Texas: Okay, I’m a life-long Texan. Yes, I’m “one of those.” I think Texas is big enough, strong enough and wealthy enough to be its own Country–and in fact–at one time it was. In fact, did you know that the Texas Flag is the only State flag that can be flown at the same height as the US Flag? That is because Texas was once a Republic. After all, 2 out of the 12 years of school in Texas, a child is taught “Texas History” during history class—the entire year! We love our State, we are proud to be here and we wouldn’t live anywhere else.
But…
It seems that Texas continually acts as the stage for ridiculous events that always end up as TV movies with parts played by Farrah Faucet, and that woman from Who’s the Boss? We’ve had Waco, Cheerleader Moms, Moms drowning kids, wives running over their husbands with SUV’s, racially based horrific murders, and the Texans football team. Part of this is because Texas is so dadgum big. Part of this is because Texas is so diverse. And now, instead of Utah, the logical place for this kind of shennanigans, Texas is once again spotlighted for the strange and bizarre.
This morning the Early show interviewed some of the Men from the Polygamist compound in Texas–and let me tell you, the interview was mesmerizing. I mean look at them–they are very charasmatic individuals.
The guy in the middle actually said that some of the “members” didn’t know that it was illegal to have sex with a girl under the age of 17 if you are an adult but that they are rethinking that now in light of this new revelation on the law. Well good for you buddy–welcome to the last 500 years.
This entire thing is just too weird. Now we have the state of Texas taking all of these children and putting them in foster care–because that has never been a system filled with abuse. And the moms continue to appear in public like this:
So what is the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints? Well, sorry Obama–it is not a gun-toting group of people clutching to religion because of their disenchanment with the Bush administration. No, it is a split from the mainstream Morman church that renounced polygamy a while ago.
It was run by this guy:
Warren Jeffs. But of course, he resigned in November 2007 after spending years on the FBI’s top 10 most wanted list and finally getting sentenced to 10 years in prison for–you won’t believe it—two counts of being an accomplice to rape. I know–shocking. He is known for making the following quote: “The black race is the people through which the devil has always been able to bring evil unto the earth.”
Nice Guy–Obama–I would not spend any campaign money on these guys–just a little FYI for ya.
What is really funny to me is how this organization makes its money–according to Wikipedia (the obvious source of all things accurate)–they have sold airplane components to the …. United State Government… (ha ha ha) from 1998 to 2007 and made well over $1.7 million in that time period.
So what are some other things you may not know about the polygamist sect in Texas? Well our team of reporters has investigated the scene and determined the following facts few knew about these wonderful people:
1. All kids younger than 17 are also their own Grandpa.
2. Laura Ashley has her own booth at the compound.
3. Men have reported increased stress due primarily to dinner decisions. When asking his wives where they would like to go to eat–all of them say “it doesn’t matter” which he knows is a freakin’ lie.
4. Women have reported depression due to their combined husband finally blowing and telling all of them that “Yes, you look fat in that dress.”
5. Oddly, the only movie star to “come out against the Government” so far regarding the raid is Woody Allen.
6. Kids like to tell stories about their superhero, Morman Man, who flies around the world trying to find the most gullible women and bring them back to be abused and enslaved.
7. The compound is saddened each year because they are not allowed to participate in an El Dorado annual event called the Running of the Bull. This event’s purpose is celebrating the “gift of gab.” (El Dorado is soooo exciting).
8. Many of the women in the Sect actually stop having babies at 35. Why? Because 36 is just too many.
9. They have cool rules like this one: After you bathe, don’t admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
Not a problem–I never admire myself in the mirror either before or after I bathe. I do take long showers though–but that is because I typically fall asleep in there because I’m nearly 40. I’m not sure why you have to get out of the bathroom so quickly–but none of my kids want to see me running around the house in a towel.
and finally,
10. They all secretly hate the Osmonds.
Well, I’m with ya there brotha!
-Murphy