I’m Ready For My Bailout!

Well with GM seeking a bailout and Circuit City filing Bankruptcy and AIG needing more money and on and on–I have decided to formally step into the bailout line.  I know, you are saying, “But Murphy, you are a right-wing, cement-hearted, nut job conservative…how can you do such a thing?”  Well, there is an old saying, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”

I thought that since we are about to have a nearly Socialist regime in our Government, it may be time to step in line and get some free stuff.

If companies that are mismanaged can go to the government with a Republican president and get free money, how much more can I get something once Obama takes over?

So, here is my bailout list:

1.  STUDENT LOAN DEBT

After law school I was saddled with a hefty student loan.  Then I worked for (don’t gasp), the Government for 2 years and deferred the loans since my salary was a little light.  Now, some 14 years after law school I still have a balance and I feel as though I need a bailout.  So I submit my request.

2.  WINE CLUB BAILOUT

After a trip to Napa Valley I learned about “wine clubs.”  You can sign up at each winery and they will send you 2 or 3 bottles a month and simply charge your credit card.  I feel it would responsible to my tasting experience to be a member of at least say…10 wine clubs.  But that would of course cost somewhere between $1000 and $1500 a month, which I really cannot afford…that is…unless I can get a Bailout!  So I submit this as my second request for a bailout.

3.  LEXUS BAILOUT

Currently I drive a 2006 Camry.

But I would really like to drive a 2009 Lexus.

So, if I could get go ahead and buy the Lexus (which I cannot afford) and then I will submit my request for a bailout on that as well.  Thank you Uncle Sam!

4.  EMOTIONAL BAILOUT

When I am blue or feeling down, I don’t like it.  If someone dies or if my stocks lose 40% of their value, I get a little sad.  Maybe the Government could provide me an emotional bailout.  Maybe I could get in the mail a DVD set of comedy stand-up routines by Jerry Seinfeld and Brian Regan and maybe all 9 seasons of the Golden Girls–or just this:

or this:

In any event, what I would really like a bailout from is scandals, Clinton appointees, higher taxes and socialist health care–guess I’ll have to wait 4 years for those.

-Murphy

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