The Marriage Reformation-Tradition/Schlamition

Since the Republican YouTube debate, the issue of gay marriage has appeared back on the headlines.  Time to look at our traditional marriage situation and decide whether it is time for a change.  I mean after all, marriage is a VERY old notion.  I think it was Genesis where the first marriage occurred.  That was between a man and a woman-how quaint.  But now, we have the world asking the question–Why can’t I marry who or whatever I want?  Let’s try and answer this question.

First-here are what the Democrats are saying: (These quotes taken from except for some possible additions to Dennis Kucinich’s)

Barack Obama–Although Barack Obama has said that he supports civil unions, he is against gay marriage. In an interview with the Chicago Daily Tribune, Obama said, “I’m a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.”

There Barack goes playing that “tradition” card.  Well, he is obviously looking backwards, how about Hillary?

Hillary Clinton  Clinton opposes gay marriage but supports civil unions between members of the same sex. During her husband’s administration, she supported the Defense of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same-sex marriage.  “Marriage has got historic, religious and moral content that goes back to the beginning of time, and I think a marriage is as a marriage always has been, between a man and a woman.” – Hillary Clinton, opposing same-sex marriages, quoted in The New York Daily News.  However, in October 2006 Hillary Clinton was quoted by as saying,”I believe in full equality of benefits, nothing left out. From my perspective there is a greater likelihood of us getting to that point in civil unions or domestic partnerships and that is my very considered assessment.”

So she sort-of played the “tradition” card, then she was against it before she was for it.  Wha???  How about Dennis Kucinich?

Dennis Kucinich “Kucinich goes further than supporting civil unions for same-sex couples at the state level; he believes that, much like Civil Rights legislation of the 1960s, federal law should protect civil unions, and that no state has a right to abridge basic rights to privacy. ” On his website Dennis Kucinich says, “On May 17th, 2004, the 50th anniversary of the decision in Brown vs. the Board of Education that declared “separate” is not “equal,” the people of the state of Massachusetts became a part of another such moment in history when the legally empowered and legally protected right of civil marriage is finally extended to all citizens, regardless of gender. The decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court to recognize and uphold this civil right is a victory not just for gay and lesbian citizens who have been denied their civil rights and relegated to second-class status. It is a victory for all Americans who believe, as I do, that the promise of the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights should be upheld for everyone.  Further, I wholeheartedly support any marriage between a citizen of Earth and a citizen of Yendor in the Galgana Galaxy–their species is so cute.”

Apparently, Dennis is on board to allow all kinds of marriage–in fact he even pretends that the Constitution and Bill of Rights says something about it.  Cool.  How about the Breck girl?

John Edwards  Edwards opposes same-sex marriage, but he does not think the Constitution should be amended to define marriage as between a man and a woman. He supports civil unions.  On 2/24/04 Edwards said in response to President Bush’s proposed Constitutional amendment, “I am against the president’s constitutional amendment on gay marriage…I don’t personally support gay marriage myself. My position has always been that it’s for the states to decide.” Edwards supports the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act.

So Edwards would rather the Government not get involved in this ONE AND ONLY area of our lives–but that is it–every other area–okay, but not this ONE AREA.  (Nice cop-out).

onemanonewoman.jpeg  So what is the answer?  “Once we have abandoned the concept of marriage as the union of a man and a woman, [we] will have no principled basis for rejecting polygamy – or any form of sexual involvement,” explained Princeton Law Professor Robert George.  That is one opinion.  Many say that we are heading down a path of destroying the family which forms the basis of our Country.

But I have a different question today–what about those of us who love in an even different way?  If we are going to redefine marriage, it seems only fair to redefine it completely.  Since the divorce rate is now 1 in 1.8 marriages we are obviously failing.  I think it is because people are no longer marrying their “best friends.”  They are marrying for the wrong reasons.  As a man, I can only write from the male perspective on this–for those who think this path is really not sliding down to the ridiculous take a look at this:

 (viewer discretion is advised<–pretend that this is said in that creepy voice from “24”)

P. Selvakumar places a garland on Selvi, a former stray dog, during their wedding in Manamadurai, India, Nov. 11. Selvakumar said he thinks he was cursed for stoning two other dogs to death and wed Selvi in an atonement attempt.

Man Marries Dog

Don’t you dare judge poor P.  He and Selvi are on honeymoon in the Purina Valley taking tours of dog food factories and having a ball in the tasting rooms.  If you think about it, P. may have something (except an actual first name).

Here are the ways that dogs might make a better spouse than humans:

  • Dogs don’t cry

  • Dogs love it when your friends come over

  • Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo

  • Dogs think you sing great

  • A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink

  • Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs

  • Dogs don’t notice if you call them another dog’s name

  • Dogs are excited by rough play

  • Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away

  • Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair

  • Anyone can get a good looking dog

  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it

  • Dogs don’t shop

  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor

  • Dogs never need to examine the relationship

  • A dog’s parents never visit

  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions

  • When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it

  • Dogs like beer

  • Dogs don’t hate their bodies

  • Dogs never criticize

  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

  • Dogs never expect gifts

  • Dogs don’t worry about germs

  • Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve had

  • Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives

  • You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready to go 24 hours a day

  • Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry

  • Dogs don’t borrow your shirts

  • Dogs never want foot rubs

  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public

  • Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk

  • Dogs can’t talk

  • Dogs seldom outlive you

and for the women:

  • Dogs always think you’re smart and don’t make fun of your shortcomings

  • Dogs are willing to sleep on a rug and fetch on command

  • Dogs spend less time worrying about hair loss

  • Old buddies don’t show up on doorstep unexpectedly

  • Dogs are utterly disinterested in professional sports

  • Your parents find them easier to like

  • Dogs are rarely jealous of your former boyfriends

  • Dogs are willing to hold your purse in public

  • Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play

  • Dogs don’t complain when you want to go for a walk

  • Dogs are willing to eat anything you put on their plate and will always want more

  • Dogs tend to bath themselves daily, men must be encouraged to do so

  • You can put a dog in a crate when you don’t feel like having it around

  • Dogs expect to go outside on leashes… men think they can do everything on their own

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

  • Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

  • Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

  • Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.

  • Dogs don’t criticize your friends.

  • Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

  • Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

  • Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.

  • Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.

  • You can train a dog.

  • Dogs are easy to buy for.

  • Dogs are good with kids.

  • Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

  • You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.

  • Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.

  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
    (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

  • Dogs understand what NO means.

  • Dogs don’t need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

  • Dogs don’t make a practice of killing their own species.

  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

  • Dogs do not read at the table.

  • You can house train a dog.

  • You can force a dog to take a bath.

  • Dogs don’t correct your stories.

  • Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

  • Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.

  • Dogs aren’t threatened by two women with short hair.

  • Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.

  • Dogs love to dance

  • Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.

  • Dogs admit it when they’re lost.

  • Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.

  • Dogs look at your eyes.

  • Dogs like your size.

  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

  • Dogs take care of their own needs.

  • Dogs are color blind.

  • Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.

  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.

  • Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

  • Dogs don’t care how you dress.

 Well, I think the Republicans need to look seriously at this–a good first step would be to announce immediately that their running mate, should he be elected in the primary will be one of the following:

 or maybe   or maybe  or maybe

 Here are the reasons: 

1.  No one will call the dog “Darth Vader”

2.  No one will say, “Where has the VP been”  because he will always be in the yard.

3.  The VP debate will be about 2 minutes long.  Hands down the dog will win.

4.  Everyone loves dogs–if they don’t then they should be shot anyway.

5. He can run an effective puppet regime with whoever the President is.

So come on America–let’s vote to change marriage–no longer just between a man and a woman but let’s pass the “P. Amendment” and allow marriage between a person and a dog.  Then if you marry someone like this no one will know the difference:


Explore posts in the same categories: 1, Current Events, Democrats, Family, funny, Humor, Life, News, Politics, Satire, Thoughts on the World

One Comment on “The Marriage Reformation-Tradition/Schlamition”

  1. Me Says:

    Wow … you are just beyond stupid man.

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