Scientology-The Way to Keep The Democrats Out of Office.
There has been so much blogging material the last week from the election–so much that blogs have just about exploded with tapes of Bill yelling, Bill sleeping, Hillary squalking, Obama smiling, McCain being “humble” and Guiliani drowning. There has to be a way out of this mess–a way out of this constant insanity.
Where can I look to find the answers to peace, harmony, contentment, satisfaction—I started searching the Internet for answers and then I thought, “Hey self-you keep making fun of people like Tom Cruise–but you don’t know anything about Scientology–maybe you should check it out.” I then told ‘self’ that he must be smoking crack-but I checked in the mirror-and no rapid weight loss and I haven’t abandonded my job, family and all reality–so I must not be on crack.
So I checked it out…so you wouldn’t have to…
Scientology: according to its website, the word means “the study of truth.” Funny, I thought it meant “the study of science” but I suppose English wasn’t my strongest class. “Scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life.” Now we are getting somewhere–I want to handle the spirit–but of course, only in relationship to itself (what the freak does that mean?), others and all of life (even the little biddy birdies?).
The website continues…
“Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime.” Okay-I’m jiggy with that.
” His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized — and those capabilities can be realized.” Now this is cool–does this mean I can make myself invisible? I’ve always thought that would be a cool super-power. What about teleportation? If I could combine the two then I could invisibly teleport myself to wherever Bin Laden is and shoot him in the back of the head and teleport back in time for the season opener of Lost. Awesome! But I digress…
” He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability.” This kind of sounds like what some “friends” of mine would say when they wanted me to try pot—which I declined. I do want to solve my own problems, accomplish my goals and gain lasting happiness–I’m good with just those–but bonus time–if you order now you also get “higher states of awareness and ability” absolutely free. Will that mean I will be like the Wonder Twins?
I’ll be able to shift myself into the shape of a hawk or a block of ice to defeat my enemies? That would be cool. I could freak the jury out in Court and say, “Objection Your Honor, Shape of Mist” and float near the jury and whisper-“no negligence, no negligence.'”
I’ve always wanted to be able to pitch a baseball at 100mph–just for one year, make a couple of million, win the Cy Young award and then go back to the practice of law. This is really starting to sound like the religion for me…
“In Scientology no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith.” Well now that makes it easy–because faith can be so frustrating–like I have faith that the refrigerator light will always come on when I open the door–but I’m always afraid it won’t. With Scientology I won’t have to worry about such things.
Now comes the real apex of their “belief” system: (or “thought” system since belief is not part of it)
” That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true. An individual discovers for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing results. ”
Now this might explain Mr. Cruise’s arrogant, self-righteous behavior.
Because I suppose what is “true” for him is that he is a conceited, self-righteous, arrogant, human buttocks. And therefore—he has become his own “truth” You know something is scarry about a religion that even Germany has considered banning. I mean GERMANY! Wow!
But as I ponder this upcoming election I started thinking–if I was a Scientologist I could achieve new accomplishments and abilities and I could make up my own truth, er, I mean, Discover my “own” truth and then make it true. This is fabulous. No more accountability or personal responsibility because whatever is true for me–well–then it is true.
So IF I were a Scientologist, here would be the “truths” that would be true for me and therefore must actually be TRUE:
1. It is True for me and therefore True that: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are actually having an affiar and when it comes out the Democrats are left with no viable candidate.
2. It is True for me and therefore True that: John Edwards is actually and American Girl doll.
This Scientology stuff is better than cheese grits!
3. It is True for me and therefore True that: Bill Clinton isn’t real–he is actually the Great Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead.
Why have I been wasting my time at the Baptist Church? Okay a few more…
4. It is True for me and therefore True that: Ted Kennedy loves to dance ballet in a pink tutu.
Okay-I don’t want to make Tom mad by having too many truths so only one more…
5. It is True for me and therefore True that: I am 23 years old and ripped.
Thank you Tom, thank you John Travolta, thank you Kirstie Alley, thank you Priscilla Presley, thank you Juliette Lewis, thank you Sony Bono.
I’m going to go celebrate by eating 40 lbs of dark chocolate–oh don’t worry-in my truth, dark chocolate is the fountain of youth, cures all forms of disease and actually reduces weight and builds muscles–I love Scientology.