For weeks we keep hearing stories of how we are in a recession or heading to a recession. I have tried to be the dutiful conservative and deny the truth of these horrible predictions and allegations but I cannot hide behind my wall of optimism any longer. Hillary and Obama are right–we are in a recession. Obama blames Bush for his tax cuts causing a recession, Hillary proposed a $70 billion dollar stimulus package (what does she know about stimulus?). But maybe they are right.
How do we know? Is $3-$4 gas enough to realize we are in a recession? How about the housing market and sub-prime mortgages and foreclosures? I think the way you know is by looking at the news. Here is my proof that a recession is actually going on:
1. People Stealing From God On Easter
Apparently, in Connecticut the recession has hit so hard that a man decided to steal rain gutters from a Church during Easter services. If you are willing to test the durability of your soul by stealing from a Church on Easter weekend–then you must be a victim of a recession.
2. Children Deciding On Crime As An Alternative
In Palm Beach, Florida a couple of children who were apparently “Left Behind” decided that since there is no future employment for them in a recession filled world they would begin a life of crime early. So in their brilliance they decided to rob a police station. But of course, if it wasn’t for the failed policies of the Bush Administration, and the obvious failure of the No Child Left Behind Act-none of this would have happened. Don’t go blaming the parents–it takes a village you know.
3. Detroit Still Sucks
No I’m not talking about the Lions or the Tigers (or the bears oh my!) or even the Red Wings. No I’m talking about the city of Detroit. It is awful. In January it was ONCE AGAIN ranked as the most miserable city in America. And of course, as the “motor city” continues to stink all signs point to a recession. NO it’s not the failed mega-taxes of the State of Michigan both State wide and locally, no it isn’t the inability of GM to compete with foreign made cars, no it isn’t the liberal mayor or the lack of any incentive for big business to go there–no it’s because of Bush. After all, how many cars has he bought since becoming President? Probably none. And of course, Detroit has a large minority population and we know from Katrina that Bush hates African Americans so do the fuzzy math.
4. Saw V and Saw VI
So Hollywood, in light of the current suicidal mood of our Nation since we are in a recession, has decided to allow Lionsgate to film Saw V and Saw VI as back to back sequels. Obviously this is a strong indicator that we are in a recession. See, because of Bush and the economic polices of failure, we would rather be hacked up by strange devices and games set in motion by a psychotic killer than go to work each day to earn less than we need to survive. Therefore, movies like this are appealling, even though we cannot possibly afford to go see them. Instead we go to Manhattan and find a dealer selling bootleg DVD’s for $5 and then we watch it at home on a TV that doesn’t have digital capabilities and will thus be obsolete in a year. Oh the humanity.
So, take heart, you are correct that we are in fact in a recession. I apologize for being an optimist at any time in the past and promise to be as negative as possible so that I can do my part to contribute to the downturn of our economy and our Nation. My first act of pessimism–I’ll cast a vote for Ralph Nader. (ha-kidding)