realistic Folds and creases???”  And…it’s a boy!  This is simply creepy.  Is it imporant that a 5 year old play with a baby doll that is anatomically correct?  I don’t even want to meet the person that is purchasing this thing.

2.  Peek A Boo Dress and Harness in One

 

I am terrified of this product.  If I saw this walking towards me I am certain I would turn, run and scream like a girl.  If you have bought one of these, please unfriend me from Facebook right now.

3. President Obama Chia Pet

 Chia Obama

um…no.

4.  The Underwear Repair Kit

Okay, I know we are in a recession but a pack of 6 Hanes at Target is like $6.99.  If you are a man and you are buying this and using it–then really are you a man?

5.  The Duo Toilet

Okay, I’m sorry, I’ve been married 17 years and I still lock the door when I’m in the restroom.  The last thing I’d want to do is face someone else and have a conversation.  What kind of sickness must overtake an inventor to come up with an idea like this?

There are so many more that should go before the beloved Mercury, but alas, Ford is the one American car company that isn’t run by the Government so my guess is that they know what is best.  Now if we could just get Pepsi to cancel all of its soft drink products and eliminate Beets from the face of the Earth–then we would have it made.

-Murphy

ACORN’s Guide To A Better America

September 16, 2009

Ah, ACORN–just the name brings forth images of life, rebirth, a new beginning, a game of war between neighborhood kids that nearly put each other’s eyes out by hurling the little rock-hard seeds at each other.  Oh the memories.

In that same spirit of hope, and change, and new life, here is an organization that went to the people and organized them and helped them see the craziness of voting for an elephant and instead voting for a Kanye West, er I mean a Democrat. 

So what is ACORN?  According to its website it is:  “the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, is the nation’s largest community organization of low- and moderate-income families, working together for social justice and stronger communities.”

They fight for things like health care for all citizens, raising the minimum wage, attacking “predatory” lenders who would seek to foreclose on loans, stopping lenders from “tricking” low-income people into signing up for loans with high interest rates (you can bet they spent the loan money though), “confronting the global economic crisis” and forcing communities to provide “affordable” housing so that all low-income families can “become homeowners.”

Despite being non-partisan–here is a short paragraph found on their website:

“Ever since right-wing conservatives got wind of ACORN’s record-setting voter registration drive, their attempts to discredit the work and create an atmosphere of chaos and intimidation have multiplied daily against the organization. Rather than compete for the votes of these new voters, they have resorted to lies and smears to distract voters from the serious issues facing the United States as Election Day draws near.  Now, ACORN is fighting back against the attacks, engineered by the McCain Campaign and the Republican National Committee.”

Funny–I didn’t know that conservatives were competing with a non-partisan organization with the angelic mission of simply registering poor voters.  I guess that ACORN assumes that all poor people are Democrats–which is odd when you consider that all of the Democrat-led entitlements have failed to pull them out of poverty.

So what is ACORN’s vision for America–well they haven’t yet published their annual reports for 2007 or 2008 but a look at the 2006 report reveals the following:

1.  NO MORE WAL-MART–this is hilarious really when you consider that the vast majority of people who shop at Wal-Mart are low-income families because of the tremendous price break they get there versus small boutique stores.  The Annual Report says:  “ACORN worked with the Wal-Mart Alliance for Reform Now (WARN) to stop the construction of Wal-Mart stores in Orlando, Sarasota, Plant City, and Temple Terrace, Fla. Also in Florida, the Orange County Commission enacted an ACORN–backed one-year moratorium barring big box retailers from building new stores in the county.”

2.  Every Neighborhood Gets A Grocery Store:  What???  See this:  ACORN obtained “a $5 million city subsidy for the building of a supermarket in a neglected Las Vegas, Nev., neighborhood.”

3.  Healthcare For All:  “ACORN continued our fight to win health care access for low and moderate income families. In San Francisco, ACORN was part of a successful coalition effort to pass an ordinance providing health care for every city resident. ACORN chapters in San Diego, Calif., and Columbus, Ohio, also helped eliminate over $700,000 in medical debt and over $1.2 million in liens for patients unfairly denied reduced cost “charity care” at local hospitals. Chicago ACORN worked with allies to stop a large hospital chain from closing an acute care hospital serving low-income city residents.”

4.  Free Pass for Illegal Immigrants:  “ACORN members joined the largest mass movement our country has seen in decades as we participated in immigrant rights marches around the nation to demand comprehensive federal immigration reform and a legal path to citizenship. These events helped block federal legislation making it a felony to aid undocumented immigrants or to be undocumented in the U.S., and set the stage for a renewed push for immigration reform in 2007.”

and of course, my favorite:

5.  Legalized Prostitution:

And you know–the ACORN does not fall far from the tree.

-Murphy

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

Thanksgiving Post: What Am I Thankful For?

November 25, 2008

In a year that has gone south in many ways for me (economics, market, election, Texas/Texas Tech game, turning 40, hairline) there are so many things to be thankful for.  Thanksgiving should be a time to reflect on such things leading up to the “big one” on December 25–the day that matters most.  So I thought I would let you know what I am thankful for- in a time where many people are not giving thanks.  So, in no particular order:

I.  AMERICA

I am thankful I live in the United States of America, which, as of today, is still the “land of the free” and the “home of the brave.”  I am thankful that since 9/11/01 there have been no terrorist attacks on our shores.  I am thankful that our airports, planes and buildings have remained safe in the last 7 years.   I am thankful for our troops.

They continue to work tirelessly to protect our freedom and to protect the citizens of Iraq from attacks.  They are true heroes and I am so thankful for them.  I am thankful for our President.  Yes, I know the polls and the pundits suggest that I shouldn’t be, but I am.  President Bush has worked hard to keep my children safe and has worked in an environment filled with the most vile, nasty, and undeserved attacks from members of the Democrat Party, yet, he has never failed to get up each day and do his best for our Nation.  I have not always agreed with him, but I am so very thankful for him and the job he has done.  So–Thank you Mr. President–you do a job that most Americans cannot and would not (hmmm..maybe an illegal immigrant should run for office–but I digress)

II.  FAMILY

No, I am not related to John Patterson.  Unlike this guy, I am very thankful for my family.  My wife, 3 kids, parents, in-laws, sister, nieces and nephews.  Although all families are imperfect, I am thankful that mine is perfectly normal and that so far, they have not decided to leave me.   I am thankful that my kids are healthy and do well in school and seem to be wary of morality and ethics.  I am thankful that my wife works tirelessly to make sure they are taught right and wrong and are well taken care of.  I am thankful that my parents and in-laws are still here and healthy and enjoy spending time with us.

III.   MISCELLAENOUS

A.  Dark Chocolate

Duh!  There is no greater sweetness.

B.  Colt McCoy

Yes, the entire Texas Longhorn team is great this year, but without McCoy, the team would certainly be in a different position in the polls and the National Title Race.  So I am thankful for him.

C.  The Gas Conspiracy

You know—either the Bush conspiracy–that Bush drove up the prices from his Oval Office Supercomputer to help his buddies at Big Oil, OR–the Obama conspiracy–that the Middle East drove up the prices to make the Country believe in the Bush conspiracy so that voters would chose Obama only to have the prices fall just after the election.  Well whichever fantasy you think is correct–the outcome is the same.  I am thankful that my Camry now costs $26 to fill up instead of $60 and that my Suburban costs $48 instead of $100.

D.  Hillary Clinton

I know, you are shocked that I would list her on my “thankful” list.  But I am thankful that she has been taken out of the Senate.  No longer will I have to listen to her pontificate about health care or some other socialist agenda item on C-Span.  Now she will be going to the Middle East to “impress” the Saudi’s–ha that is really funny.  For that I am thankful.

IV.  GOD

Finally, and primarily, I am thankful to God.  Thankful to Him for all of the above and so much more.  Thankful that His hand has not left my family or our Country.  Thankful that He continues to bless my life and the lives of those in my family and circle of friends.  Thankful that all of our needs continue to be provided.  Thankful that regardless of elections, stock markets, gas prices or National Championships, He remains faithful and constant.

God Bless you, your family, your job, your finances and your health.  And I wish you all–yes even you silly Democrats who get on here and call me names–even you guys—I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving.

-Murphy

100,000 Thanks To Everyone!

October 9, 2008

I can’t believe it!  100,000 times someone actually came onto this blog and at least checked it out.  And this isn’t even a porn site!  Some of you commented and we had a lively discussion, others said things that frankly were incomprehensible, some of you called me names and told me I was a right-wing nut, racist, fool, idiot, stupid person and wack job.  Some of you are friends and check this out because you are simply kind and some of you are as conservative as I am and come here on your way to numerous other (and better) conservative blogs.

I want to thank each and every one of you for coming.  I know my views are right of Reagan.  I know that Rush Limbaugh seems slightly liberal compared to my views–but one thing is certain–I believe that Americans are smart enough and great enough to govern themselves in most aspects of life.  Sure we individually cannot defend our Nation or create Highways and Bridges or conduct law enforcement.  And these are vital aspects of our Government.  But we do not need the unbelieveable intrusion in our lives that Government has become.

My goal here is simple–talk about relevant news items and other trends in our society by pointing out the ridiculousness of them in an exaggerated way.  Hopefully, regardless of your political affiliation you have at least gotten a couple of chuckles out of this place.

Despite the large break I took this summer–I vow to continue the good fight for conservatism and continue to defend all forms of freedom and equality and most importantly to defend the actual meaning and words of our Constitution.

Please continue to join me in this journey.

-Murphy

Texas vs. Arkansas–The Game of The Century

September 24, 2008

Well I must admit that I love University of Texas football even more than finding new and improved ways of making fun of Democrats.  This weekend the matchup between these two Southwest Conference Rivals will finally take place.  Originally scheduled during Hurricane Ike, the Razorbacks will travel to Austin to face their old rival.  This game should be a blowout for Texas, who is riding a three game string of blowouts on Colt McCoy’s incredibly efficient passing game.  He has thrown 11 touchdowns and only 1 interception through 3 games against teams that were certainly unevenly matched.

This game unfortunately will not be close to the greatest game between these two teams of all time–the 1969 “Game of the Century.”  For true Longhorn fans–take a look:

Is the clarinet player actually crying?  Probably because most of the Texas Fight songs don’t really feature the clarinet.  Or maybe because she had a bet on Arkansas.  Either way–ABC choosing to focus on the emotional band player shows that programing has not really changed much in 39 years.

From Wikipedia:

“President Richard Nixon attended the game along with several members of his staff and U.S. Representatives George H.W. Bush of Texas and John Paul Hammerschmidt of Arkansas, having announced that he would give a plaque to the winner, proclaiming it to be the National Champion — to the chagrin of observers who thought it premature to do so before the New Year’s Day bowl games, and of fans of Penn State, which would also end the season undefeated. Texas came from behind to win, 15-14, and accepted Nixon’s plaque. Texas beat Notre Dame in the Cotton Bowl, and removed any doubt as to whether it deserved consideration as National Champion, although Penn State fans still insist that their team, also undefeated and winner of the Orange Bowl, was better. However, it is worth noting that the Cotton Bowl first invited Penn State to play the Southwest Conference champions. The Nittany Lions declined the invitation, preferring to spend New Year’s Day in warm Miami, where they defeated Big 8 champion Missouri. The 1969 Texas-Penn State conflict, never settled on the field, has been one of the major arguments in favor of a Division I-A playoff. Arkansas lost the Sugar Bowl to Archie Manning-led Ole Miss (ironically, Arkansas ended up joining the SEC in 1992). The entire Texas-Penn State debate and Nixon’s involvement led to a quote from Penn State coach Joe Paterno, a conservative Republican, during a commencement speech at Penn State in 1974 about Nixon, “How could Nixon know so much about college football in 1969 and so little about Watergate in 1973?””

“This game has been nicknamed “Dixie’s Last Stand,” since it was the last major American sporting event played between two all-white teams, although two schools in the Southeastern Conference (SEC), LSU and Ole Miss, did not integrate their varsity football squads until 1972.”

But my favorite “fact” from the game is:

“With the Vietnam War still raging and Nixon in attendance, protestors came to the game, and one of them got into a tree overlooking the stadium and held up an antiwar sign. An urban legend grew up around this game, claiming that this protestor was Arkansas native and future President Bill Clinton. Clinton, however, was not at the game, as he was then a Rhodes Scholar at the University of Oxford in England, and was listening to the game on a shortwave radio with some American friends.”

It would have been awesome though if he really was at the game with an anti-war sign–my sources say that in fact it was John Kerry that was there protesting, fresh from throwing his medals over the fence at the White House…but I digress.

It is important to note however, that Mack Brown’s success against the Hogs has been, well, limited. 

January 1, 2000:  Cotton Bowl:  14th Ranked Texas vs. 24th Ranked Arkansas:  Texas favored to win by 6, RESULT?  Arkansas 27  Texas 6

September 13, 2003:  UT Stadium:  6th Ranked Texas vs. Unranked Arkansas:  Texas favored to win by 13, RESULT?  Arkansas 38  Texas 28

September 11, 2004:  Razorback Stadium:  7th Ranked Texas vs. Unranked Arkansas:  Texas favored to win by 11, RESULT?  Texas 22 Arkansas 20.

YIKES!

But how can we really be scared?  Arkansas has shown little ability to win this year and after all check out this tradition–quoted directly from their athletic department website:

“The words to the Hog call are simple:

 “Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooie!

“Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooie!

“Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooie! Razorbacks!”

          But correctly calling the Hogs takes some practice. It starts with both hands raised high into the air, fingers waving as the volume increases during the word Woooooooooo. The arms pump down on the word Pig and then back into the air on the word Sooie. Give it a try.”

“Give it a try???”  I think not.

Here it is in case YOU want to “give it a try:”

HOG CALL

Seriously?

If you go to the game this week, I think you will see a UT victory.  I predict UT 35, Arkansas 17.  Just pray you don’t run in to this guy:

I’m a pretty serious fan, but there is serious, and then there is unstable.

-Murphy

Sarah Palin is a Major Hit-But No Community Organizing Experience

September 4, 2008

I must admit, I was very skeptical of John McCain’s choice for VP last week.  Skeptical because frankly I knew very little about Ms. Palin.  I did not know about her popularity in Alaska, or her children or her husband or her roots, her beliefs, her intelligence, her patriotism or her conservatism.  In recent days I have read numerous articles about Ms. Palin–some are neutral pieces about who she is, many were hit pieces about her daughter and her husband’s DWI when Regan was in office and her alleged “scandal” involving the firing of a government employee.  What I had determined before last night is that she is a tough, no-nonsense person struggling to live in a broken world while maintaining her own integrity, morals and convictions.  She is likeable, smart and accomplished.  But…could she ever be ready to lead a Country from an office where she is literally a heartbeat away from the Presidency?

If you missed it–here is a clip of 9 minutes of highlights from her amazing speech:

She was nothing short of awesome.  I think my favorite part of the speech was comparing her mayoral experience to that of a community organizer.  Here is the quote:

“I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.”

For an EXCELLENT review of Obama’s “community organizer” roots, I highly recommend you read an article from the blog: THE CONFLUENCE.  Frankly–it is scary to see the methods he used to bring “hope” and “change.”
Here is one of his community development housing projects today:

Lovely.

His only “real” accomplishment on the South side of Chicago is forcing the government to test for asbestos.  And for that he should be congratulated.  But as for transforming the south side of Chicago with affordable housing and jobs–he gets an “F.”

Look here:

What a beautiful playground for the children to use.  See them sliding down the pretty slide and singing and playing?  You don’t–well put on the glasses of hope and change and see if it comes into view then.

You would think that the citizens of this community would vote McCain after seeing that Obama took campaign contributions from Tony Rezko while Rezko was allowing citizens in Obama’s district to live in squallor and not pay their electricity bills or heating bills.  But alas, they appear to be lining up to praise and support a man who simply has no ability to lead and no actual vision for the future.

As Gov. Palin said–Obama is a man who uses “change” to further his career, McCain is a man who uses his career to bring about “change.”  The choice is clear.

-Murphy

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

The History of “Republicans” Destroying our Social Security!

August 19, 2008

Another election year–another round of candidates talking about how they are going to “fix” social security.  Once again, we hear from Obama and his party that the Republicans are at fault for the various ills plaguing our beloved retirement plan.  (I got my statement recently and it shows that I’ll make just enough to pay my current house note when I’m 70–I can’t wait to roll in that dough)

A friend of mine sent me an email that details the history of social security.  I checked out the facts and decided that it would be beneficial for you to know the truth about what has happened to this system.  Let’s step into our time machine and take a look back at the history of this amazingly inefficient government agency and program:  (imagine dream sequence animation here)

 

1935:  DEMOCRAT President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs the Social Security Act into law.  President Roosevelt first promised that the system would be voluntary.  Of course, assuming that the American public would not do what HE knew was best for them, it was passed as a payroll tax and later made part of the IRS code.  Originally, participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1400 they made.  The money would be deductible from income taxes.  The money was to be placed into a special trust fund so that it would never become part of the General Budget and the annuity payments to retirees was not supposed to be taxed.  Sounds good–and even sounds like it would not be too onerous of a system to implement and receive.  It is a system of “forced” savings–but small enough not to overburden the government or our society.

THEN things changed.  Long gone are the days where the public championed this sytem.  Like Ida Mae Fuller–the first recipient of a death benefit under the system in 1939.

Ida May Fuller, the first recipient

In 1956, a democratically controlled congress raised the tax rate from 1% to 2% (2 for employer as well) and almost all other trades were included in the range of people that could receive benefits.

Then, in 1965, Lyndon Johnson, a DEMOCRAT President, added Medicare to the the program and moved the funds from the Trust Fund and placed them in the General Budget under the “theory” that Congress would be able to add more money to the fund instead of spend it.  HA HA HA HA HA HA

During the Carter administration (another DEMOCRAT)-we had the worst inflation and unemployment since the Great Depression–the result was a tremendous budget problem in Congress–which continued to pull money from the general fund to pay for social programs–Social Security, for all intensive purposes was raided out of existence and now is simply a line item in the Budget–but there is no “fund.”

Then Al Gore cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate to start taxing Social Security annuities for the first time.  Since that vote-no one has done anything to fix the program or allow workers to chose between the program and private choice investment.

Obama though has an idea for “change”–he proposes removing the cap for social security wages–so that you have to pay on all of your income and increasing taxes on those who make over $250,000.  Wow–what a novel idea–Since the 1930’s the only real “change” to Social Security other than moving it into the General Budget–is numerous tax increases to pay for it.

Does that sound like change to you?

“A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”  Thomas Jefferson–3rd President–and a Democrat

-Murphy

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

The Romantics and My Favorite Song Ever!

May 28, 2008

As a quick side note to the “normal” format of this blog—3 people asked me today what my favorite song is and of course it is “What I Like About You” by the Romantics.  It is the best song ever.  Don’t come in here with your Led Zepplin or your Beatles or your Carpenters or your Rick Astley–The Romantics are IT!

Enjoy:

Okay, so maybe the hair styles are a little too rad for ya, but the song is tripindicular dude!

-Murphy

Obama’s Uncle and 10 Other Amazing Stories

May 28, 2008

Yesterday Obama told a group of people that his uncle helped liberate Jews from the Auschwitz camp in Germany.

From a website detailing the history of the liberation of this hellish place:

“In mid-January 1945, as Soviet forces approached the Auschwitz camp complex, the SS began evacuating Auschwitz and its satellite camps. Nearly 60,000 prisoners were forced to march west from the Auschwitz camp system. Thousands had been killed in the camps in the days before these death marches began. Tens of thousands of prisoners, mostly Jews, were forced to march to the city of Wodzislaw in the western part of Upper Silesia. SS guards shot anyone who fell behind or could not continue. Prisoners also suffered from the cold weather, starvation, and exposure on these marches. More than 15,000 died during the death marches from Auschwitz. On January 27, 1945, the Soviet army entered Auschwitz and liberated more than 7,000 remaining prisoners, who were mostly ill and dying. It is estimated that at minimum 1.3 million people were deported to Auschwitz between 1940 and 1945; of these, at least 1.1 million were murdered.”

So I suppose Obama’s uncle was a member of the Soviet Army-I’m not sure which is more disturbing the truth or the lie.  I know, I know, all of you Obamaites that get on this site and call me names will get on and say we should give him a break–he made a simple mistake.  Yet on the same day that this happened, Hillary was slaughtered in the press simply for mentioning the assasination of Robert Kennedy–that was all she did, mention that it happened in June.  I should give him a break though, just like Democrats always give Bush a break for making a verbal mistake.

I sent a team of Conservative investigators looking for other unknown facts about Obama’s family so we could find out about all of them now.  Here is what they came up with:

1.  Obama’s Grandmother Once Had a House Maid that was Not White

-It’s true, although his grandmother was “scared of black people,”  we will find out soon enough that she was actually very racially sensitive because she often employed minorities to work in her home.  What an American.

2.  Obama’s Second Cousin Helped Stage Nasa’s Fake Moon Landing

We all know that NASA, a corrupt government agency funded primarily by Republican legislation, Halliburton and Big Oil, never really landed on the moon.  Luckily for us Obama has a second cousin that can testify about this National atrocity.

3.  Obama’s Mother’s Grandmother’s Best Friend’s Uncle’s StepSon was The Third Cousin To James Bowie

Well, thank God for this piece of Obama history.  After all, Mr. Bowie, sick in his bed in the Alamo, nevertheless fended off numerous Mexicans during the Alamo’s last stand thereby buying time for Sam Houston to gather his troops and ultimately beat Mexico in the Battle of San Jacinto–or something like that.  Of course, this is a win-win for Obama.  He has a connection not only to winning the war with Mexico but also, the illegal immigrants who crossed the border ultimately killed Mr. Bowie so they had some partial victory as well.  Ahh, the balance of it all.

4.  Obama’s First Girlfriend’s Mom’s Dad Invented the Baseball Cup

Boys all over the world are forever grateful for this future-child-bearing-saving device.  Yes the plastic groin cup.  Because of Obama’s connection to this invention, America’s favorite pastime is much safer and baseball players continue to speak in low voice tones.

5.  Obama’s Great Uncle’s Second Wife Was the First Victim of the 80’s Tylenol Cyanide

Tragically, Obama has a connection to the cyanide Tylenol incident.  But thankfully, that first victim, that first American Hero who perished in this horrible event, brought to light the problem and saved countless lives, millions even.  Thank you once again Obama–we owe you our lives.

6.  Obama’s StepFather’s Aunt’s Son’s Best Friend in Third Grade Actually Wrote “Piano Man.”

I must admit, this one upsets me.  I’m a huge Billy Joel fan and the thought that arguably his most famous work was written by a relative of Obama, well frankly it makes me sick.  Sorry, I can’t talk about this one any further.

7.  Obama’s Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather’s Grandfather’s Uncle wrote Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address

Little known fact about Lincoln is that he was the first President to employ a speech-writer.  That dadgum candlelight in the cabin in Nebraska just destroyed his eyes and he simply couldn’t see the paper well enough.  Thankfully and Obama ancestor was there to once again save the day and write the most famous Presidential speech in History.  What a debt of gratitude we owe this man and his family.

8.  Obama’s Daughter Found the End of Pi

It’s true–while sitting in the pew of Trinity Church, Obama’s daughter realizing that listening to Rev. Wright was a bigger waste of time than watching the Food Network, she began determining the full value of pi.  She started with a simple 3.14 and each Sunday kept working on it until she found the end.  Amazing.  Rumor has it she is currently working on mapping the genetic DNA of a T-Rex fossil in an attempt to create a real Jurassic Park.

9.  Obama is Related to Ghandi-’nuff said.

10.  And Finally…Obama’s Father’s Mother’s Brother’s late Uncle’s Daughter’s Co-worker Flew to America and met a Woman who was the Daughter of a Man whose Third Cousin’s Wife’s Stepson was John Wayne

Although an outspoken Republican, John Wayne’s connection to Obama once and for all proves with 100% certainty one important truth:  Obama is the man to unite this Country.  When you add this fact to the other 9 and consider that his mom’s ancestors actually owned slaves, he is truly the most well-rounded man in American History.  How can we not vote for this man?  In fact, we should just appoint him President, give him all of our possessions and bow down to him 3 times a day–we are wasting time with all of this “election” nonsense.

-Murphy

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

PS:  This is Satire.  This disclaimer is for all of you Obama-freaks that are automatically offended by such silliness.