Obama’s Uncle and 10 Other Amazing Stories
Yesterday Obama told a group of people that his uncle helped liberate Jews from the Auschwitz camp in Germany.
From a website detailing the history of the liberation of this hellish place:
“In mid-January 1945, as Soviet forces approached the Auschwitz camp complex, the SS began evacuating Auschwitz and its satellite camps. Nearly 60,000 prisoners were forced to march west from the Auschwitz camp system. Thousands had been killed in the camps in the days before these death marches began. Tens of thousands of prisoners, mostly Jews, were forced to march to the city of Wodzislaw in the western part of Upper Silesia. SS guards shot anyone who fell behind or could not continue. Prisoners also suffered from the cold weather, starvation, and exposure on these marches. More than 15,000 died during the death marches from Auschwitz. On January 27, 1945, the Soviet army entered Auschwitz and liberated more than 7,000 remaining prisoners, who were mostly ill and dying. It is estimated that at minimum 1.3 million people were deported to Auschwitz between 1940 and 1945; of these, at least 1.1 million were murdered.”
So I suppose Obama’s uncle was a member of the Soviet Army-I’m not sure which is more disturbing the truth or the lie. I know, I know, all of you Obamaites that get on this site and call me names will get on and say we should give him a break–he made a simple mistake. Yet on the same day that this happened, Hillary was slaughtered in the press simply for mentioning the assasination of Robert Kennedy–that was all she did, mention that it happened in June. I should give him a break though, just like Democrats always give Bush a break for making a verbal mistake.
I sent a team of Conservative investigators looking for other unknown facts about Obama’s family so we could find out about all of them now. Here is what they came up with:
1. Obama’s Grandmother Once Had a House Maid that was Not White
-It’s true, although his grandmother was “scared of black people,” we will find out soon enough that she was actually very racially sensitive because she often employed minorities to work in her home. What an American.
2. Obama’s Second Cousin Helped Stage Nasa’s Fake Moon Landing
We all know that NASA, a corrupt government agency funded primarily by Republican legislation, Halliburton and Big Oil, never really landed on the moon. Luckily for us Obama has a second cousin that can testify about this National atrocity.
3. Obama’s Mother’s Grandmother’s Best Friend’s Uncle’s StepSon was The Third Cousin To James Bowie
Well, thank God for this piece of Obama history. After all, Mr. Bowie, sick in his bed in the Alamo, nevertheless fended off numerous Mexicans during the Alamo’s last stand thereby buying time for Sam Houston to gather his troops and ultimately beat Mexico in the Battle of San Jacinto–or something like that. Of course, this is a win-win for Obama. He has a connection not only to winning the war with Mexico but also, the illegal immigrants who crossed the border ultimately killed Mr. Bowie so they had some partial victory as well. Ahh, the balance of it all.
4. Obama’s First Girlfriend’s Mom’s Dad Invented the Baseball Cup
Boys all over the world are forever grateful for this future-child-bearing-saving device. Yes the plastic groin cup. Because of Obama’s connection to this invention, America’s favorite pastime is much safer and baseball players continue to speak in low voice tones.
5. Obama’s Great Uncle’s Second Wife Was the First Victim of the 80’s Tylenol Cyanide
Tragically, Obama has a connection to the cyanide Tylenol incident. But thankfully, that first victim, that first American Hero who perished in this horrible event, brought to light the problem and saved countless lives, millions even. Thank you once again Obama–we owe you our lives.
6. Obama’s StepFather’s Aunt’s Son’s Best Friend in Third Grade Actually Wrote “Piano Man.”
I must admit, this one upsets me. I’m a huge Billy Joel fan and the thought that arguably his most famous work was written by a relative of Obama, well frankly it makes me sick. Sorry, I can’t talk about this one any further.
7. Obama’s Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather’s Grandfather’s Uncle wrote Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address
Little known fact about Lincoln is that he was the first President to employ a speech-writer. That dadgum candlelight in the cabin in Nebraska just destroyed his eyes and he simply couldn’t see the paper well enough. Thankfully and Obama ancestor was there to once again save the day and write the most famous Presidential speech in History. What a debt of gratitude we owe this man and his family.
8. Obama’s Daughter Found the End of Pi
It’s true–while sitting in the pew of Trinity Church, Obama’s daughter realizing that listening to Rev. Wright was a bigger waste of time than watching the Food Network, she began determining the full value of pi. She started with a simple 3.14 and each Sunday kept working on it until she found the end. Amazing. Rumor has it she is currently working on mapping the genetic DNA of a T-Rex fossil in an attempt to create a real Jurassic Park.
9. Obama is Related to Ghandi-’nuff said.
10. And Finally…Obama’s Father’s Mother’s Brother’s late Uncle’s Daughter’s Co-worker Flew to America and met a Woman who was the Daughter of a Man whose Third Cousin’s Wife’s Stepson was John Wayne
Although an outspoken Republican, John Wayne’s connection to Obama once and for all proves with 100% certainty one important truth: Obama is the man to unite this Country. When you add this fact to the other 9 and consider that his mom’s ancestors actually owned slaves, he is truly the most well-rounded man in American History. How can we not vote for this man? In fact, we should just appoint him President, give him all of our possessions and bow down to him 3 times a day–we are wasting time with all of this “election” nonsense.
PS: This is Satire. This disclaimer is for all of you Obama-freaks that are automatically offended by such silliness.