I was furiously typing away at the office, working hard so I will be able to pay my taxes when a friend, conservative and great American David Bippus sent me an article informing me that soon I may have some new neighbors–terrorists.
Apparently Eric Holder and the Obama administration have stated today that some prisoners of Guantanamo Bay may be “released on US soil and receive assistance to return to society.” Isn’t that sweet? I mean after all, if we have the guts to release them in the United States (where they will instantly be an illegal alien–not that anyone seems to care about that anymore), then we should have the compassion to give them some “stimulus” money and assist them in joining our society.
But the real question is this? “How can I show my compassion and tolerance when said terrorist moves in next door?”
I mean, I don’t really know how to deal with a terrorist. My first thought is to place terrorists in prison but I’m a step behind on that one apparently. But to show my patriotism and respect for the office of the President, it seems I need an action plan to deal with my own acceptance of such an individual into my neighborhood. Well, have no fear–our team of reporters here at MKCB have caught up with William Ayers and asked for his assistance in dealing with this very sensitive issue.
Q: Mr. Ayers, thanks for meeting with me today.
Ayers: Well who would know how to deal with terrorists in our own Country better than me? After all, I’m ‘the bomb.’ Ha ha ha!
Q: Oh, I get it–ha ha, that is kind of funny…(Awkward pause)…Anyway…so let’s say a terrorist is released and moves in next door to me. Say this guy for example:
or maybe this girl:
…what should be my first step in welcoming him/her to the neighborhood?
Ayers: Well first let me say that Janeane Garafalo is hot. In answer to your question–the first thing you should do is convene an emergency meeting of your homeowner’s association and modify your association restrictions to allow for the following: 1. Stockpiling of assault weapons and bomb-making equipment; 2. Outside speakers to broadcast propaganda; 3. organized basic training facilities in the back yard; 4. removal of surveillance by neighborhood watch groups; and of course 5. the public beating and humiliation of women within the neighborhood.
Q: Wow–those are amazing suggestions? Shouldn’t we also remove any restriction that would disallow children to be used as human suicide bombs?
Ayers: Now you are thinking like a tolerant American.
Q: Okay, so what should we do about yard art like this?:
Ayers: OHHH!!! MY EYES!!! THEY ARE MELTING!! Ha-just kidding, but seriously cover that capitalistic intolerant right-wing filth.
Q: Oh sorry.
Ayers: No worries, I almost had to shoot you right here in Starbucks. Ha ha. Just kidding–well, certainly someone should go around the neighborhood and round up all American flags, crosses, hideous angels like the one you showed me, any references to God, or America or Red, White and Blue should be rounded up–you can leave the college team flags up–especially the Michigan Wolverine flag. After you round them up, use glue and cardboard and make a huge likeness of George W. Bush with the yard flags and art. Then go in the street in front of your new neighbor’s house and burn that thing to the ground. Like this:
That will make them feel right at home again.
Q: Okay–and I guess we would have to lift any “open fire” restrictions from the deed restrictions.
Ayers: Good point–obviously that will have to be dealt with as well.
Q: How about Christmas, er.. I mean…Holiday lights and trees.
Ayers: Have you been listening? Absolutely not. Now I will say that Ramadan lights would be a nice touch–like these:
…But Christmas lights, and snowmen, angels, Santas, all out–Especially nativity scenes–those are SOOO offensive anyway.
Q: Finally, any ideas for say a house warming present?
Ayers: Well, you could take a picture of their kids playing in the yard and frame it for them–like this one:
or maybe buy them a deck of terrorist playing cards:
…Or maybe just a few terrorist fireworks like these:
Q: Well as always, we appreciate your insight Mr. Ayers and we hope you have a “blast” this weekend.
Ayers: Ha ha–good one.