How About Social Security-Oh, We Have to Investigate Clemens

I listened with great anticipation as our esteemed congressmen questioned Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee about the use of Human Growth Hormones.  It was great theater as both men stuck to their previous stories with vigor and determination.  As I sat listening I thought about the role of Congress in the United States.

Here is a little quote from a document some may call “important”:

Section 8. The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, to pay the debts and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States; but all duties, imposts and excises shall be uniform throughout the United States;

To borrow money on the credit of the United States;

To regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes;

To establish a uniform rule of naturalization, and uniform laws on the subject of bankruptcies throughout the United States;

To coin money, regulate the value thereof, and of foreign coin, and fix the standard of weights and measures;

To provide for the punishment of counterfeiting the securities and current coin of the United States;

To establish post offices and post roads;

To promote the progress of science and useful arts, by securing for limited times to authors and inventors the exclusive right to their respective writings and discoveries;

To constitute tribunals inferior to the Supreme Court;

To define and punish piracies and felonies committed on the high seas, and offenses against the law of nations;

To declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water;

To raise and support armies, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for a longer term than two years;

To provide and maintain a navy;

To make rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces;

To provide for calling forth the militia to execute the laws of the union, suppress insurrections and repel invasions;

To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the militia, and for governing such part of them as may be employed in the service of the United States, reserving to the states respectively, the appointment of the officers, and the authority of training the militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress;

To exercise exclusive legislation in all cases whatsoever, over such District (not exceeding ten miles square) as may, by cession of particular states, and the acceptance of Congress, become the seat of the government of the United States, and to exercise like authority over all places purchased by the consent of the legislature of the state in which the same shall be, for the erection of forts, magazines, arsenals, dockyards, and other needful buildings;–And

To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this Constitution in the government of the United States, or in any department or officer thereof.

Now I’m no constitutional expert mind you–but I don’t see where Congress will regulate the use of human growth hormones in major league baseball.  Maybe it is contained within the clause “general welfare of the United States.”

I know, I know–there was some anti-trust ruling and the Government allowed baseball a monopoly and that is why they feel they have the right to regulate it–blah, blah, blah–but frankly, I did not elect politicians to conduct hearings to determine whether or not a career liar is telling the truth or whether a baseball player is telling the truth.  I have always liked Roger Clemens–he was a superstar at the University of Texas, I have a signed baseball card from his earlier days, I paid to see him play when he was with Houston–but whether he did drugs or not–I frankly don’t know and am trying hard not to care.  If he did, then he will go into the disgrace pile with the likes of Bonds, Canseco, McGwire (you know he did) and others–and that will be sad for him, sad for his kids and sad for the game–but the effect it will have on the continuation of the administration of our Government—well—I just don’t see it.

For example, while money is being spent for Waxman and others to prove what great lawyers they are and grandstand for the American public, what is going on with our surveillance legislation?  What is going on with Social Security?  What are we doing to stem the tide of illegal immigrants coming across Texas, California, Washington, Minnesota, Maine, etc…?  What are we doing to bring about an end to the war in Iraq?  Not enough if we are spending one dime on this garbage.

But—trying to see everything half full—there is a bright side.  After all-as long as Congress is occupied with scandals that are irrelevant to the general public–they can’t be passing legislation to further tax our gas, our alcohol, our fatty foods and our income.  So for that Waxman, I am grateful.

While you are at it–I would like to call hearings to investigate the following other pressing and very important issues of our time.

1.  Is the “Mickey” kid from Life Cereal Commercials actually dead?

For years I’ve heard mixed reports that he committed suicide, that he is running a casino, that he is living in a commune in northern California.  The best is that he ate poprocks, drank a coke and died.  I think we need to get to the bottom of this immediately.  Congress–step it up!

2.  Why do some people have a rubber suit fetish?

I know I’m an intollerant bigot–at least that is what one commentator said about my transgender post.  But putting that aside–I really don’t get this one–I want to understand, actually I don’t–this is weird–it needs to be investigated.  I would start with witnesses like Barney Frank, Michael Jackson and that weird guy in Pulp Fiction.

3.  Why Did NBC Cancel Journeyman and Studio 60?

Both of these shows rocked.  Both had awesome storylines, great writing, creative acting.  Both were cancelled in the first season.  And yet, in the 1980’s this idiotic show made it for 5 YEARS!!! 

Seriously!!!  I think there is a conspiracy to keep good television off the air.  Congress–you know what to do.

4.  Why did the Giants win the SuperBowl?

Poor Tom–he was supposed to win again.  He was supposed to have a 19-0 season.  But you know Don Shula is still alive and I think there is something amiss here.  Something that should be investigated.  After all, Eli is good, but he is no Tom Brady.  So Congress, I would bring back the entire undefeated Miami Dolphin team in for questioning about their activities and whereabouts the week leading up to the big game and during the game itself.  This hearing could take weeks and would likely end in a 890 page report that says absolutely nothing.  The bigger problem though is that when you search “superbowl” in Goggle Images–the first image is Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake taken right when the wardrobe malfunction occurred.  Yech!

Well, I think that ought to keep our boys and girl in Washington busy for a while–by the time they are done, we will have some new terrorist attacks to grieve over, no more social security, a bankrupt budget but at least the beekeepers will get ther subsidy.  And that will at least make Jerry Seinfeld happy.

-Murphy

Explore posts in the same categories: Baseball, Current Events, funny, Government, Humor, Life, News, Politics, Satire, Thoughts on the World

10 Comments on “How About Social Security-Oh, We Have to Investigate Clemens”

  1. kristiane Says:

    Dude. Don’t knock Alf. I was a kid when that was out and it was a sitcom with a stuffed animal. So Therefore I loved it.

  2. Nigel Says:

    I’m with Kristiane…you want to get on my bad side…just begin casting aspersion on ALF. I loved that show.

    But seriously…about the Clemens thing. I had no problem with the tools on Capitol Hill getting involved here. Yeah, most of them were up there grandstanding. But here’s a few points:

    1. Steroid abuse is a serious problem. Perhaps we shouldn’t care as much about professional athletes and the integrity of the game…but there are thousands of teenagers who are now taking steroids to improve their athletic prospects and physiques.

    2. Roger Clemens did not have to appear before Congress. He was not subpoenaed…he appeared voluntarily. It was his (and his dirtbag lawyer’s…and I say that knowing that it’s possible you may even know Rusty) strategy to “clear his name”. I think it backfired.

    3. The argument of “doesn’t Congress have anything better to do” doesn’t fly with me. I have heard this from both sides of the political spectrum. Major League Baseball is a $100 Billion industry that is being run very poorly. Not from a profit standpoint mind you…but from an integrity standpoint. I am a pure capitalist so I don’t want government getting their hands into too much, but drug use is another issue with me.

    Should Congress have spent time on this? Yes. To say they have “better things to do” is like saying they can’t walk and chew gum at the same time (well…bad example because we all know most of those dolts can’t). There are 435 members of Congress. If 20 of them want to bring light to this situation on one day…big deal. It’s not like the entire House and Senate got involved.

    But having said that…most of the committee embarassed themsleves. It reminded me of what my Grandfather used to tell me…”It’s better to be quiet and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” That 5 hours could have been cut down to about 20 minutes…let both McNamee and Clemens have their say….then ask just a couple of questions:

    “Mr. McNamee…did you inject Roger Clemens with steroids?”

    (Ans: Yes)

    “Mr. Clemens…did Mr. McNamee ever inject you with steroids?”

    (Ans: No)

    “Thank you for your testimony under oath today. One of you has just committed perjury. The matter will now be turned over to the DOJ for investigation. Have a nice day.”

  3. Jenn Says:

    Sorry, it still doesn’t fly with me. The gov should not have their noses in business. And that is what Baseballs is.

    Now, Alf was funny. Come on.

  4. mklasing Says:

    Kristianne: Sorry about the Alf thing–but seriously it was not “must see TV” was it?

    Nigel: I agree with you on many fronts here–but this is the kind of thing about our Government that scares the begeebees out of me. The government allows baseball a monopoly and then as a result begins to regulate it. It is still a private enterprise run by citizens–it should be dealt with internally–which it finally is. This is a micro-picture of what the dems want government to be like–intrusion into every aspect of our lives. I especially agree with your final comment–but of course, this was TV and each congressman had to grandstand for their political well-being–blah, blah, blah.

    Jenn: Alf was not funny. 😉 Okay–maybe a little funny–but not much more than The Muppet Show.

  5. Stacy Says:

    ALF is unanimous then. I was going to accost you as well. I mean how can you not love an alien that’s always trying to eat your cat?

  6. pistolpete Says:

    I had the rather unfortunate fortune to be sick in bed the day of the Clemens/McNamee hearings. What really got me was how certain Congressional folk would rail against the hearings themselves, yet go on for their alloted time attempting to prove how smart and concerned they are. I would have loved to have some Congressman stand up and say, “I’m going to use my alloted time listing all the ways we are wasting your money.”

  7. Tom Paine Says:

    You bastard. I read thisClemens entry at the office and started laughing out loud when I got to the part about investigating Mikey. Busted. Regarding the rubber suit fetish, I think a more important question that DEMANDS investigation is Furries. Because dammit I want Change.

    • Sinthoid Says:

      I can see artistic value in the latex fetish.. but Tom who posted above me is right. Furries just creep me out.

  8. Lazlo Toth Says:

    I guess I’m less disturbed by the fact that you’re “intollerant” and more disturbed by the fact you’re illlliterate.

    • mklasing Says:

      I guess I’m less disturbed by your insult and more disturbed by the fact that your email is “psychwar@gmail.com”


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