Archive for January 2009

Your Constitutional Right To Digital Jerry Springer

January 16, 2009

Okay, I apologize for being absent so long and then making you throw up in your mouth with this picture.  But imagine how much more you would hurl if you could see this in Full Digital Format!

Well, Americans have no fear, apparently the Bill of Rights has been updated while we were all worrying about gas prices, Hurricane Ike and whether or not we were being wire-tapped. And now we all have the right to Digital TV.

As I’m sure you are aware, sometime in February, anyone too cheap to spent a couple hundred dollars on a new small TV with digital capability will have to get a converter for their television to work properly.  Imagine, you are at home, you are all out of crack, Maury is about to announce the results of the paternity test and (snow)…you would totally freak out!

Once again, our fearless Government has come to the rescue.  Why spend $200 on a new TV when you can get a converter for $40–but wait there’s more…why spend $40 on a converter when you can get one of these:

Yes, that’s right, the Department of Commerce is issuing and has actually run out of $40 coupons so that you can continue to collect welfare and food stamps and sit on your butt at home and watch glorious digital tv from your old wooden TV box.

How can they do this you say?  Well let’s look at the role of the Department of Commerce.  Formed in 1903 as the Department of Labor, the Department’s mission is to “promote job creation and improved living standards for all Americans by creating an infrastructure that promotes economic growth, technological competitiveness, and sustainable development.” Among its tasks are gathering economic and demographic data for business and government decision-making, issuing patents and trademarks, and helping to set industrial standards.

And I suppose–their new mission is handing out socialist freebies.  Well, good for them–it is just in time for the ushering in of the most socialist and liberal-minded government our Nation has ever suffered under. 

So I did some checking and it turns out the Bill of Rights was updated–here is the new Bill of Rights:

Of course you know that the first 10 Amendments are the Bill of Rights.  And then Congress over the years passed Amendments 11-27.  So to add to the Bill of Rights they have to start with 28–which kind of messing everything up, but no worries.  Nobody in our Country read these anyway–if they did, they would vote differently.

So–Amendment 28: “Having determined that our Society will crumble if the poor cannot access television, Congress shall empower the Department of Commerce to hand out $40 digital converter coupons as all Americans have a right to view television.”

and these little known ones were added too:

Amendment 29:  “The youth of America cannot possibly be expected to converse with parents and other adults and certainly cannot be expected to read a book, therefore beginning 2010, Congress shall empower the Department of Commerce to issue every child a new IPod product in the following manner:  5-8 year olds, IPod nano, 9-12 year olds, IPod Classic, 13-18 year olds, IPod Touch.  This action shall be called the “No Child Left To Expand Their Mind” Amendment.

Amendment 30:  “All Americans have a right to a vacation, but of course, only rich Republicans (which is redundant) can afford them, therefore, Congress shall empower the Department of Commerce to seize 10 cruise ships under a condemnation action and hand out free 1 week passes to ride the ship to all Americans who fit the following criteria:  voted Democrat in the last election, lives beyond his/her means, is already receiving some form of government entitlement (such as Amendment 28) and has put forth the least amount of effort possible to succeed in life.”

Amendment 31:  “All Americans have a right to a tricked out cell phone.  Regardless of income, need or common sense, Congress shall empower the Federal Communication Commission to issue free tricked out Motorola cell phones to all Americans not currently on a cell phone plan that are age 8 and up.  If an American is on a plan and cancels that plan, they can apply for a free phone under this Amendment until March 31, 2018.”

I am so glad that Congress is finally addressing our real needs.  All of this money spent on “national security” and “road and bridges” and “failed Bush administration policies” will finally come to an end next week and we can all look forward to a new free-er (is that a word) America.  One that resembles, um, the old USSR.

-Murphy

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