Archive for April 2009

Swine Flu Alert: Biden Scared, Michelle Devasated

April 30, 2009

In what can only be described as panic and fear, our Vice-President has issued a stern warning.  “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now.”  Except of course the confined space of Delaware.  Biden’s remarks on the Today show have some people freaked out.  We have decided to ask some Americans that actually listen to what Biden has to say with any sense that it means something so we could determine the effect of his words.

It has been hard to find someone that fits that level of say…intelligence, but we have located one upstate New Yorker that was willing to talk to us:

“We are here with Clifford Butane a resident of New York who is quite concerned about the swine flu and VP Biden’s comments”

Clifford:  “I’m so happy to talk to you about this–man I’m freaked out!”

Q:  “Well Clifford..”

Clifford:  “You can call me ‘Spark.'”

Q:  “Umm..okay, so Spark, what have you done in response to VP Biden’s remarks?”

Spark:  “Well first I really took it to my heart what he said about closed spaces so I have raised the roof if you know what I mean.”

Q:  “I don’t know what you mean.”

Spark:  “I mean I raised it–duh–look over there”

Q:  “Oh, you literally took the roof off your house?”

Spark:  “No, I didn’t write a book about it, I took the roof off so that my space would no longer be enclosed.”

Q:  “Okay, well, that is interesting.  What else have you done to prepare?”

Spark:  “I threw away all my bacon and sausage that I was storing up to eat cuz’ I was scared it might be infected.”

Q:  “Didn’t your hear that you can’t catch the swine flu from pork products?”

Spark:  “Sure, but I suppose you believe you can’t catch Asian flu from orientals neither.”

Q:  “Well, of course you can’t-that is ridiculous.”

Spark:  “Tell that to all the people in Asia with the flu.”

(awkward silence)

Q:  “Anything else you are doing to heed his warning?”

Spark:  “Yes, I am never again eating at Subway’s”

Q: “Why not?”

Spark:  “Because our VP–who I trust–said that he wouldn’t even let his family go into a Subway’s.  That’s good enough for me.”

Q:  “Thank you for your time sir.”

Spark:  “No problem–‘live long and prosper’ my friend.”

So there you have it–the public reacts to Joe Biden…

On another front, Michelle Obama is simply beside herself trying to figure out what to do about this terrible outbreak.  Unfortunately most surgical masks only come in white or that hospital greenish color.

Michelle was quoted as saying “What can I possibly wear with that hideous green color.  Nothing in my new wardrobe matches that!”  A furious Michelle is said to be barred up in the White House attempting to calm down…developing.


Axelrod Says Tea Party is Unhealthy–Are you Feeling Sick Yet?

April 20, 2009

Leave it to CNN to continue to find ways of interviewing biased individuals who will fall into step and say that the Tea Parties were irrelevant, a joke, mean-spirited, insane, extremist–and now they are trying “unhealthy.”

Senior White House advisor David Axelrod says that the protests are un “unhealthy reaction.”

So I started wondering–have people become less healthy since the parties?  I have decided to take to the streets and find out.  The last thing I wanted was to make anyone sick.  I also wondered if protesting in general might make someone unhealthy.

So first, let’s check in with those who protested against the Tea Parties–you know the protestors of the protestor.  Here is the Houston anti-Tea Party group:

Hmmmmm..well, this person certainly seems depressed–but I think her health is okay.  Maybe this is a bad example.

Let’s check in with a Code Pink protest:

Well, obviously protesting in this form has two unhealthy effects.  It causes people to over-capitalize their words and it has allowed some poor person to believe that red purses match pink dresses–yeesh!  So here is “some” evidence of unhealthy effects.

How about Global Warming protests:

Yikes–this protest turned a human street dweller into a half-polar bear half person.  That is definitely unhealthy.

Although this protest is kind of cute.  And then there is the protest against bankers:

That seems unhealthy–and weird.

But what about the Tea Party protests?  Are they unhealthy?  Let’s look at a few:

 Cincinatti, Ohio


Orange County


San Francisco–really


Trussville, Alabama


Bethlehem, New Jersey


Orlando, Florida


Houston, Texas

Seems to me everyone looks pretty healthy–I mean except for the patriotism, the sense of community, the desire to make our Country a better place, the support of our troops and the willingness to speak out to stop the radical flow of government control and spending.  Except for that they seem healthy.

I think the only thing making anyone who attended these protests sick is the demeaning, childish comments coming from CNN reporters and members of the Democrat party who would rather belittle someone than take them seriously.  Well there is a cure for all of this unhealthy behavior.  Vote Conservative!


Tax Day Tea Party in Houston

April 17, 2009

Well the 15th has come and gone–the Tea Parties were a huge success.  Interestingly the next day the ratings for cable news came out and CNN was hardly even mentioned anywhere in the top 20.  I am thrilled to be a part of this grassroots movement.  Nancy Pelosi said it was an “astro-turf” movement–doesn’t she wish it was?

If you came out to any Tea Party–thank you for doing so and together let’s continue to fight against the ridiculous direction our government is taking our Nation.  I will be back next week with some fresh posts–but for now–at the request of some relatives I will leave you with these pieces of my speech here in Houston.

God Bless and have a great weekend!


Praise for The Navy and Obama…and Tea Parties!

April 13, 2009

As you have undoubtedly heard, the US Navy killed the pirates that were holding Captain Richard Phillips.  And as you may have heard, President Obama gave the go ahead for the Navy to use deadly force to stop the pirates if the Captain’s life was in danger…which it was.

Bravo President Obama!  I know it is shocking some of you that I would praise our Leader on this blog–but when he gets it right, I intend to praise him for it.  Besides, it’s the first thing he has done yet that I approve of and am absolutely convinced it was the right move.  There is really no other way to deal with terrorists.

And the Navy—thank you for your continued protection of our liberties, freedoms and citizens.  I know you don’t operate for the purpose of getting praise–but you deserve it nonetheless.

After all, this was not a laughing matter.  But don’t tell Hillary Clinton that…

Obviously she has gone completely insane.  I know that you are busy being the Secretary of State and all–but Sec. Clinton.  The pirates we were dealing with were not this kind:

They were this kind of pirates:


Not so funny really.

Finally, I would like to give praise to all of the Tea Party Organizers around the Country.  This Wednesday people will be gathering together in hundreds of cities to protest the Government’s crazy ideology of tyrannical taxing and overspending and growing government.

If you are in Houston–come downtown for the party at Jones Plaza (Party on the Plaza location) at 4:00.  Come early, Stay Late and Be Loud as Mack Brown would say.  I will be speaking around 5:30 at the party following John O’Neill-one of the swift boat veterans.  (I think I’m slotted after him to fill time during “intermission”).  I’m very excited about it and hope you can come.

Details are located at:

Don’t Miss It!


Geithner Ushers In George Costanza Opposite Philosophy

April 2, 2009

I love Seinfeld. I think it was one of the funniest television shows to ever hit our living rooms.   Its humor touched all of us because the writers took real-life everyday situations and subjects and showed us how funny they can be in the extreme or in the abstract or just in general.  And now, I’m proud to say that I have discovered what is driving our Treasury Secretary to say and do the things he is doing.  He is simply living out George Costanza’s philosophy on opposites.  See if you remember this:

You see, you have to look back at Tim Geithner’s history a little to understand why I have come to this brilliant conclusion.  It is the only explanation I can come up with for his most recent comments.  But first, a short look back.

In October 2003, Mr. Geithner became the President of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.  Since that time and especially since August 2007, Mr. Geithner has been in a position to deal with the coming financial crisis we are now in.   It was 2006 that he became one of the individuals in the “Group of Thirty.”  This was a Washington-based financial advisory committee. (ok, now I’m boring you)—

It was Geithner that designed the $30billion bailout of Bear Stearns (remember that one–I know too many bailouts ago).  It was Geithner that decided not to help Lehman Bros. but to assist AIG.  It was around that time that he began to change course and do—the opposite of what he knew was right.

AIG:  Prior to the election, Mr. Geithner worked closely with AIG regarding their compensation issues including the bonuses  and concluded with a committee of others in 2008 that the bonuses could not be “legally” blocked.  After reviewing the company and its complete failure at administering itself–he decided to do the opposite and pour billions of dollars down the AIG toilet.

Then there was his decision regarding his taxes (from Wikipedia-sources included):

At the Senate confirmation hearings, it was revealed that Geithner had not paid $35,000 in self-employment taxes for several years,[26] even though he had acknowledged his obligation to do so, and had filed a request for, and received, a payment for half the taxes owed. The failure to pay self-employment taxes was noted during a 2006 audit by the Internal Revenue Service(IRS), in which Geithner was assessed additional taxes of $14,847 for the 2003 and 2004 tax years. Geithner also failed to pay the self-employment taxes for the 2001 and 2002 tax years until after Obama expressed his intent to nominate Geithner to be Secretary of Treasury.[27] He also deducted the cost of his children’s sleep-away camp as a dependent care expense, when only expenses for day care are eligible for the deduction.[28]Geithner subsequently paid the IRS the additional taxes owed,[29] and was charged $15,000 interest, but was not fined for late payment.[30]As President of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, Geithner annually completed an ethics statement noting any taxes due or unpaid, along with any other obligations. Geithner’s completed statement did not surface during confirmation hearings.

As a Johns Hopkins graduate with a Masters in International Economics–it is likely he knew that he had to pay self-employment taxes and that summer camp is hardly “day care” but he chose to do the opposite again.

And NOW:  Faced with his role at the Secretary of the Treasury Mr. Geithner believes that HE should have the ability to fire CEO’s or pressure banks to oust their CEO’s if the Government doesn’t like the way they are operating???

Well, again he is doing the opposite.  Here is the stated role of his office in the Government:

“The Secretary of the Treasury is the principal economic advisor to the President and plays a critical role in policy-making by bringing an economic and government financial policy perspective to issues facing the government. The Secretary is responsible for formulating and recommending domestic and international financial, economic, and tax policy, participating in the formulation of broad fiscal policies that have general significance for the economy, and managing the public debt. The Secretary oversees the activities of the Department in carrying out its major law enforcement responsibilities; in serving as the financial agent for the United States Government; and in manufacturing coins and currency.

See he is supposed to oversee the “Department” not department stores or departments of private industry–but the Department of the Treasury–you know the guys that are making money faster than Al Gore is printing Global Warming books.  But Timmy has decided to do—the opposite and now he wants to run private companies.

Well the consequences have been staggering.  Taking their cue from Mr. Geithner the following individuals have decided they are also going to do the opposite:

1.  Oprah Is Going to Stop Dieting

After all, she has been on more diets than she can count and so now it appears she is just going to do the opposite.

2.  The Pittsburgh Pirates Are Going To Win Games

After years of feeble play, the Pirates have announced they will actually try and win some games and maybe even make the playoffs.  They credit Geithner for coming up with this opposite plan.

3.  Nancy Pelosi Is Going To Read

Worried for years that reading anything at all may actually cause her brain to re-fire and begin working again, Ms. Pelosi has decided to “do the opposite” as they are calling it in Washington and sit down and read a few books.  She decided to start with Danielle Steele and take it slow.  She is hoping to have her brain all turned on again by 2013.

4.  Charles Manson To Write Children’s Books

Inspired by the Secretary, Mr. Manson declared recently that instead of killing young people, he would write cute little stories to inspire them.  “I owe it all to Geithner” he stated gleefully to a group of reporters.

5.  Baylor To Attempt a Tournament Championship

Finally, the Baylor Bears basketball team will play Penn State tonight in the NIT Championship game.  Baylor, typically losing games of any significance, and having been inspired to do the opposite will try tonight to bring home a trophy.  One player was quoted as saying, “Costanza and Geithner, they are practically the same person.”

Baylor, I couldn’t agree more.  Sic’ em!


My Most Treasured Baseball Memory

April 1, 2009

As baseball season approaches I thought I would share with you an incredible experience I had years ago.

When I was a kid, my favorite baseball player was George Brett.  I really loved watching him play–he was amazing.  From the near .400 season to the “Pine Tar Incident,” he was awesome. 

It was late one afternoon in April of 1976 when my father turned to me and said he had some exciting news. 

“I have a business trip tomorrow to Kansas City and I thought you could tag along and see a Royals game.”

I was so excited.  I was 8 years old and was going to get to see my baseball hero live and up close–a young boy’s dream was going to come true.  We left early that Friday morning, made the hour drive from El Campo, Texas to Houston, hopped on an Braniff flight to Kansas City and landed there shortly after lunch.  I went with my dad to a large office building and hung out in the lobby while he handled his meeting.  I was so excited I couldn’t stand it.

After about 30 minutes a large salt and pepper haired man approached me and asked who I was and said something like, “Are you being dad’s helper today?”  I immediately said, without any control, “I’m going to see George Brett today.”

“You are?” said the large man, “Are you going to meet him?”

“No, I’m just going to the game–but he is my favorite player and I’ve never been to his baseball field before.”

The large man paused for a few moments, smiled and bent his knees down so that his face was level to mine and after a second or so said, “How would you like to meet him and maybe even throw the ball around with him?”

I couldn’t believe it, I was standing there in disbelief at the mere thought of actually getting to toss the ball around with the great George Brett.  I began to shake from lifting my heels off the ground over and over like a sort-of half jump and said, “I would give anything.  Do you know him?”

“Turns out I do,” he said, “he is my nephew and I happen to have some dugout passes and I would love it if a young boy like yourself could get to meet his favorite player.”

He then slowly pulled out two large pieces of strong paper that said “dugout pass”

Not only was I going to get to go into the dugout, but I was also going to sit on the first row of seats right behind the dugout during the game!  I have never been so thrilled.

My dad’s meeting ended and I showed him my new prize–he had this stunned, what-kind-of-scam-have-you-pulled look on his face.  I explained what happened and he couldn’t believe it.

That evening we are headed to the stadium and I am just beaming.  We arrive inside an hour and a half early and show the passes to the attendant.  I was half certain that they were fake and we would get thrown out.  Instead they showed us down to the dugout and told us the team would be coming out in about 5 minutes. 

There I was in the KC dugout with my dad, my glove and no one else.  Suddenly the door opened and the Royals came trotting out onto the field.  Out came guys like Buck Martinez, John Mayberry, Frank White, Hal McRae, Amos Otis, Freddie Patek, Steve Busby, Andy Hassler and then George Brett.  He was like a diety walking out after a great 1975 season and primed and ready to lead the Royals to a 90 win season.  He walked over to me and said,

“My uncle says I have a visitor today–you must be the man.”  I smiled and said, “Great to meet you Mr. Brett.”  He said, “Call me George and what is your name?”  I said “Murphy Scott Klasing.”  as if I needed to tell him my entire name.

He said, “Well, Murphy Scott Klasing, I need to warm up so you want to throw me some balls?”  Did I ever, I could not believe I was getting this opportunity.  I couldn’t wait to get home and tell Tal and Michael and David and my other friends that I had played catch with George Brett.

We walked out to the field and I threw the ball and he graciously threw it softly back to me.  I was not exactly an athlete but I did love the game.  Stretching out next to where we were throwing was John Mayberry.  One one toss to George I threw so wildly that it went right by him and plunked Mr. Mayberry on the back of his neck.  He jumped up, spun around and said, “what the ___ was that?” 

Needless to say I was wide-eyed and freaked out.  When Mr. Mayberry saw that it was an 8 year old that had plunked him, he quickly apologized for the cursing and spoke to George for a quick second where I could not hear what he was saying. 

George walks over to me and says, “I think I’m pretty warmed up.  Me and John were talking and decided that you needed to be our batboy for the game–if you want to.”  I said, “Yes, yes, yes.”  I checked with my dad and was given the green light.

So there I was in the dugout getting bats for players and hangin’ with the Royals.  The game started.  It was against the Cleveland Indians.  Bird was pitching for the royals and through 7 innings had only given up 2 runs.  In the bottom of the 8th inning it was tied 2-2.  With men on 1st and 2nd and one out, George took the plate.  He hit a single loading the bases.  I was so excited.  Mayberry singles in 2 runs and leaves George at third.  Hal McRae steps up and hits a grounder for an out but George scores on the play.  I ran out of the dugout to meet him at the plate and he picked me up as he crossed home.

The game ended with the Royals winning 5-3 and I experienced the greatest baseball dream day of my life.  I got the autographs of all the players and to this day will never forget the experience.


The only thing that would have made this experience any better…




any better at all…


would be…




if even one single word (other than the fact that George Brett is my favorite player and they did beat the Indians 5-3) was at all true.


Happy April Fools Day!