The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 7: The END of The Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis

Well it had to happen sooner or later–the silly citizens of the US have gotten themselves in a bind over sub-prime mortgages and since we are soooooo stupid, the Government (our loving father and mother) has decided that we have been punished long enough.  Today, our Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson (admit it–you didn’t know until just now who that was–neither did I) stated that banks are “close to a deal” to rewrite loans that are set to increase in interest next year to try and stop the massive amount of foreclosures expected.

See, what happened here is that people were given an option to purchase a home (sometimes that they could not afford) and get a great interest rate for a few years that would increase later when their income (wishful thinking) would also increase to handle the additional payments.  The weird thing is that the borrowers in these cases all received documents that explain everything–including how their interest rate would increase over time.  Also, the ultimate decision to buy a house that they could not afford—was theirs since they signed the contracts.  But as we know, we simply cannot take care of ourselves. 

Since the Government is considering some form of socialistic law or buyout to help those who made these decisions and are about to lose their home, I propose that the Congress pass sweeping legislation to help all of us out of stupid decisions.

I would call the act “THE FREEDOM FROM CONSEQUENCES ACT OF 2007” Here are my ideas:

1.  THE ALL NIGHT BENDER

  Under this section of the bill it should say:  “In all cases where a person (as defined herein) decides to drink beverages that contain alcohol in such quantity and in such a short span of time as to constitute what people call an “all night bender” then should that person do any of the following they will receive an amount of money equal to what they spent to obtain, destroy such items or the amount it would take to correct such purchases or activities, whichever is greater:

a.  Lip, Tongue, Belly or “privates” piercings

b. Tatoos

c.  Destruction of Property (including, but not limited to, sheetrock from fist punching, lamps, or rugs with vomit stains)

d. Contraction of illness or disease

e. Any form of destruction to an automobile, truck, lightpole or fence.

f. Things said to known persons in excessive hatred or imagined love (this would likely result in reimbursement for therapy and anti-anxiety medication)

2.  CREDIT CARD RELIEF

  Under this section of the bill it should say:  “In all cases where a person (as defined herein) has decided, despite their income, to use their credit cards to make excessive purchases (as defined below), that person will receive full release from all interest rates charged on their credit cards, an extension of future credit for use on future purchases and, in cases of extreme gluttony, full relief from the purchases themselves.  “Excessive purchases” would include, but not be limited to the following:

a.  More than 50 Webkins dolls

b. A TV larger than 51″ that is either plasma or LCD

c. 2 trips to Starbucks each day for coffee that when ordered takes at least 4 words to say (i.e. ‘Grande, Sugar-Free, Vanilla, Breve, Latte)

d. An Xbox360 obtained for the sole purpose of being able to play Halo 3.

e.  Any Star Wars Collectibles

f.  KC Lights for your Truck

g. All purchases at Sam’s Club

h. Memberships in Wine Clubs

3.  MARRIAGE AND KIDS

    Under this section of the bill it should say: “In all cases where a person (as defined herein) gets married or has kids or both and discovers it was a horrible mistake then that person will receive a free divorce and a full refund for any and all costs associated with having a bad child.  For purposes of this section “Horrible Mistake” is defined as marrying any of the following:

a.  A person to replace your mother

b. A sibling or cousin (for Arkansas only) (Louisiana can apply for this before a review committee)

c. Anyone who during the dating period uttered the words “You complete me”

d. A person that thinks a fun night begins by dressing up like an Ummpa Loompa.

e. Anyone related to the Clintons, Kennedys, Pelosi’s or a citizen from France.

4. HAIRCUTS

    Finally, in this section it should say:  “In the event that a person (as defined herein) purchases a bad haircut, that person will be entitled to a full refund from the Government.  The person must send a picture of said haircut with their refund request.  This refund does not apply to John Edwards,  or any person who purposely gets a mullet because even the Government can’t help you.

 Finally, “Person” for purposes of this act is defined as anyone who was born into the United States with a sense of entitlement, anyone who is naturally selfish, anyone who believes that they are standing still while the Earth revolves around their awesome presence, or anyone who believes that they are just too stupid to breathe without a little help from Uncle Sam.

-Murphy

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12 Comments on “The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 7: The END of The Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis”

  1. Stacy Says:

    That was perhaps, in the top 10 list of funniest things I’ve ever read in my life. I do believe my eyes are starting to tear up.

  2. mklasing Says:

    Now you are being too kind. My eyes teared up today when I found out my tax dollars might bail some idiot out of a stupid home purchase decision. In fact, I’m still crying.

  3. Stacy Says:

    Our tax dollars not only bail them out, but they support criminals, drug addicts and illegal immigrants. My it’s a grand country.

  4. mklasing Says:

    When you said drug addicts and illegal immigrants did you mean to say “and” or did you mean to say “like”? Ha (ok all you illegals–don’t send hate mail–oh yeah you can’t read this)

  5. Stacy Says:

    ¡ ¡Viva la migra!!

  6. keywork. Says:

    ther you go people, demonizing the addicts and illegals. careful, some people find humor not so humorous at all.

  7. mklasing Says:

    True–Ian wouldn’t like this at all. But of course I’m kidding, there are many illegal immigrants here that are not breaking the law–oh wait, actually if they are here illegally they are ALL breaking the law. Okay so then what I mean is …. um… Hmmm, kind of hit a wall on this one.

  8. keywork. Says:

    you sure that wasn’t the border?

  9. mklasing Says:

    I’m sure because they haven’t built a wall there yet–unfortunately.

  10. keywork. Says:

    maybe it was a methodone clinic.

  11. mklasing Says:

    HA–use of the word “clinic” is funny. But yes, I think you are correct on that guess.

  12. keywork. Says:

    you know what isn’t funny, Murph? my spelling errors this week. M E T H A D O N E. but yes, use of the word “clinic” was amusing.


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