Archive for June 2010

James Cameron-Latest Helper Turned Away By BP

June 4, 2010

Well it seems that BP just won’t allow anyone to help them with this oil spill.  Today, James Cameron’s offer to assist with the problem was turned down by BP.  “Those morons don’t know what they are doing,” says Cameron in response to BP’s reluctance to allow him to “dive into” the problem. 

BP must really be short-sighted here.  After all, Mr. Cameron directed Titanic and…he went down in a submarine and actually saw the Titanic.  He actually worked with robot submarines in filming sequences of Titanic and Avatar.  So what is BP’s problem?  Obviously he is qualified to help.

Our newly re-employed sources here at MKCB have uncovered a host of other offers of assistance that have been turned down and we intend to expose them.  It is about time the world knew what other equally helpful offers have been recklessly turned down.

1. KRAMERICA Industries Oil Bladder Idea

Kramer had this great idea for an oil bladder that would hold oil.  He tested it out at a rubber ball company.  BP again took a pass.

2.  Rosie’s Quicker Picker Upper

Rosie has been looking for the ultimate spill to retire on and she has just the answer.  Again, however, the morons at BP “graciously said ‘no.'”

3.  Surf It Up…Dude.

The writers of “surfer” magazine offered to come out and see if they could “surf it” into a big pile for Rosie.  They explained that the ocean is “rad” and they “totally get it.”  Again, BP simply smiled and went about their own hapless efforts.

4.  “I’ll Fix It!”

Finally, our own President Obama has stated that it is his job to fix the oil spill.  He repeatedly states that it is his responsibility, assuring all of us that BP is not doing anything unless it is at HIS direction.  No word from BP yet on allowing BO to step in and cap that thing…

In light of him “fixing” GM, the economy, health care and soon Wall Street, let’s all hope they graciously tell him “no” as well.

-Murphy

Ford to Abandon the Mercury Line: Other Products That Must Go!

June 3, 2010
 

It was announced today that Ford will discontinue the Mercury line of cars.  This is extremely sad news for me personally as many of my childhood memories center around Mercury vehicles.  No…”childhood memories” not “teenage memories.”  Jeez get your minds out of the gutter.Anyway–growing up in the thriving metropolis of El Campo, Texas, my parents owned Mercury vehicles until I was in the 6th or 7th grade.  Remember this beauty?

Love those flip up lights!  Sadly though, this product-an icon of our existence will soon be a memory.  And why?  Of course it has something to do with Bush, but that was today’s earlier post.  I think product manufacturers across the Country should take a good look at products out today and consider eliminating a few more.  Here is my list of products that probably need to go in no particular order…

1. Anatomically Correct Baby Dolls

“Realistic Folds and creases???”  And…it’s a boy!  This is simply creepy.  Is it imporant that a 5 year old play with a baby doll that is anatomically correct?  I don’t even want to meet the person that is purchasing this thing.

2.  Peek A Boo Dress and Harness in One

 

I am terrified of this product.  If I saw this walking towards me I am certain I would turn, run and scream like a girl.  If you have bought one of these, please unfriend me from Facebook right now.

3. President Obama Chia Pet

 Chia Obama

um…no.

4.  The Underwear Repair Kit

Okay, I know we are in a recession but a pack of 6 Hanes at Target is like $6.99.  If you are a man and you are buying this and using it–then really are you a man?

5.  The Duo Toilet

Okay, I’m sorry, I’ve been married 17 years and I still lock the door when I’m in the restroom.  The last thing I’d want to do is face someone else and have a conversation.  What kind of sickness must overtake an inventor to come up with an idea like this?

There are so many more that should go before the beloved Mercury, but alas, Ford is the one American car company that isn’t run by the Government so my guess is that they know what is best.  Now if we could just get Pepsi to cancel all of its soft drink products and eliminate Beets from the face of the Earth–then we would have it made.

-Murphy

The Gore’s Breakup: It’s Bush’s Fault!

June 2, 2010

After a 6 month leave of absence from blogging, it is time to jump back in.  After some involvement in the Tea Party movement and a few speaking engagments I felt it was time to get back political swing of things.  Work and life are hectic, but I cannot stay silent any longer.  So like it or not, I’m baaaaaaack!  🙂

It was the kiss that grossed out a Nation!  And yet, 40 years after saying “I do” the global warming couple is calling it quits–with little explanation.  They said it is mutual–which means they both agree on it–which doesn’t tell us anything.  What could be the explanation for a split of this magnitude.

Could it be that Tipper can no longer live with a man who has made millions of dollars on a lie?  No, she has been doing that ever since then Senator AL Gore said he was “pro-life.”

Could it be that Tipper is jealous of Al’s unnatural attraction to Leo?

Maybe she is mad that Al’s proposed Four Dollar bill never took off.

No, I think if you look deep enough, deeper that TMZ would look you’ll find the real root of this marriage break-up.

Of course, I’m talking about George W. Bush.

After all, we have come to learn in the last 2 years that George W. Bush is the center of most of our trouble here in America.  Remember, he stole the election from Al Gore and robbed Tipper of her chance to pick out the 44th china pattern at the White House.  That probably made her pretty mad.   In all seriousness, the evidence is unmistakable.

Here are the other things that have happened already this year that are easily attributable to George W. Bush:

BP Oil Spill-after Bush left office he had to do something with the giant Halliburton Hurricane machine that caused Hurricanes to hit poor black neighborhoods in New Orleans.  So he moved it to a hidden location on a BP platform in the Gulf.  Then, you guessed it, some idiot accidentally turned it on and it set the whole thing on fire.

Health Care Reform-only to the extent it is a bad thing is it really his fault–so yeah, the whole thing is his fault.  See, if he hadn’t been spending so much time at the Crawford Ranch cutting down helpless trees, he would have realized that our health care system is the envy of the world–which makes the world hate us–which is why we were attacked on 9/11 in the first place—while he was in office.

Gold Prices-Again, they are so high right now that no one in the poorer communities in our Nation can afford to buy any–which is patently unfair.  The prices are so high because while he was in office he obviously gathered most of it up and took it because he is a rich Republican.

Rubba Bandz

These are clearly his fault.  This cheap toy craze has kids not paying attention in school and fighting each other over “rare” shapes and colors.  None of this would be happening if George W. Bush hadn’t let the economy fall apart leaving children little choice but to entertain themselves with rubber bands shapped liked animals and musical instruments.

-It just goes on and on.  So consider this post a public service annoucement–quit wasting your time at work searching the Internet to find scoop on the Gore split.  First of all, since Al invented the Internet–he is good at hiding stuff in it.  Second–we all know it is GW’s fault so get back to work.

-Murphy

***UPDATE: Shortly after posting this, it was brought to my attention that the CBS Evening News made a similar accusation (although without any attempt to be humorous) last night.  I could not believe it so I watched the video online–sure enough the report states that losing the election “despite winning the popular vote” did irreparable damage to their marriage.  I would post the link but I dont’ want to give that joke of a news site any traffic.  I guess my prediction was right.  🙂 ***