Archive for December 2008

I’m Ready For My Bailout!

December 10, 2008

Well with GM seeking a bailout and Circuit City filing Bankruptcy and AIG needing more money and on and on–I have decided to formally step into the bailout line.  I know, you are saying, “But Murphy, you are a right-wing, cement-hearted, nut job conservative…how can you do such a thing?”  Well, there is an old saying, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”

I thought that since we are about to have a nearly Socialist regime in our Government, it may be time to step in line and get some free stuff.

If companies that are mismanaged can go to the government with a Republican president and get free money, how much more can I get something once Obama takes over?

So, here is my bailout list:

1.  STUDENT LOAN DEBT

After law school I was saddled with a hefty student loan.  Then I worked for (don’t gasp), the Government for 2 years and deferred the loans since my salary was a little light.  Now, some 14 years after law school I still have a balance and I feel as though I need a bailout.  So I submit my request.

2.  WINE CLUB BAILOUT

After a trip to Napa Valley I learned about “wine clubs.”  You can sign up at each winery and they will send you 2 or 3 bottles a month and simply charge your credit card.  I feel it would responsible to my tasting experience to be a member of at least say…10 wine clubs.  But that would of course cost somewhere between $1000 and $1500 a month, which I really cannot afford…that is…unless I can get a Bailout!  So I submit this as my second request for a bailout.

3.  LEXUS BAILOUT

Currently I drive a 2006 Camry.

But I would really like to drive a 2009 Lexus.

So, if I could get go ahead and buy the Lexus (which I cannot afford) and then I will submit my request for a bailout on that as well.  Thank you Uncle Sam!

4.  EMOTIONAL BAILOUT

When I am blue or feeling down, I don’t like it.  If someone dies or if my stocks lose 40% of their value, I get a little sad.  Maybe the Government could provide me an emotional bailout.  Maybe I could get in the mail a DVD set of comedy stand-up routines by Jerry Seinfeld and Brian Regan and maybe all 9 seasons of the Golden Girls–or just this:

or this:

In any event, what I would really like a bailout from is scandals, Clinton appointees, higher taxes and socialist health care–guess I’ll have to wait 4 years for those.

-Murphy

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Governor Rod Blagojevich Actions Not His Fault

December 10, 2008

Chicago-Well we finally have something other than the economy to discuss.  Rod Blagojevich.  For months now the FBi has been suspicious of this man because how many men at his age still have this much hair?

As Jon Stewart said last night on “The Daily Show”–what is written under there that he doesn’t want us to see?  Well, I for one think that we are all being a little too hard on Mr. Blagosdfkwe=whatever.  Although–he is no stranger to corruption discussions.  In 2005 he was investigated as part of a scheme to steer pension plans from the State to his large campaign contributors.  But as he said then–he knew nothing about that.

Then, of course there were those silly rumors that he was actually gay.  But that is just plain ridiculous.

The reality is, the Governor was not breaking the law.  Sure he is being charged with tons of crimes including bribery and corruption, but he is right that the “bleeping” Senate office left vacant President-Elect Obama is a “bleeping” important office and it shouldn’t be simply given away for “bleeping” free.  After all–the economy is in the tank and how can Illinois afford to have a Governor that cannot afford to feed his own family.  I mean look at the tiny house he lives in:

Pathetic.  Why I would rather sleep in a cardboard box–at least I would have my dignity.  Plus his salary is a little over a paltry $177K per year–not even “rich” under Obama’s standards.  It is such a shame–with the economy hurting and organized crime needing their payoffs in Chicago, even Oprah is stressed and laying on the weight again.

So are we to condemn this man–this friend of our new President, for a couple of poor decisions related to finances?

I say “No”–let’s look instead at the real problem.  Of course, there is the underlying issue of the “failed policies of the Bush administration” that is the cause of our financial woes (not the mortgage crises or unions or socialist policies of the left)–But the real problem–the root of all of our current angst and anxiety-

The root of all evil and the example of all things wrong with our society:

Yes, the BCS–it is clear that if we had a playoff system, or if UT was rightfully playing for the National Championship, then we would not have Governors of States like Illinois making such irrational decisions.  Clearly, this disruption in the natural order of things has caused poor Blogaofeviehsasdfasdthek  to not think clearly and to say things he must not mean.

So join with me in anticipating the Democrat response–blame Bush (obviously)–but let’s blame the real culprits–after all we do not live in a society where personal responsibility means anything–so in anticipating the need for a scapegoat–I offer the BCS…and of course, the Oklahoma Sooners.

-Murphy

(if you would like to donate to the Blogovsicheisgheih criminal defense fund–just send it directly to the “Office of the President Elect”  if you can locate such an office–after all–the US believes Obama can spend our money better than we can ourselves–I’m sure this is no exception)

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