Archive for December 2007

New Year’s Resolutions-A Recipe For Depression

December 28, 2007

I suppose it is that time of year that we are all going to sit down and make our list of New Year’s Resolutions.  People do this every year–that is why memberships to fitness clubs and Weight Watchers sky rockets in December and January and then tails off by March.  We all go into a new year saying some or all of the following:

“I am going to lose X pounds this year.”

“I am going to get on a regular exercise routine”

“I am going to get organized”
“I am going to get a girl/boyfriend”

“I am going to blah, blah, blah…..”

And then when it doesn’t happen we get depressed, feel bad about ourselves and give up.  Don’t get me wrong, I think setting goals is a great idea–but we tend to set too many unrealistic goals this time of year that we can never fulfill in a lifetime, much less a year.  According to articles on the subject, only 10% of people actually accomplish half of their new years’ resolutions.  So what are we to do as we enter 2008?  We should set some goals.  My suggestion-make some New Year’s resoultions that you know you can keep.  Then in December 2008, check them off and reflect on what a great year it has been for you.  Here is my list of New Year’s Resolutions I Know I Can Keep.

1.

wonder-sauna-hot-pants.jpeg  I will resist the obvious temptation to purchase or ever wear and Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.

2.

20070814141609990001.gif I will try not to wrap my face in duct tape and rob a bank.

3.

20071106141709990005.gif I will not have 17 children-because I am not a gazillionaire and I am not insane.

4.

20071106141809990007.gif  I will once and for all abandon my foolish dream of strapping 100 balloons to a chair and floating off to a high mountain peak leading to my ultimate and untimely death.

5.

20071212174709990063.gif  I will stop bringing my horse to work.

6.

20070914152309990012.gif  I will stop playing silly pranks on the pope.

7.

20070705203809990001.gif I will stop trying to break World records that will only bring shame and humiliation to my family and everyone I know.

8.

20071212174809990035.gif I will try and respect my neighbor more and stop unleashing my pet leopard on him (her?).

9.

20070827165509990055.gif  I will never again lay naked on a glacier to prove an irrelevant point that I still don’t get.  Brrrrrrrrr.

10.

20071212173809990036.gif  And finally–I will continue to support our President (even when I disagree or am slightly disturbed by him) and will vote Republican in the fall.

Well-I hope I can make it.  This list is a little ominous but I think with determination, old fashioned grit and hard work and of course–lots of focus—I will be able to check off all 10 next December.

Happy New Year–see ya next week with more Hillary/Obama bashing and fun stories about the zany things those silly democrats do.

-Murphy

What Christmas Means to Me–Surrender (and I don’t mean the song by Cheap Trick)

December 21, 2007
 It’s time to shut down the sarcasm, the satire, the political democrat hate speech and reflect on the time of year we find ourselves in.  This post will not be like any other–I hope you will read it anyway.  First I want to thank everyone who has visited this site in the 3 months it has been up.  It has been steadily growing and I am loving it.  First and foremost I want to thank Laurie Kendrick who has been helpful, generous of her ideas and her pictures, supportive and has cheerleaded my efforts.  Laurie-Thank you for being such a friend, having never actually met me–it has meant more than you know.  You know us guys–we need encouragement and support.  Second, thanks to the regular readers who have commented and participated and inspired me to go forward–CrushLiberalism, Kristiane, Nigel and others.  Finally, thanks to PistolPete–whose site inspired the rest of this post.  Pistol–your site has inspired me each time I read it and I’ve loved getting to know you a little this year.  

Now, I’ll put away the forced saracasm and satire and just be me for a few lines while I explain what I believe the real meaning of Christmas is all about.  (if your a hater-stop reading).

 

Clearly Christmas marks the birth of Jesus–simple.  That is the reason the holiday exists–but that is not why I believe it is celebrated.  It is more than simply a birthday for our Saviour–because the question is not “Who is Jesus?” or “When Did He live?”–the question is “What does it have to do with me?”  We spend numerous days throughout the year celebrating birthdays–our own, our family, kids, friends, neighbors, neighborhood kids, cousins, co-workers, etc…  Why do we celebrate those days–for ourself because we need an excuse sometimes to have a get together with friends and family or to chug a really good margarita.  For our family–well, it is our duty.  For our friends–duty and excuse to get together.  Co-workers–because we work with them.  But why celebrate the birthday of a man who lived 2000 years ago that you have never met face to face?  Hmmmmm….starts to make you ask–“What does this have to do with me?” 

 Maybe, like some birthdays, it is simply an excuse to get together with family and friends and have some egg nog, divinity (blech!) and sugar cookies.  Maybe as a child it was one of the only really happy times you remember so you celebrate those moments from your past.  Maybe because Jesus has real significance in your life.  Maybe because it reminds you of the one thing you did or still need to do to really, truly live….Surrender.

Surrender is a word that we hate in our society because it means giving up control, losing your grip on something, not being in charge of your own “destiny.”  Surrender means you lost the war, you waved the white flag, you gave up, you quit, you are a loser.  I’m not talking about that kind of surrender.

Walk with me for a moment–why did Jesus come?  God’s people blew it when there were no laws, no commandments and no rules and so he sent the flood and wiped them out–all except for one family that “walked with God”–Noah.  Then the next generation of Earth-bound humans worshipped idols and lived lives of evil and so God sent his law to Moses.  Time passed and humans took those laws and created a set of rules and regulations around them and used those rules to gain power over the masses.  The political rulers were also the religious rulers and they “used” the Word of God to wield power in an evil way.  Once again the world was headed to ruin–away from the very Being that had created them and everything they knew.  God knew that we were and are all imperfect people and since He is perfect He could not look upon imperfection.  The reality is that no matter how hard any of us try, we can never be perfect, and therefore never be back in union with God.  So–it would appear—that humans were doomed again…

God, however, loved us so much, in spite of the fact that we were completely sinful and selfish and unable see the need for a Creator, that instead of wiping us out again he came down on Earth and dwelt with us (Emmanuel-means “God with us”)–not to enforce the rules but to build a bridge between us and Him.  Jesus is the bridge–but unlike a bridge you can walk on, He grabs us and brings us to the other side–but not without us asking Him too first.  He stands ready to take us across–but first we have to believe He will actually take us.  You see, Jesus came to save us from ourselves and from eternal separation from our Creator.  Since we couldn’t do it ourselves, Jesus came and paid the ultimate penalty in place of all of us so that we could be with God.  But there is one simple step we have to take first….Surrender.

The way to God is not through the 10 commandments.  The way is not memorizing a set of rules and regulations and perfecting your ability to follow them–if you try that—you will fail—every single day–I do.

The way to God is not through some self-imagined mediation technique or psychadelic drug or out of body experience–if you could reach him that easily we would have little need for Him at all.

We have to Surrender.   The moment Jesus died the Bible says that the veil was torn–that veil was the covering that separated man from God–it was the set of rules and regulations that kept man from God because now the way to God is simply through surrendering.

Jesus came on Christmas so that we could turn from our lives of selfishness and self-interest and evil doing and simply surrender our lives to Him.  Jesus said that for a man to gain life he must lose it–wha???  Simply put–if you want to experience true Joy this Christmas and every one following–the kind of Joy that allows you to smile when your extended family is driving you to the point of creating your own special family jihad and blowing eveyone away; the kind of Joy that lets you smile when your gifts stink but your siblings get IPods and cars; the kind of Joy that lets you not get mad that your parents have guilt-tripped you into having Christmas at their house—again.  If you want that kind of Joy–simply surrender to Him because here is the bonus–He wants to give you the best possible life He can.  It doesn’t mean you will always be happy, it doesn’t mean you will always have money and stuff and be healthy–but through all the World throws at you–you can experience Joy simply in knowing Him. 

Surrender,” therefore, is a gift.  Why wouldn’t we want the Creator to run our lives instead of us?  What works better–for the potter to control the shape and form of the clay or for the clay to spin by itself and attempt to shape its own form?  We all know that when the potter’s hands come off the clay the clay spins apart and flings against the wall–ever feel like that?  The reason surrender is a gift is because God loves us so much that his desire for us is to experience Joy–so He, in His perfect plan for our lives will guide us through this broken world if we will just simply surrender the plan to Him. 

The real gift at Christmas is that God made a way for us to take the burden of living with ourselves and our horrible inadequacies off our own back and place that burden in the manager instead.  That little baby gladly takes that burden from you and replaces it with Joy, Contentment, Love and Peace.  In exchange for those gifts He only asks that you Love Him and desire to know Him.  All the yuck in your life will take care of itself once you surrender yourself to Him.  We didn’t earn His Love nor do we deserve it–yet He gives it to us anyway.  It isn’t easy–you have to surrender daily because you are after all human–and your real desire is to take back the reins and control your own path.  Believe me–sometimes you have to surrender many times a day.

This Christmas let me make one suggestion—surrender all of your plans, hopes, and especially your expectations for this Holiday Season to the One that we are celebrating.  Let Him give you peace and rest and relaxation this year–things with your family and friends may not go as you hope or expect so surrender those things to Him and experience the joy of a God who loves us so much He would rather die on a cross than see us perish.

At Christmas in particular, we could all use some Love and Peace and sometimes to get Peace-you have to Surrender.  If you never have–read the book of John–read it like you would read any other book and see the life that our God lived on Earth–it is truly amazing, then ask yourself–“Why am I trying to live in this broken world all by myself?”  The answer is–because you haven’t seen the Joy that truly exists in surrendering.  This Christmas–seek out that Joy–I promise it is there.

God Bless you all-Have a Wonderful Merry Christmas!

-Murphy

The Truth About Michael Jackson’s Changing Appearance Finally Revealed!

December 18, 2007

NEWS FLASH:

 This just in—the staff at Murphy Klasing’s Conservative Blog have uncovered evidence of a truth that has baffled the United States since the mid-1980’s.

 As Michael Jackson continues to change his appearance, many have wondered what he was REALLY trying to do.  Was he trying to look white, was he trying to look like LaToya Jackson, was he making himself into his own wax figure?  Investigators have tried and tried to figure this out but to no avail.

 Well the mystery is over.  After this recent picture of Michael was revealed our team uncovered the truth.  Here is the recent photo:

jacko2_npg_full.jpeg  What is he doing?

He is trying to become…

Are you ready for this?

Scroll a little more:

  Jackie Kennedy!

Poor little derranged Michael!

Instead of Taxing Babies, How About Taxing CapriSun?

December 17, 2007

 

Well if taxing babies wasn’t enough, now I read that San Francisco, that hotbed of conservatism, is considering a tax on sugary drinks.  The story reads as follows:

SAN FRANCISCO (KCBS)  — For years, the idea of taxing soda to beat back obesity has been tossed around in medical circles. But now, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom is proposing a tax on beverages high in fructose corn syrup.   Newsom says obesity accounts for tens of millions of dollars in city health care costs. He cites a recent San Francisco Health Department survey that found nearly a quarter of the city’s 5th, 7th and 9th graders were overweight and that high sugar drinks make up a tenth of a kid’s daily calorie count.  Newsom reportedly wants all big box retailers and chain drug stores to pay into his new “Shape up San Francisco” program, which started this past summer with a walking regimen.  This comes as the state of California is considering slapping caffeine-infused sodas, and energy drinks with warning labels, saying consumption can contribute to diabetes.

Obviously, in San Francisco, the mayor cares more about the little children than do their own parents.  I mean isn’t that the message here–if you parents aren’t going to quit allowing your child to drink Capri Sun then by golly we will just tax you until you comply.

Taxes like this always amuse me because we all know how Government works–here is the order:

1.  Create a shiny new, fun and exciting tax.

2.  Create a beauracracy to collect and enforce the shiny new tax.

3.  Use the tax to pay for the beauracracy.

4.  Realize you have some money left over–jump for joy, payoff your lobbyists and then…

5. Create a new and wonderful entitlement program that will be funded by the leftovers from the shiny new tax.

I like to call this the cycle of bull.  See, first the mayor says, “I just want to save the children by punishing the evil parents who buy junk food and the evil companies who make it.”  Then, after about 3 minutes, the 5 steps are put in place and completed–suddenly the Government now NEEDS people to continue to buy more and more sugary foods so that they will pay the taxes so that the new entitlement program can be funded.  Can you spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-S-Y ?

For a lengthly list of what products this law might include see the Accidental Hedonists Blog Article.  Much to my horror, some of my favorites are on the list like Starbucks Frappacino  (blech!).

 This mayor is being way to “conservative” in his thought process though.  If he wants to tax things that harm children, he shouldn’t stop there.  I think he should tax the following items as well because after all–we need to protect the children!

1.    Any parent who allows a child to see one of his movies should be taxed–and Pee-Wee should be taxed himself.

2.   Any parent who allows their child to visit Neverland Ranch should be taxed and Michael should be taxed himself.

3.   This product should be taxed.  Everytime I see a kid eat this within minutes the kid starts to shake from the intensity of the sugar. 

4. Lindsay should be taxed for being bad for kids.  See–kids see this:

  and then they think she is so cool and then they google her and see this:

5.  Just the concerts are harmful–to parents first because the tickets are impossible to get and after being online for an hour trying to wedge into a ticketmaster site to buy 2 tickets and ultimately being booted off the system only to face the sad teary eyed mug of your young daughter, the parents are so stressed that they have to go to therapy–that, of course, ultimately leads to being told that all of your anxiety comes from your childhood and the fact that your mother abandoned you emotionally which, of course, leads to heavy medications, the cost of which is not covered by your employer’s cheap-butt health insurance plan, which of course, leads to less money to spend on healthy things for your kids like carrots and granola.  So let’s tax Hannah. 

6.    Yep, let’s just tax Gavin Newsom–let’s make him pay a tax everytime he opens his liberal, government expanding grill.  Let’s tax him for suggesting ideas of how people’s lives can be controlled by his brilliant vision of the future.  Thank you Father Newsom for protecting all the little children from Sprite and Capri Sun and Kool-Aid because we all know that in San Francisco, our children will fare much better if they drink less sugar and instead, get outside and enjoy a wholesome parade like this one from last summer:

-(Apparently we need to tax skinny balloons and male make-up)

The True Meaning of Christmas Part II-More Gifts

December 14, 2007

As stated in part I, below are more gift ideas for the holidays but beware–we have determined the actual thoughts behind the giver of these gifts and the receiver as well.  We try so hard to find the perfect gift–or do we?  These secret thoughts, now revealed for the first time, let us know whether these gifts are such a good idea or not.

1.  THE HARRY POTTER WAND

Giver:  “I just know that my best friend’s son Billy will love this–he is such a Harry Potter fan.  He and his buddies can play zap ’em and stuff”

Receiver:  “I suppose that mom’s friend thinks I’m a super-sonic, atomic, mega-dork…I wonder if it really works?”

2.  A DICTIONARY

Giver:  “I simply hate buying stuff for my neighbor’s kid.”

Receiver:  “This Christmas sucks so bad, like I need a flipping Dicshunairy”

3.  A PUZZLE

Giver:  “Oh, when I was in high school, I loved coming home and putting together a good puzzle.  I’m sure Darrel will love it.”

Receiver:  “Awesome, last time I did a puzzle I had to be rushed to the hospital because I lapsed into a coma brought on by BOREDOM!”

4.  EXERCISE VIDEOS

Giver:  “My sister is always saying how she wants to get in shape–I love this series myself.”

Receiver:  “Well I see my easy size 2 sister is once again giving me a gift in front of everyone to point out the fact that she is better, slimmer and smarter than I am–Merry #(*$(#$& Christmas!”

5.  PERSONAL CLEANSING ITEMS

Handi-Cleanse Personal Bidet

“The Handi-Cleanse Personal Hygiene System is a hand held bidet sprayer. This product attaches to any standard tank toilet and no plumber is required to set it up.”

If you give this gift to someone–you are obviously begging to be hated for all eternity.  I think the product says it all.

More to come….

-Murphy

The True Meaning of Christmas—Gifts.

December 12, 2007

I have decided to take a break from my ongoing series on why the Government should Control our Lives (Chapter 8 after the Holidays) and instead bring you the true meaning of Christmas gifts.  These are the thoughts that form the basis of the gifts we buy.  Much goes into holiday shopping–who to buy for, what to buy, how much to spend and ultimately we find the gift, we wrap it, and present it.  Then when it is opened the person receiving it usually has a reaction internally.  The brain sends a chemical response to the nerve center and you immediately have a thought–that thought is the truth behind your reaction to the gift.  Below are some holiday gift ideas and the thoughts of both the one buying the gift and the one opening it.  Enjoy:

1. THE CANDY CANE

Giver:  “Dangit Grandma–I have no idea what to freaking get you–so here is some Christmas candy.”

Receiver: “Great, my 8th box of candy canes, maybe in the retirement home I can glue them all along my living room wall as wallpaper.  You’d think my daughter would’ve taught her son better about buying gifts.”

2.  THE RUBBER BAND BALL

Giver:  “I failed out of college and can barely hold down a job, like I really have money to buy gifts for my overachieving kid brother.”

Receiver:  “My brother is a loser.”

3. GIFTS YOU KNITTED

Giver:  “I hate shopping, the malls, the crowds, the people, in fact, I haven’t left my home since 1982 and my nephew could always use a good hat.”

Receiver:  “Why won’t Aunt Loretta take 5 minutes and look at a current fashion catalogue?  I look like I’m about to pull a turkey out of the oven with my head.”

4. SPAM

Giver:  “Won’t mom think this is a hoot?”

Receiver:  “Well that confirms it, my son hates me.”

5. ROADSIDE JAMS AND JELLIES

Giver:  “Crap, I forgot to buy something for my kids teachers–stop here at this roadside fruit stand and I’ll see if they have some ‘homemade’ jelly.”

Receiver:  “I wish my students would just gather together their money and buy me one gift card to Macy’s.  This is the 50th jar of Jelly in 3 years.”

I’ll have more shopping ideas for you later–only 13 days left and only 12 shopping days left so you better get busy.

-Murphy

Time To Tax The Babies–Put Down That Rattle and Pay Up!

December 11, 2007

Thank heaven for Australia.  Without that little island we would be without so much.  Here are some little known facts about Austrailia.  In 1856 they were the first place in the world to have secret ballot elections.  In 1894 they were the first place in the world to give women the right to vote.  They are the only country to attend every modern Olympic games.  They inveted the bionic ear, flexible wine casks, boomerangs, the Notepad, the electric drill, postage stamps, the first “bathing beauty contest” (in 1920), the automatic letter sorting maching, the two stroke lawn mower and best of all…Latex gloves. 

And now, at the forefront of modern history, on the edge of innovation and ingenuity, they have come up with a brilliant idea to help achieve Al Gore’s vision of the World.  A World where we don’t burn fuel, or exhale or burp or use hairspray or freon or any other modern convenience.   The Australians have decided to tax babies to save our planet.  Yes, that’s right–babies–those little mooching, slobbering, dependent, whiny piles of human fat barely formed into a recognizable human–babies.

The article above states that couples with more than 2 children “should be charged a lifelong tax to offset their extra offspring’s carbon dioxide emissions”  according to a medical expert.  The report in an Austrailian medical journal (yes a MEDICAL journal) says that parents should be “charged $5000 a head for every child after their second AND an annual tax of up to $800.” 

Here at Murphy’s Conservative Blog we have found an exclusive picture of the doctor who authored this article:

  Here he is preparing the altar of healing for a poor woman who believes she is the virgin Mary.  The potion will help extract the baby blue blanket from her body and reveal that she is in fact not the virgin Mary but instead is:

gyrrjdcao272bccadrlwpgcaszbmzrca0kxdtocax81ud2ca0wssjyca5hblbzca6q0al3caqhldsrcaw4qxg3ca6n5lvmcaqs1wybcae2kvv5ca82hbr9cao1ideacam8v52rcaqne0gmcawjmqyucailjy42.jpeg Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

 In any event, the good doctor continues and states that “couple who were sterilized would be eligible for carbon credits.”  Which is a nice bonus to the old snip-snip don’t you think.  I recently used my carbon credits to purchase a giant poster of a windbag:

  It is hanging in my room with ticky-tack made of carbon fuel emissions.  I’m soooo doing my part.

 An Austrialian obstetrician named Barry Walters said that “Every family choosing to have more than a defined number of children should be charged a carbon tax that would fund the planting of enough trees to offset the carbon cost generated by a new human being.”

He is so right–for example, when my third child was born I noticed that he used up 8-10 diapers a day in the first month.  Each time filing it with a mixture of substances that smelled a little like death on a stick.  I felt so bad about putting those bags of filth outside that I paid my neighbor some money as a way of seeking forgiveness for the extra carbon load.  Oddly though, the tree next to the trash can grew 3 feet that month.  Hmmmmm….

“As citizens of the world, I believe we deserve no more population concessions than those in India or China.”  says Professor Walters.    Good take Prof–in China there is rampant forced abortion and infanticide.  So I guess that is what would be considered a “population concession.”

Garry Eggers, director of the NSW Centre for Health Promotion and Research, agreed with the call, saying former treasurer Peter Costello’s request for three children per family – “one for mum, one for dad and one for the country” – was too single-minded.   He thinks this debate should be “reopened as part of a second ecological revolution.”  I missed the first–dang it–sequels are never any good when you miss the original.

I have 3 kids so I guess I’d be subject to this tax if I was there.  But really this is a sexist move on the part of Austrailia–everyone knows that boys emit WAY more carbon than girls so it is not fair for girls to be assessed the same tax.  Although, girls do spend a lot more on personal grooming devices and creams etc… that may impact the environment. 

 Since I was suspicious of this article I thought it best to find the other authors and see why they might be so biased.

Here is Gary Eggers:

 19.jpeg  He has spent 29 years with Gearhart Chevrolet.  Founded by Frank C. Gearhart in 1929, Gearhart is one of America’s longest-established dealerships.  It is located in Denville, New Jersey.   I find it odd that a car dealer from Jersey would also be the director of the NSW Centre for Health Promotion and Research–but I’m betting the real Garry Eggers is as qualified as this fine man here to handle such a post.

Since this is likely NOT the actual Garry Eggers from Austrailia I kept looking…Finally I found him–it was hard because he is kind of camera shy but here he is the Director himself:

  He was quoted as saying, “Two babies is plenty, it is impossible to imagine someone having 3 babies, each worthy of citizenship in Austrailia.  After all, we invented the boomerrang!”

-Let me make a suggestion–I’ll give each contributor to the article cited above $5000 if they turn in their respective licenses and shut up for the rest of their natural lives.  That should reduce carbon emissions so much that every tree in Austrailia will die.

-Murphy