Archive for May 2008

Susan Sarandon To Move if McCain Elected–I’m More Energized Than Ever.

May 30, 2008

I’ve said for a while now that the Republican party needs some real motivation to get out and vote for John McCain this fall. I realize that he is not as conservative as many of us would like. I realize that he isn’t as charming as we might like. He doesn’t have enough faith to satifsfy the “Christian Right” nor enough Nationalism to satisfy the “Send the Illegals Home” crowd. But he is WORLDS better than either of the other 2 choices currently campaigning. Why? Becuase he understands the mission in Iraq and our fight against terrorism, he doesn’t believe that over-taxing the wealthy is a way to solve the Country’s economic problems, he is not a socialist, he is not a communist, he is not a racist or a bigot or a divisive anti-American pile of sludge–he is therefore, much better than the other choice(s).

But today–all the motivation we need has been given to us courtesy of Susan Sarandon. She has stated that if John McCain is elected she will move to Italy (which has tax rates that would make you cry) or Canada (hope you don’t get sick there–oh yeah, I forgot, you have enough money to pay a doctor directly and jump ahead of those plebian Canadians who are waiting in line to have their kidney replaced).

So, Republicans–LET’S GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!  What more motivation do you need than to get this anti-American liberal out of our Country?  I’m so thankful that she has offered up this sacrifice.  It almost makes me wish I had seen Thelma and Louise.

Here are some of her famous quotes that we have had to endure:

1.  “Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore? Isn’t there some way to be both?”

No, I think you haven’t quite made it to ice queen intellectual yet.

2.  “I look forward to being older, when what you look like becomes less and less an issue and what you are is the point.”

Sounds like something an ugly person would say.  Um, Susan…don’t you get Hollywood yet?

3. “We stand a chance of getting a president who has probably killed more people before he gets into office than any president in the history of the United States.” (referring to Bush as Gov. of Texas allowing executions to go forward)

Yes, Susan, that’s the way it works down har in Texas!  Shoot, we get our gov’nor to fill up the shot and stick it in the murdering punk himself.  Wild west justice–yee haw!!!  (what a monor)

4. ” I was told I had an overabundance of original sin.”

Well good, that ought to take you far in life.

5.        “It’s still not easy to find roles that offer more complex images of women,”

So I guess that explains why you took on the role of Mom Racer.  That is an extremely complex role.

5 seems like enough–but what the heck, it’s Friday…

6.  “I’ve always had a really developed sense of justice. As a child, I would rotate my dolls’ dresses for fear that they might come alive at midnight and one of them would always have the best dress on. Whatever it was that made me worry about my dolls I suppose has paid off in my career because, really, an actor is all about empathy and imagination. And those are the cornerstones of activism.”

Say what?  This parallell is about as perpindicular as it could be.  (See I can talk nonsense too)

7.  “It will be great when it’s not such a big deal when a woman gets a good job.”

Susan–what decade are you living in?  I guess the millions you make just isn’t very satisfying.  You might want to look at statistics on working women–it’s not the same as the character you portrayed in Speed Racer.

Well, There are more–some about Hillary Clinton, some about her bedroom, but I think you get the flavor of it from these.

Well Susan, all I can say is come November I hope you have the courage to open up your wallet, hop on a big carbon-emitting plane and never return.  Arrivederci!

-Murphy

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The Romantics and My Favorite Song Ever!

May 28, 2008

As a quick side note to the “normal” format of this blog—3 people asked me today what my favorite song is and of course it is “What I Like About You” by the Romantics.  It is the best song ever.  Don’t come in here with your Led Zepplin or your Beatles or your Carpenters or your Rick Astley–The Romantics are IT!

Enjoy:

Okay, so maybe the hair styles are a little too rad for ya, but the song is tripindicular dude!

-Murphy

Obama’s Uncle and 10 Other Amazing Stories

May 28, 2008

Yesterday Obama told a group of people that his uncle helped liberate Jews from the Auschwitz camp in Germany.

From a website detailing the history of the liberation of this hellish place:

“In mid-January 1945, as Soviet forces approached the Auschwitz camp complex, the SS began evacuating Auschwitz and its satellite camps. Nearly 60,000 prisoners were forced to march west from the Auschwitz camp system. Thousands had been killed in the camps in the days before these death marches began. Tens of thousands of prisoners, mostly Jews, were forced to march to the city of Wodzislaw in the western part of Upper Silesia. SS guards shot anyone who fell behind or could not continue. Prisoners also suffered from the cold weather, starvation, and exposure on these marches. More than 15,000 died during the death marches from Auschwitz. On January 27, 1945, the Soviet army entered Auschwitz and liberated more than 7,000 remaining prisoners, who were mostly ill and dying. It is estimated that at minimum 1.3 million people were deported to Auschwitz between 1940 and 1945; of these, at least 1.1 million were murdered.”

So I suppose Obama’s uncle was a member of the Soviet Army-I’m not sure which is more disturbing the truth or the lie.  I know, I know, all of you Obamaites that get on this site and call me names will get on and say we should give him a break–he made a simple mistake.  Yet on the same day that this happened, Hillary was slaughtered in the press simply for mentioning the assasination of Robert Kennedy–that was all she did, mention that it happened in June.  I should give him a break though, just like Democrats always give Bush a break for making a verbal mistake.

I sent a team of Conservative investigators looking for other unknown facts about Obama’s family so we could find out about all of them now.  Here is what they came up with:

1.  Obama’s Grandmother Once Had a House Maid that was Not White

-It’s true, although his grandmother was “scared of black people,”  we will find out soon enough that she was actually very racially sensitive because she often employed minorities to work in her home.  What an American.

2.  Obama’s Second Cousin Helped Stage Nasa’s Fake Moon Landing

We all know that NASA, a corrupt government agency funded primarily by Republican legislation, Halliburton and Big Oil, never really landed on the moon.  Luckily for us Obama has a second cousin that can testify about this National atrocity.

3.  Obama’s Mother’s Grandmother’s Best Friend’s Uncle’s StepSon was The Third Cousin To James Bowie

Well, thank God for this piece of Obama history.  After all, Mr. Bowie, sick in his bed in the Alamo, nevertheless fended off numerous Mexicans during the Alamo’s last stand thereby buying time for Sam Houston to gather his troops and ultimately beat Mexico in the Battle of San Jacinto–or something like that.  Of course, this is a win-win for Obama.  He has a connection not only to winning the war with Mexico but also, the illegal immigrants who crossed the border ultimately killed Mr. Bowie so they had some partial victory as well.  Ahh, the balance of it all.

4.  Obama’s First Girlfriend’s Mom’s Dad Invented the Baseball Cup

Boys all over the world are forever grateful for this future-child-bearing-saving device.  Yes the plastic groin cup.  Because of Obama’s connection to this invention, America’s favorite pastime is much safer and baseball players continue to speak in low voice tones.

5.  Obama’s Great Uncle’s Second Wife Was the First Victim of the 80’s Tylenol Cyanide

Tragically, Obama has a connection to the cyanide Tylenol incident.  But thankfully, that first victim, that first American Hero who perished in this horrible event, brought to light the problem and saved countless lives, millions even.  Thank you once again Obama–we owe you our lives.

6.  Obama’s StepFather’s Aunt’s Son’s Best Friend in Third Grade Actually Wrote “Piano Man.”

I must admit, this one upsets me.  I’m a huge Billy Joel fan and the thought that arguably his most famous work was written by a relative of Obama, well frankly it makes me sick.  Sorry, I can’t talk about this one any further.

7.  Obama’s Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather’s Grandfather’s Uncle wrote Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address

Little known fact about Lincoln is that he was the first President to employ a speech-writer.  That dadgum candlelight in the cabin in Nebraska just destroyed his eyes and he simply couldn’t see the paper well enough.  Thankfully and Obama ancestor was there to once again save the day and write the most famous Presidential speech in History.  What a debt of gratitude we owe this man and his family.

8.  Obama’s Daughter Found the End of Pi

It’s true–while sitting in the pew of Trinity Church, Obama’s daughter realizing that listening to Rev. Wright was a bigger waste of time than watching the Food Network, she began determining the full value of pi.  She started with a simple 3.14 and each Sunday kept working on it until she found the end.  Amazing.  Rumor has it she is currently working on mapping the genetic DNA of a T-Rex fossil in an attempt to create a real Jurassic Park.

9.  Obama is Related to Ghandi-’nuff said.

10.  And Finally…Obama’s Father’s Mother’s Brother’s late Uncle’s Daughter’s Co-worker Flew to America and met a Woman who was the Daughter of a Man whose Third Cousin’s Wife’s Stepson was John Wayne

Although an outspoken Republican, John Wayne’s connection to Obama once and for all proves with 100% certainty one important truth:  Obama is the man to unite this Country.  When you add this fact to the other 9 and consider that his mom’s ancestors actually owned slaves, he is truly the most well-rounded man in American History.  How can we not vote for this man?  In fact, we should just appoint him President, give him all of our possessions and bow down to him 3 times a day–we are wasting time with all of this “election” nonsense.

-Murphy

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PS:  This is Satire.  This disclaimer is for all of you Obama-freaks that are automatically offended by such silliness.

Memorial Day-A Day to Honor our Troops-Not Descimate Our Military

May 26, 2008

Happy Memorial Day.  I hope you are with your family at the pool, cooking meat on a grill, and having fellowship with your friends.  Don’t forget that today we honor those brave men and women who gave their lives for our Freedom and the Freedom of men and women around the world.  Specifically pray for those families who lost loved-ones in Iraq and Afghanistan.  And lastly–don’t forget about those citizens who lost their lives when this war began on September 11, 2001.

In case you want to pray for specific families-Here is a link to the names of the victims of that fateful day.  (Press Here For Link)

 And in case it is not obvious would Obama thinks of our military by now–take a look at this video, and pray that he does not become the leader of this Country at the end of this year. 

Wow!–What a naive and pie-in-the-sky idiot he is.

-Murphy

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Obama Says Lay Off My Wife-How Dare We Speak the Truth.

May 20, 2008

Yesterday Obama decided to lash out at Tennessee–just another state where people are clinging to their guns and religion–for an advertisement that shows Michelle Obama saying that “this is the first time I’ve been proud to be an American.”  That ad is then contrasted with Tennesseeians talking about why they are and always have been proud to be an American.

Not a suprise really.  I mean after all–she has made anti-American speeches but she isn’t running for President so we should not exercise our First Amendment rights and criticize the anti-American rhetoric she spews.

After all-democrats always lay off candidates’ families during an election.  Remember, John Edwards in the VP debate being careful not to mention the fact that Cheny’s daughter was a lesbian.

Oh yeah, I forgot, he did mention that.  Well what about Bill Clinton–I don’t want to defend him, but Barack has taken shots at him.  Remember how he was attacked for calling Obama’s lack of experience a “roll of the dice” and for calling his opposition to the war a “fairy tale?”  Cindy McCain has been attacked for not disclosing her tax returns and the DNC says it will make that an issue during the fall. Retired Gen. McPeak, an Obama co-chair, even compared Bill Clinton to Joe McCarthy.

Ah, but Obama is supposed to be the Messiah of Change.  The Guru of Hope and the Lord of the Future.  And we simply do not understand him.  He, after all, is above us.

Maybe if we could realize our place below Obama, we would know that to take shots at his wife simply is not fair.  Let’s take a lesson from the messiah’s wife –here are some quotes from Michelle, listen and listen good:

1.  “Barack is one of the smartest people you will ever encounter who will deign to enter this messy thing called politics.”

  (By the way, “deign” means to condescend or to do something that one considers below their own dignity)  Can you say “wow!”

2.  But Mrs. Obama has no interest in an ongoing quest for the White House. “To me it is now or never.”

There’s an inconvenience factor there, and if we’re going to uproot our lives, then let’s hopefully make a real big dent in what it means to be president of the United States.”

 (Honey-you are making a serious dent-in Patriotism, decency, and the fall of elitism)

3. “We have lost the understanding that in a democracy, we have a mutual obligation to one another — that we cannot measure the greatness of our society by the strongest and richest of us, but we have to measure our greatness by the least of these. That we have to compromise and sacrifice for one another in order to get things done. That is why I am here, because Barack Obama is the only person in this who understands that. That before we can work on the problems, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation.”

 (Ahh, Saint Barack–what a man–he can fix my very soul–as long as I give him some money (like 25% of my capital gains))

4.  “There is still a lot of hard work that we as a country need to do. They can’t look to any one individual, whether it’s Barack or it’s the next new hope that’s going to appear to be that savior. And I would just hate for people to sort of see this potential and think: Oh, now I can rest easy because Barack Obama is going to fix things. It doesn’t work that way.”

 (Ummmm… WHA?  I’m not sure what she is saying here since she contradicts herself–but as for the last 2 sentences, don’t worry Michelle, I’m not resting easy because I know he isn’t going to fix anything)

5. “Iowa will make the difference,” Mrs. Obama said. “If Barack doesn’t win Iowa, it is just a dream. If we win Iowa, then we can move to the world as it should be.”

 (cue “Superman” theme song…

6.  “For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country,” she told a Milwaukee crowd today, “because it feels like hope is making a comeback.”

Michelle–what is making a comeback is my lunch.  Here is the reality–if you are going to go around the Country talking about your husband as if he was the inventor of post-it notes, then you are going to get critcized for your liberal, anti-American socialist comments–and even some of your regular ones.  So buck up doll, this ride might get bumpy.

And besides, don’t we want to know a little something about our first lady before she gets in office–otherwise she might turn out to be a shrill demoness who attempts to pass socialist medicine legislation and claim her husband’s affairs are nothing more than a “vast right-wing conspiracy.”  And then, Obama forbid, she might run for President.

ooohhh, perish the thought.

-Murphy

 

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California Supreme Court’s Opinion is So Gay.

May 16, 2008

Well by now you have likely heard that the California Supreme Court struck down the State’s ban on gay marriage by a 4-3 vote.  The Court stated that “Our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation.”

What an interesting and completely flawed comment.  The State never kept any individual from establishing a loving and long-term committed relationship–it simply did not afford people rights related to marriage if they were the same sex–since that has historically, biblically, and socially never been considered “marriage.”

And immediately, Ellen Degeneres proclaimed that she and Portia were getting married.

Is it just me or does Portia look like the Joker from Batman?  Freaky.  So who is the man in that relationship?  I guess they are more like a gay couple than a lesbian couple–but I digress…again.

So what is next?  If we are going to change our entire system of laws based on the people we have sex with then I think we are headed for dissaster.  Remember–this is not about 2 people “loving” each other and wanting to spend their lives together.  THis is about benefits, divorce, community property, adoption, death benefits, property ownership, credit, income taxes, etc… It’s about providing benefits to people based on their sexual preference.  So how about bisexuals.  Shouldn’t a man who loves a man and a woman at the same time be able to marry them both?  What about a mother that loves her son or daughter, what about a man in India that loves his dog?  Remember that ridiculousness?

 

Well, the dog is cute I suppose–and it never talks back, doesn’t ever want its feet rubbed, can’t hold a credit card, doesn’t care if you drink beer and watch football all day on Saturday, but again I digress…

Of course, there is another side to this tale–for example how else could this person get married if not for the ability for all people to marry who or whatever they want?

I always thought Greg Proops was a man. (the guy from Who’s LIne is is Anyway?)

Greg Proops, 2005.

Guess not. 

Well, not to get into too much of a debate here–but seriously America is this what you want to see walking down the aisle?

I don’t think so.  Marriage is between a man and a woman–period.  Everything else is just plain silly.  James Dobson said it well today when he said, “”What an outrage. It will be up to the people of California to preserve traditional marriage by passing a constitutional amendment. … Only then can they protect themselves from this latest example of judicial tyranny.”

The big point here is that the California Supreme Court is out of control–Judges are supposed to interpret laws not create legislation from the bench.  It is and always has been a State’s right to define marriage—there is nothing unconstitutional about that.  In fact, it is quite constitutional.

The 10th Amendment to the US Constitution says:  “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people. ”

I believe the people of California, as wacky as they can be, actually voted on this ban and upheld it.–Seems pretty dadgum Constitutional.  But then, I’m not a wacked-out liberal with a social agenda sitting on the high Court of the State.

Good luck California-You will need it.

-Murphy

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A Message For Our Graduates

May 15, 2008

Class of 2008-congrats on your achievements.  Whether they be in high school, college or graduate school–you have done well.  So now what?  You are entering a world filled with ideas and problems the likes of which you have really never encountered.  It is likely (especially you Columbia grads) that liberal professors have attempted to fill you mind with ridiculous ideas of how the utopia they think the world should be actually operates.  Forget it all.  Instead, take heed to the words of Bill Gates.  You know him–that evil capitalist that started a company in his garage and now could actually purchase Haiti, destroy it completely and not even miss the expense.  THAT Bill Gates.  He has this to say to the graduates-11 Rules of Life you did NOT learn in School:

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up,it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Congrats Grads–now get out there and kick some butt!

-Murphy

UPDATE:  Apparently Gates didn’t say these things–nevertheless, they are still true.  So to the unknown author of this wisdom I say-Bravo!

Show Your Support For Obama or Hillary

May 12, 2008

With the election so soon and affecting all Americans–I was sent an email that is intended to bring us all together.  I felt I should share it will all of you.

Stay Safe and May God Bless America

There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will
decide the next President of the United States.

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the
Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let’s all
get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our
choice.  It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with
your headlights on during the day.     If you support Obama or Hillary,
please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your Support!

Have a Great Monday!

-Murphy

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Having a Bad Day? Hakuna Mattata

May 9, 2008

It is Friday!  Are you having a bad day, week, month, year?  Are things not going well?  Finances, relationships, work, friends, family…

At least you aren’t this guy:

His day is not progessing perfectly.  But if you are in the category of folks having a bad day let me suggest a few things that can brighten you up.

1.  You are still alive.

2.  You live in a Country that at least until January 20, 2009 remains free.

3.  Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continue to bash each other making it less likely with each passing day that either will be elected.

4. It’s baseball season.

5. Napa Valley predicts that domestic wine will drop in price because the tighter economy requires that luxury items decrease in price to maintain good sales.

6. The New Indiana Jones Movie will be out in 2 weeks.

7.  Candy companies continue to make more and more products with Dark Chocolate.

8.  “Caveman” did not get renewed for a 2nd season.

9.  Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream-nuff said.

10.  And you aren’t this guy either:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.

She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm – Taken from a Florida Newspaper

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

-Murphy

Stupid Is As Stupid Does–Its All Global Warming Brotha!

May 7, 2008

So we have survived another “super” Tuesday.  Hillary is now further behind but the remaining states–although not big ones–all are heavy Clinton States.  West Virginia, Kentucky, Puerto Rico (is that a State?) South Dakota and others all have extremely low African American resident numbers which bodes well for Hillary.  So she will stay in and continue to divide the party and the two of them can continue to bash each other.  Thank you Rush Limbaugh for “Operation Kaos”–it seems to be working.  But it appears that the messiah of change is set to be the next Democratic nominee–hold on to your wallets folks.

But, like you, I’m soooooooo very tired of the election.  So let’s look at some other idiots in the news besides Obama and Hillary for a moment.

So..back to my beloved State of Texas.  Charles Ray Fuller, a Fort Worth resident attempted to cash this check for $360 billion.  Charles–no doubt a future murderer (after all–all great murderers have a middle name of Ray) explained that his girlfriend’s mother had loaned him the money to start a recording business.  The bank was “suspicious” of the check.  Ya think?  He was charged with forgery as well as possession of marijuana and a concealed weapon.  So he goes into a bank with a gun, some pot and a forged check for $360.  I’m thinking the pot was left over from the hour or so before he went in.  Idiot!

In Seattle, PETA is offering a $2000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the person(s) shooting pigeons with a blow gun.  This one is a trooper though, depsite the piercing he continues to fly around dropping poop all over cars and sidewalks.   Hey PETA–for your information,  three human diseases are known to be associated with pigeon droppings: histoplasmosis, cryptococcosis, and psittacosis.

Well, what are those?  Histoplasmosis is a fungus in the droppings that when breathed causes fever, headaches and fatigue.  It can be very bad for people with compromised immune systems from cancer treatment or AIDS.   Cryptococcosis is similar but mainly is a danger for HIV/AIDS patients because of compromised immune systems.  Psittacosis is similar, much more rare–but can lead to pneumonia–and likely will since it is rarely diagnosed properly.  So…maybe blow guns is not the answer–but I’ll give $2000 to the person that can “safely” drive them out of downtown Houston.  Three years ago, on my way to Court, one hit my shoulder on my very nice blue suit.  If I had been carrying a blow gun…

And finally…

It only took a few days, but Al Gore has declared that the deadly Cyclone in Myanmar is a “consequence” of global warming. Nevermind that the coastal areas of Myanmar (formerly Burma) have a mean yearly temperature of 90 degrees.  Nevermind that the coastal waters there are warm year round.  Nevermind that Cyclones are caused in part by warm water and low pressure (which means cooler atmospheric temperatures–yes cooler) that collide to form the swirling winds.  Nevermind that it lies in the monsoon region of South Asia which receives heavy rainfall every year.  Nevermind that it rests between the Tropic of Cancer and the Equator where cyclones typically form.  Nevermind that EVERY year cyclones cross the Indian Ocean between December and May.  But I’m sure, Mr. Gore, that global warming is at fault.

Here are 10 other things caused by Global Warming:

1.  My Inability To Excel In Sports.  I simply get too hot and tired and therefore cannot produce the hits, runs, baskets, or touchdowns I might be able to if I was just a little cooler.

2.  High Gas Prices.  See if the ice caps weren’t melting then we wouldn’t all be paniced which is causing “BIG OIL” to screw us — oh and Bush too.

3. Demise of Our Moral Culture.  See if it was cooler, then 12-16 year old girls wouldn’t be able to wear short shorts and drooping necklines because it wouldn’t be justified.  But since they are so dadgum hot all the time, they have to dress like Las Vegas call girls.

4. McCain Loosing in the Fall.  Rich eltist racist republicans won’t go out in the heat and come November it will still be hot in most states because of the .000001 degree rise in temperature this year.

5. Rockets Basketball Loosing to Utah in the First Round.  The Rockets would have obviously won had they not had to play games this time of year with the heat and humidity caused by El Nino or something.

6. The Subprime Mortgage Crisis.  Had the temperature remained cooler, people would have been more comfortable and therefore would have taken their time and read the ridiculous loan packages they were signing.  Then “cooler heads” would have prevailed and they would not have entered into ARM mortgages that ballooned in interest in 5 years causing massive foreclosures.

7.  The Split in the Democratic Party.  But for global warming, democrats wouldn’t be whipped into a racial/gender frenzy and would have obviously voted for Hillary and put her in her rightful place on the throne.

8. Obesity-(truly)–see prior post.

9. Surge in Fatal Shark Attacks.  Really?–See article

Yeesh–its worse than I thought.

and finally the last thing that has been affected by Global Warming…

10.  Dramatic Decrease in Woodlice.  See article.  It’s sad but true.  The beloved Wood Lice are dying in Ireland and Great Britain due to global warming.  These lovable little creatures may soon be gone forever:

Of course, I’m sure that advances in pesticides (many of which market themselves as being able to kill wood lice) have nothing to do with the decreased number of these animals.  No, its your SUV you selfish son of a gun that is killing these poor creatures.

If I wake up in a world with decreased wood lice and sharks coming through the roof of my nearly foreclosed on subprime mortgaged home, then why should I even get out of bed?

-Murphy

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