Archive for December 2007

New Year’s Resolutions-A Recipe For Depression

December 28, 2007

I suppose it is that time of year that we are all going to sit down and make our list of New Year’s Resolutions.  People do this every year–that is why memberships to fitness clubs and Weight Watchers sky rockets in December and January and then tails off by March.  We all go into a new year saying some or all of the following:

“I am going to lose X pounds this year.”

“I am going to get on a regular exercise routine”

“I am going to get organized”
“I am going to get a girl/boyfriend”

“I am going to blah, blah, blah…..”

And then when it doesn’t happen we get depressed, feel bad about ourselves and give up.  Don’t get me wrong, I think setting goals is a great idea–but we tend to set too many unrealistic goals this time of year that we can never fulfill in a lifetime, much less a year.  According to articles on the subject, only 10% of people actually accomplish half of their new years’ resolutions.  So what are we to do as we enter 2008?  We should set some goals.  My suggestion-make some New Year’s resoultions that you know you can keep.  Then in December 2008, check them off and reflect on what a great year it has been for you.  Here is my list of New Year’s Resolutions I Know I Can Keep.

1.

wonder-sauna-hot-pants.jpeg  I will resist the obvious temptation to purchase or ever wear and Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.

2.

20070814141609990001.gif I will try not to wrap my face in duct tape and rob a bank.

3.

20071106141709990005.gif I will not have 17 children-because I am not a gazillionaire and I am not insane.

4.

20071106141809990007.gif  I will once and for all abandon my foolish dream of strapping 100 balloons to a chair and floating off to a high mountain peak leading to my ultimate and untimely death.

5.

20071212174709990063.gif  I will stop bringing my horse to work.

6.

20070914152309990012.gif  I will stop playing silly pranks on the pope.

7.

20070705203809990001.gif I will stop trying to break World records that will only bring shame and humiliation to my family and everyone I know.

8.

20071212174809990035.gif I will try and respect my neighbor more and stop unleashing my pet leopard on him (her?).

9.

20070827165509990055.gif  I will never again lay naked on a glacier to prove an irrelevant point that I still don’t get.  Brrrrrrrrr.

10.

20071212173809990036.gif  And finally–I will continue to support our President (even when I disagree or am slightly disturbed by him) and will vote Republican in the fall.

Well-I hope I can make it.  This list is a little ominous but I think with determination, old fashioned grit and hard work and of course–lots of focus—I will be able to check off all 10 next December.

Happy New Year–see ya next week with more Hillary/Obama bashing and fun stories about the zany things those silly democrats do.

-Murphy

What Christmas Means to Me–Surrender (and I don’t mean the song by Cheap Trick)

December 21, 2007
 It’s time to shut down the sarcasm, the satire, the political democrat hate speech and reflect on the time of year we find ourselves in.  This post will not be like any other–I hope you will read it anyway.  First I want to thank everyone who has visited this site in the 3 months it has been up.  It has been steadily growing and I am loving it.  First and foremost I want to thank Laurie Kendrick who has been helpful, generous of her ideas and her pictures, supportive and has cheerleaded my efforts.  Laurie-Thank you for being such a friend, having never actually met me–it has meant more than you know.  You know us guys–we need encouragement and support.  Second, thanks to the regular readers who have commented and participated and inspired me to go forward–CrushLiberalism, Kristiane, Nigel and others.  Finally, thanks to PistolPete–whose site inspired the rest of this post.  Pistol–your site has inspired me each time I read it and I’ve loved getting to know you a little this year.  

Now, I’ll put away the forced saracasm and satire and just be me for a few lines while I explain what I believe the real meaning of Christmas is all about.  (if your a hater-stop reading).

 

Clearly Christmas marks the birth of Jesus–simple.  That is the reason the holiday exists–but that is not why I believe it is celebrated.  It is more than simply a birthday for our Saviour–because the question is not “Who is Jesus?” or “When Did He live?”–the question is “What does it have to do with me?”  We spend numerous days throughout the year celebrating birthdays–our own, our family, kids, friends, neighbors, neighborhood kids, cousins, co-workers, etc…  Why do we celebrate those days–for ourself because we need an excuse sometimes to have a get together with friends and family or to chug a really good margarita.  For our family–well, it is our duty.  For our friends–duty and excuse to get together.  Co-workers–because we work with them.  But why celebrate the birthday of a man who lived 2000 years ago that you have never met face to face?  Hmmmmm….starts to make you ask–“What does this have to do with me?” 

 Maybe, like some birthdays, it is simply an excuse to get together with family and friends and have some egg nog, divinity (blech!) and sugar cookies.  Maybe as a child it was one of the only really happy times you remember so you celebrate those moments from your past.  Maybe because Jesus has real significance in your life.  Maybe because it reminds you of the one thing you did or still need to do to really, truly live….Surrender.

Surrender is a word that we hate in our society because it means giving up control, losing your grip on something, not being in charge of your own “destiny.”  Surrender means you lost the war, you waved the white flag, you gave up, you quit, you are a loser.  I’m not talking about that kind of surrender.

Walk with me for a moment–why did Jesus come?  God’s people blew it when there were no laws, no commandments and no rules and so he sent the flood and wiped them out–all except for one family that “walked with God”–Noah.  Then the next generation of Earth-bound humans worshipped idols and lived lives of evil and so God sent his law to Moses.  Time passed and humans took those laws and created a set of rules and regulations around them and used those rules to gain power over the masses.  The political rulers were also the religious rulers and they “used” the Word of God to wield power in an evil way.  Once again the world was headed to ruin–away from the very Being that had created them and everything they knew.  God knew that we were and are all imperfect people and since He is perfect He could not look upon imperfection.  The reality is that no matter how hard any of us try, we can never be perfect, and therefore never be back in union with God.  So–it would appear—that humans were doomed again…

God, however, loved us so much, in spite of the fact that we were completely sinful and selfish and unable see the need for a Creator, that instead of wiping us out again he came down on Earth and dwelt with us (Emmanuel-means “God with us”)–not to enforce the rules but to build a bridge between us and Him.  Jesus is the bridge–but unlike a bridge you can walk on, He grabs us and brings us to the other side–but not without us asking Him too first.  He stands ready to take us across–but first we have to believe He will actually take us.  You see, Jesus came to save us from ourselves and from eternal separation from our Creator.  Since we couldn’t do it ourselves, Jesus came and paid the ultimate penalty in place of all of us so that we could be with God.  But there is one simple step we have to take first….Surrender.

The way to God is not through the 10 commandments.  The way is not memorizing a set of rules and regulations and perfecting your ability to follow them–if you try that—you will fail—every single day–I do.

The way to God is not through some self-imagined mediation technique or psychadelic drug or out of body experience–if you could reach him that easily we would have little need for Him at all.

We have to Surrender.   The moment Jesus died the Bible says that the veil was torn–that veil was the covering that separated man from God–it was the set of rules and regulations that kept man from God because now the way to God is simply through surrendering.

Jesus came on Christmas so that we could turn from our lives of selfishness and self-interest and evil doing and simply surrender our lives to Him.  Jesus said that for a man to gain life he must lose it–wha???  Simply put–if you want to experience true Joy this Christmas and every one following–the kind of Joy that allows you to smile when your extended family is driving you to the point of creating your own special family jihad and blowing eveyone away; the kind of Joy that lets you smile when your gifts stink but your siblings get IPods and cars; the kind of Joy that lets you not get mad that your parents have guilt-tripped you into having Christmas at their house—again.  If you want that kind of Joy–simply surrender to Him because here is the bonus–He wants to give you the best possible life He can.  It doesn’t mean you will always be happy, it doesn’t mean you will always have money and stuff and be healthy–but through all the World throws at you–you can experience Joy simply in knowing Him. 

Surrender,” therefore, is a gift.  Why wouldn’t we want the Creator to run our lives instead of us?  What works better–for the potter to control the shape and form of the clay or for the clay to spin by itself and attempt to shape its own form?  We all know that when the potter’s hands come off the clay the clay spins apart and flings against the wall–ever feel like that?  The reason surrender is a gift is because God loves us so much that his desire for us is to experience Joy–so He, in His perfect plan for our lives will guide us through this broken world if we will just simply surrender the plan to Him. 

The real gift at Christmas is that God made a way for us to take the burden of living with ourselves and our horrible inadequacies off our own back and place that burden in the manager instead.  That little baby gladly takes that burden from you and replaces it with Joy, Contentment, Love and Peace.  In exchange for those gifts He only asks that you Love Him and desire to know Him.  All the yuck in your life will take care of itself once you surrender yourself to Him.  We didn’t earn His Love nor do we deserve it–yet He gives it to us anyway.  It isn’t easy–you have to surrender daily because you are after all human–and your real desire is to take back the reins and control your own path.  Believe me–sometimes you have to surrender many times a day.

This Christmas let me make one suggestion—surrender all of your plans, hopes, and especially your expectations for this Holiday Season to the One that we are celebrating.  Let Him give you peace and rest and relaxation this year–things with your family and friends may not go as you hope or expect so surrender those things to Him and experience the joy of a God who loves us so much He would rather die on a cross than see us perish.

At Christmas in particular, we could all use some Love and Peace and sometimes to get Peace-you have to Surrender.  If you never have–read the book of John–read it like you would read any other book and see the life that our God lived on Earth–it is truly amazing, then ask yourself–“Why am I trying to live in this broken world all by myself?”  The answer is–because you haven’t seen the Joy that truly exists in surrendering.  This Christmas–seek out that Joy–I promise it is there.

God Bless you all-Have a Wonderful Merry Christmas!

-Murphy

The Truth About Michael Jackson’s Changing Appearance Finally Revealed!

December 18, 2007

NEWS FLASH:

 This just in—the staff at Murphy Klasing’s Conservative Blog have uncovered evidence of a truth that has baffled the United States since the mid-1980’s.

 As Michael Jackson continues to change his appearance, many have wondered what he was REALLY trying to do.  Was he trying to look white, was he trying to look like LaToya Jackson, was he making himself into his own wax figure?  Investigators have tried and tried to figure this out but to no avail.

 Well the mystery is over.  After this recent picture of Michael was revealed our team uncovered the truth.  Here is the recent photo:

jacko2_npg_full.jpeg  What is he doing?

He is trying to become…

Are you ready for this?

Scroll a little more:

  Jackie Kennedy!

Poor little derranged Michael!

Instead of Taxing Babies, How About Taxing CapriSun?

December 17, 2007

 

Well if taxing babies wasn’t enough, now I read that San Francisco, that hotbed of conservatism, is considering a tax on sugary drinks.  The story reads as follows:

SAN FRANCISCO (KCBS)  — For years, the idea of taxing soda to beat back obesity has been tossed around in medical circles. But now, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom is proposing a tax on beverages high in fructose corn syrup.   Newsom says obesity accounts for tens of millions of dollars in city health care costs. He cites a recent San Francisco Health Department survey that found nearly a quarter of the city’s 5th, 7th and 9th graders were overweight and that high sugar drinks make up a tenth of a kid’s daily calorie count.  Newsom reportedly wants all big box retailers and chain drug stores to pay into his new “Shape up San Francisco” program, which started this past summer with a walking regimen.  This comes as the state of California is considering slapping caffeine-infused sodas, and energy drinks with warning labels, saying consumption can contribute to diabetes.

Obviously, in San Francisco, the mayor cares more about the little children than do their own parents.  I mean isn’t that the message here–if you parents aren’t going to quit allowing your child to drink Capri Sun then by golly we will just tax you until you comply.

Taxes like this always amuse me because we all know how Government works–here is the order:

1.  Create a shiny new, fun and exciting tax.

2.  Create a beauracracy to collect and enforce the shiny new tax.

3.  Use the tax to pay for the beauracracy.

4.  Realize you have some money left over–jump for joy, payoff your lobbyists and then…

5. Create a new and wonderful entitlement program that will be funded by the leftovers from the shiny new tax.

I like to call this the cycle of bull.  See, first the mayor says, “I just want to save the children by punishing the evil parents who buy junk food and the evil companies who make it.”  Then, after about 3 minutes, the 5 steps are put in place and completed–suddenly the Government now NEEDS people to continue to buy more and more sugary foods so that they will pay the taxes so that the new entitlement program can be funded.  Can you spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-S-Y ?

For a lengthly list of what products this law might include see the Accidental Hedonists Blog Article.  Much to my horror, some of my favorites are on the list like Starbucks Frappacino  (blech!).

 This mayor is being way to “conservative” in his thought process though.  If he wants to tax things that harm children, he shouldn’t stop there.  I think he should tax the following items as well because after all–we need to protect the children!

1.    Any parent who allows a child to see one of his movies should be taxed–and Pee-Wee should be taxed himself.

2.   Any parent who allows their child to visit Neverland Ranch should be taxed and Michael should be taxed himself.

3.   This product should be taxed.  Everytime I see a kid eat this within minutes the kid starts to shake from the intensity of the sugar. 

4. Lindsay should be taxed for being bad for kids.  See–kids see this:

  and then they think she is so cool and then they google her and see this:

5.  Just the concerts are harmful–to parents first because the tickets are impossible to get and after being online for an hour trying to wedge into a ticketmaster site to buy 2 tickets and ultimately being booted off the system only to face the sad teary eyed mug of your young daughter, the parents are so stressed that they have to go to therapy–that, of course, ultimately leads to being told that all of your anxiety comes from your childhood and the fact that your mother abandoned you emotionally which, of course, leads to heavy medications, the cost of which is not covered by your employer’s cheap-butt health insurance plan, which of course, leads to less money to spend on healthy things for your kids like carrots and granola.  So let’s tax Hannah. 

6.    Yep, let’s just tax Gavin Newsom–let’s make him pay a tax everytime he opens his liberal, government expanding grill.  Let’s tax him for suggesting ideas of how people’s lives can be controlled by his brilliant vision of the future.  Thank you Father Newsom for protecting all the little children from Sprite and Capri Sun and Kool-Aid because we all know that in San Francisco, our children will fare much better if they drink less sugar and instead, get outside and enjoy a wholesome parade like this one from last summer:

-(Apparently we need to tax skinny balloons and male make-up)

The True Meaning of Christmas Part II-More Gifts

December 14, 2007

As stated in part I, below are more gift ideas for the holidays but beware–we have determined the actual thoughts behind the giver of these gifts and the receiver as well.  We try so hard to find the perfect gift–or do we?  These secret thoughts, now revealed for the first time, let us know whether these gifts are such a good idea or not.

1.  THE HARRY POTTER WAND

Giver:  “I just know that my best friend’s son Billy will love this–he is such a Harry Potter fan.  He and his buddies can play zap ’em and stuff”

Receiver:  “I suppose that mom’s friend thinks I’m a super-sonic, atomic, mega-dork…I wonder if it really works?”

2.  A DICTIONARY

Giver:  “I simply hate buying stuff for my neighbor’s kid.”

Receiver:  “This Christmas sucks so bad, like I need a flipping Dicshunairy”

3.  A PUZZLE

Giver:  “Oh, when I was in high school, I loved coming home and putting together a good puzzle.  I’m sure Darrel will love it.”

Receiver:  “Awesome, last time I did a puzzle I had to be rushed to the hospital because I lapsed into a coma brought on by BOREDOM!”

4.  EXERCISE VIDEOS

Giver:  “My sister is always saying how she wants to get in shape–I love this series myself.”

Receiver:  “Well I see my easy size 2 sister is once again giving me a gift in front of everyone to point out the fact that she is better, slimmer and smarter than I am–Merry #(*$(#$& Christmas!”

5.  PERSONAL CLEANSING ITEMS

Handi-Cleanse Personal Bidet

“The Handi-Cleanse Personal Hygiene System is a hand held bidet sprayer. This product attaches to any standard tank toilet and no plumber is required to set it up.”

If you give this gift to someone–you are obviously begging to be hated for all eternity.  I think the product says it all.

More to come….

-Murphy

The True Meaning of Christmas—Gifts.

December 12, 2007

I have decided to take a break from my ongoing series on why the Government should Control our Lives (Chapter 8 after the Holidays) and instead bring you the true meaning of Christmas gifts.  These are the thoughts that form the basis of the gifts we buy.  Much goes into holiday shopping–who to buy for, what to buy, how much to spend and ultimately we find the gift, we wrap it, and present it.  Then when it is opened the person receiving it usually has a reaction internally.  The brain sends a chemical response to the nerve center and you immediately have a thought–that thought is the truth behind your reaction to the gift.  Below are some holiday gift ideas and the thoughts of both the one buying the gift and the one opening it.  Enjoy:

1. THE CANDY CANE

Giver:  “Dangit Grandma–I have no idea what to freaking get you–so here is some Christmas candy.”

Receiver: “Great, my 8th box of candy canes, maybe in the retirement home I can glue them all along my living room wall as wallpaper.  You’d think my daughter would’ve taught her son better about buying gifts.”

2.  THE RUBBER BAND BALL

Giver:  “I failed out of college and can barely hold down a job, like I really have money to buy gifts for my overachieving kid brother.”

Receiver:  “My brother is a loser.”

3. GIFTS YOU KNITTED

Giver:  “I hate shopping, the malls, the crowds, the people, in fact, I haven’t left my home since 1982 and my nephew could always use a good hat.”

Receiver:  “Why won’t Aunt Loretta take 5 minutes and look at a current fashion catalogue?  I look like I’m about to pull a turkey out of the oven with my head.”

4. SPAM

Giver:  “Won’t mom think this is a hoot?”

Receiver:  “Well that confirms it, my son hates me.”

5. ROADSIDE JAMS AND JELLIES

Giver:  “Crap, I forgot to buy something for my kids teachers–stop here at this roadside fruit stand and I’ll see if they have some ‘homemade’ jelly.”

Receiver:  “I wish my students would just gather together their money and buy me one gift card to Macy’s.  This is the 50th jar of Jelly in 3 years.”

I’ll have more shopping ideas for you later–only 13 days left and only 12 shopping days left so you better get busy.

-Murphy

Time To Tax The Babies–Put Down That Rattle and Pay Up!

December 11, 2007

Thank heaven for Australia.  Without that little island we would be without so much.  Here are some little known facts about Austrailia.  In 1856 they were the first place in the world to have secret ballot elections.  In 1894 they were the first place in the world to give women the right to vote.  They are the only country to attend every modern Olympic games.  They inveted the bionic ear, flexible wine casks, boomerangs, the Notepad, the electric drill, postage stamps, the first “bathing beauty contest” (in 1920), the automatic letter sorting maching, the two stroke lawn mower and best of all…Latex gloves. 

And now, at the forefront of modern history, on the edge of innovation and ingenuity, they have come up with a brilliant idea to help achieve Al Gore’s vision of the World.  A World where we don’t burn fuel, or exhale or burp or use hairspray or freon or any other modern convenience.   The Australians have decided to tax babies to save our planet.  Yes, that’s right–babies–those little mooching, slobbering, dependent, whiny piles of human fat barely formed into a recognizable human–babies.

The article above states that couples with more than 2 children “should be charged a lifelong tax to offset their extra offspring’s carbon dioxide emissions”  according to a medical expert.  The report in an Austrailian medical journal (yes a MEDICAL journal) says that parents should be “charged $5000 a head for every child after their second AND an annual tax of up to $800.” 

Here at Murphy’s Conservative Blog we have found an exclusive picture of the doctor who authored this article:

  Here he is preparing the altar of healing for a poor woman who believes she is the virgin Mary.  The potion will help extract the baby blue blanket from her body and reveal that she is in fact not the virgin Mary but instead is:

gyrrjdcao272bccadrlwpgcaszbmzrca0kxdtocax81ud2ca0wssjyca5hblbzca6q0al3caqhldsrcaw4qxg3ca6n5lvmcaqs1wybcae2kvv5ca82hbr9cao1ideacam8v52rcaqne0gmcawjmqyucailjy42.jpeg Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

 In any event, the good doctor continues and states that “couple who were sterilized would be eligible for carbon credits.”  Which is a nice bonus to the old snip-snip don’t you think.  I recently used my carbon credits to purchase a giant poster of a windbag:

  It is hanging in my room with ticky-tack made of carbon fuel emissions.  I’m soooo doing my part.

 An Austrialian obstetrician named Barry Walters said that “Every family choosing to have more than a defined number of children should be charged a carbon tax that would fund the planting of enough trees to offset the carbon cost generated by a new human being.”

He is so right–for example, when my third child was born I noticed that he used up 8-10 diapers a day in the first month.  Each time filing it with a mixture of substances that smelled a little like death on a stick.  I felt so bad about putting those bags of filth outside that I paid my neighbor some money as a way of seeking forgiveness for the extra carbon load.  Oddly though, the tree next to the trash can grew 3 feet that month.  Hmmmmm….

“As citizens of the world, I believe we deserve no more population concessions than those in India or China.”  says Professor Walters.    Good take Prof–in China there is rampant forced abortion and infanticide.  So I guess that is what would be considered a “population concession.”

Garry Eggers, director of the NSW Centre for Health Promotion and Research, agreed with the call, saying former treasurer Peter Costello’s request for three children per family – “one for mum, one for dad and one for the country” – was too single-minded.   He thinks this debate should be “reopened as part of a second ecological revolution.”  I missed the first–dang it–sequels are never any good when you miss the original.

I have 3 kids so I guess I’d be subject to this tax if I was there.  But really this is a sexist move on the part of Austrailia–everyone knows that boys emit WAY more carbon than girls so it is not fair for girls to be assessed the same tax.  Although, girls do spend a lot more on personal grooming devices and creams etc… that may impact the environment. 

 Since I was suspicious of this article I thought it best to find the other authors and see why they might be so biased.

Here is Gary Eggers:

 19.jpeg  He has spent 29 years with Gearhart Chevrolet.  Founded by Frank C. Gearhart in 1929, Gearhart is one of America’s longest-established dealerships.  It is located in Denville, New Jersey.   I find it odd that a car dealer from Jersey would also be the director of the NSW Centre for Health Promotion and Research–but I’m betting the real Garry Eggers is as qualified as this fine man here to handle such a post.

Since this is likely NOT the actual Garry Eggers from Austrailia I kept looking…Finally I found him–it was hard because he is kind of camera shy but here he is the Director himself:

  He was quoted as saying, “Two babies is plenty, it is impossible to imagine someone having 3 babies, each worthy of citizenship in Austrailia.  After all, we invented the boomerrang!”

-Let me make a suggestion–I’ll give each contributor to the article cited above $5000 if they turn in their respective licenses and shut up for the rest of their natural lives.  That should reduce carbon emissions so much that every tree in Austrailia will die.

-Murphy

The Marriage Reformation-Tradition/Schlamition

December 11, 2007

Since the Republican YouTube debate, the issue of gay marriage has appeared back on the headlines.  Time to look at our traditional marriage situation and decide whether it is time for a change.  I mean after all, marriage is a VERY old notion.  I think it was Genesis where the first marriage occurred.  That was between a man and a woman-how quaint.  But now, we have the world asking the question–Why can’t I marry who or whatever I want?  Let’s try and answer this question.

First-here are what the Democrats are saying: (These quotes taken from About.com except for some possible additions to Dennis Kucinich’s)

Barack Obama–Although Barack Obama has said that he supports civil unions, he is against gay marriage. In an interview with the Chicago Daily Tribune, Obama said, “I’m a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.”

There Barack goes playing that “tradition” card.  Well, he is obviously looking backwards, how about Hillary?

Hillary Clinton  Clinton opposes gay marriage but supports civil unions between members of the same sex. During her husband’s administration, she supported the Defense of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same-sex marriage.  “Marriage has got historic, religious and moral content that goes back to the beginning of time, and I think a marriage is as a marriage always has been, between a man and a woman.” – Hillary Clinton, opposing same-sex marriages, quoted in The New York Daily News.  However, in October 2006 Hillary Clinton was quoted by 365gay.com as saying,”I believe in full equality of benefits, nothing left out. From my perspective there is a greater likelihood of us getting to that point in civil unions or domestic partnerships and that is my very considered assessment.”

So she sort-of played the “tradition” card, then she was against it before she was for it.  Wha???  How about Dennis Kucinich?

Dennis Kucinich “Kucinich goes further than supporting civil unions for same-sex couples at the state level; he believes that, much like Civil Rights legislation of the 1960s, federal law should protect civil unions, and that no state has a right to abridge basic rights to privacy. ” On his website Dennis Kucinich says, “On May 17th, 2004, the 50th anniversary of the decision in Brown vs. the Board of Education that declared “separate” is not “equal,” the people of the state of Massachusetts became a part of another such moment in history when the legally empowered and legally protected right of civil marriage is finally extended to all citizens, regardless of gender. The decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court to recognize and uphold this civil right is a victory not just for gay and lesbian citizens who have been denied their civil rights and relegated to second-class status. It is a victory for all Americans who believe, as I do, that the promise of the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights should be upheld for everyone.  Further, I wholeheartedly support any marriage between a citizen of Earth and a citizen of Yendor in the Galgana Galaxy–their species is so cute.”

Apparently, Dennis is on board to allow all kinds of marriage–in fact he even pretends that the Constitution and Bill of Rights says something about it.  Cool.  How about the Breck girl?

John Edwards  Edwards opposes same-sex marriage, but he does not think the Constitution should be amended to define marriage as between a man and a woman. He supports civil unions.  On 2/24/04 Edwards said in response to President Bush’s proposed Constitutional amendment, “I am against the president’s constitutional amendment on gay marriage…I don’t personally support gay marriage myself. My position has always been that it’s for the states to decide.” Edwards supports the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act.

So Edwards would rather the Government not get involved in this ONE AND ONLY area of our lives–but that is it–every other area–okay, but not this ONE AREA.  (Nice cop-out).

onemanonewoman.jpeg  So what is the answer?  “Once we have abandoned the concept of marriage as the union of a man and a woman, [we] will have no principled basis for rejecting polygamy – or any form of sexual involvement,” explained Princeton Law Professor Robert George.  That is one opinion.  Many say that we are heading down a path of destroying the family which forms the basis of our Country.

But I have a different question today–what about those of us who love in an even different way?  If we are going to redefine marriage, it seems only fair to redefine it completely.  Since the divorce rate is now 1 in 1.8 marriages we are obviously failing.  I think it is because people are no longer marrying their “best friends.”  They are marrying for the wrong reasons.  As a man, I can only write from the male perspective on this–for those who think this path is really not sliding down to the ridiculous take a look at this:

 (viewer discretion is advised<–pretend that this is said in that creepy voice from “24”)

P. Selvakumar places a garland on Selvi, a former stray dog, during their wedding in Manamadurai, India, Nov. 11. Selvakumar said he thinks he was cursed for stoning two other dogs to death and wed Selvi in an atonement attempt.

Man Marries Dog

Don’t you dare judge poor P.  He and Selvi are on honeymoon in the Purina Valley taking tours of dog food factories and having a ball in the tasting rooms.  If you think about it, P. may have something (except an actual first name).

Here are the ways that dogs might make a better spouse than humans:

  • Dogs don’t cry

  • Dogs love it when your friends come over

  • Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo

  • Dogs think you sing great

  • A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink

  • Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs

  • Dogs don’t notice if you call them another dog’s name

  • Dogs are excited by rough play

  • Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away

  • Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair

  • Anyone can get a good looking dog

  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it

  • Dogs don’t shop

  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor

  • Dogs never need to examine the relationship

  • A dog’s parents never visit

  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions

  • When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it

  • Dogs like beer

  • Dogs don’t hate their bodies

  • Dogs never criticize

  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

  • Dogs never expect gifts

  • Dogs don’t worry about germs

  • Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve had

  • Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives

  • You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready to go 24 hours a day

  • Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry

  • Dogs don’t borrow your shirts

  • Dogs never want foot rubs

  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public

  • Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk

  • Dogs can’t talk

  • Dogs seldom outlive you

and for the women:

  • Dogs always think you’re smart and don’t make fun of your shortcomings

  • Dogs are willing to sleep on a rug and fetch on command

  • Dogs spend less time worrying about hair loss

  • Old buddies don’t show up on doorstep unexpectedly

  • Dogs are utterly disinterested in professional sports

  • Your parents find them easier to like

  • Dogs are rarely jealous of your former boyfriends

  • Dogs are willing to hold your purse in public

  • Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play

  • Dogs don’t complain when you want to go for a walk

  • Dogs are willing to eat anything you put on their plate and will always want more

  • Dogs tend to bath themselves daily, men must be encouraged to do so

  • You can put a dog in a crate when you don’t feel like having it around

  • Dogs expect to go outside on leashes… men think they can do everything on their own

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

  • Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

  • Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

  • Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.

  • Dogs don’t criticize your friends.

  • Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

  • Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

  • Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.

  • Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.

  • You can train a dog.

  • Dogs are easy to buy for.

  • Dogs are good with kids.

  • Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

  • You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.

  • Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.

  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
    (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

  • Dogs understand what NO means.

  • Dogs don’t need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

  • Dogs don’t make a practice of killing their own species.

  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

  • Dogs do not read at the table.

  • You can house train a dog.

  • You can force a dog to take a bath.

  • Dogs don’t correct your stories.

  • Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

  • Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.

  • Dogs aren’t threatened by two women with short hair.

  • Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.

  • Dogs love to dance

  • Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.

  • Dogs admit it when they’re lost.

  • Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.

  • Dogs look at your eyes.

  • Dogs like your size.

  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

  • Dogs take care of their own needs.

  • Dogs are color blind.

  • Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.

  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.

  • Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

  • Dogs don’t care how you dress.

 Well, I think the Republicans need to look seriously at this–a good first step would be to announce immediately that their running mate, should he be elected in the primary will be one of the following:

 or maybe   or maybe  or maybe

 Here are the reasons: 

1.  No one will call the dog “Darth Vader”

2.  No one will say, “Where has the VP been”  because he will always be in the yard.

3.  The VP debate will be about 2 minutes long.  Hands down the dog will win.

4.  Everyone loves dogs–if they don’t then they should be shot anyway.

5. He can run an effective puppet regime with whoever the President is.

So come on America–let’s vote to change marriage–no longer just between a man and a woman but let’s pass the “P. Amendment” and allow marriage between a person and a dog.  Then if you marry someone like this no one will know the difference:

-Murphy

Prisoner Denied His First Amendment Right to Look at Jennifer Aniston

December 6, 2007

Today I bring you a sad tale of horrible torture and the very definition of cruel and unusual punishment.  This is sad so please, if you have already had any of the self-realizations in the last 24 hours that are listed below, then I beg of you, do not read this because I do not want to be responsible for sending you in to a deep depression.

Don’t read any further if any of the following has come to your mind today:

1.  That you cannot possibly get everything finished in time for Christmas,

2. That one of your parents wants to live “the rest of his/her life” under your roof,

3. That your 16 year old daughter wants a belly-piercing,

4. That you missed your Christmas bonus elligibility by one dollar/hour/sale, etc….

5. That you just broke off a long-term relationship.

Okay–here goes.  yesterday an AP story by Scott Bauer broke entitled,  Inmate Loses Bid to Hang Aniston Photo .

Here are the tragic details:

MADISON, Wis. (AP) – All Jevon Jackson wanted was to hang a picture of Jennifer Aniston in his room. But because his room was a cell at a Green Bay prison, the warden wouldn’t allow it. Jackson took his case all the way to federal court, which ruled in favor of the prison Wednesday but offered the inmate a ray of hope.

A convicted murderer, Jackson ran afoul of the state prison system when he ordered a commercial picture of Aniston, who gained fame on the television series “Friends.” Turns out the prison has a policy against inmates receiving, and thus displaying, commercially published photographs.  The prison adopted the policy in 2006 because of the increasing volume of mail. It told the court that it gets about 1,500 pieces of mail a day and processing it required a ban on commercially published photos, which often contained nudity or other forbidden content such as gang symbols.  Inmates are allowed to display pictures of non-celebrity friends and relatives, as well as commercially produced photos published in magazines. Neither Jackson nor the prison said there was anything inappropriate about the photo he wanted to display.

“That’s good,” the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in its unanimous, and somewhat snarky, opinion. “In 2000, Aniston sued ‘Celebrity Skin’ magazine for publishing photos taken of her while sunbathing topless in her own backyard!” The three judges also identified Aniston as an actress who appeared in “several forgettable recent films.” They named a couple: “Rumor Has It” and “Along Came Polly.”

Jackson was sentenced to life in prison for murder in the 1993 killing of a woman who had just left a Milwaukee fast-food restaurant. He was 17 at the time of the murder. Now 30, he sued after his complaint was dismissed by the prison. He argued that his First Amendment rights had been violated. He also said it didn’t make sense to disallow commercial photographs but at the same time allow magazines that could contain hundreds of images.

In ruling against Jackson, the appeals court said the prison’s policy was reasonable – and Jackson could always get around it by ordering magazines. Even though Aniston may not be in every issue he subscribed to, the court said, “the likelihood of an eventual photograph of her is sufficiently high to suffice as an alternative.”  Jackson had argued a commercial photo would be less trouble for the prison than if he had to order several magazines to find the one picture of Aniston he wanted.

Oh the humanity!  How dare that pretentious arrogant 7th Circuit write a “snarky” opinion saying that Ms. Aniston has appeared in “foregettable recent films.”  What about “Leprechaun” 

  or the hit TV movie “Camp Cucomonga” 

  or who could forget “The Thin Pink Line”

  ???

But seriously the point of this story is that this poor murderer is being denied the one and only thing he wants- a picture of his favorite hottie–is that so wrong?

I mean look at his prison:

 Prison cell nicethis is just shameful–what a dreary horrible location (ok–this isn’t really “his” prison but it is a real prison–author’s license and all ya know)

Anyway–back to the real story–after an interview with the warden of the prison who instituted this “no commercial photographs” policy but nevertheless allows magazines in cells, he has decided to alter the policy slightly.  He realizes that Jackson does have a point–I mean the LAST thing we want to do to a murderer is violate his First Amendment right.  You know the First Amendment which states in relevant part, ” Congress shall make no law … abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to hang pictures of hot babes in their prison cells.”

The warden said that “hot babes” is not defined in the constitution and since he doesn’t think Jennifer is “hot” he won’t let her picture be used.  He then referred me to an excellent blog post regarding beauty written by the world famous Laurie Kendrick (“The Beauty Post“).  Beauty therefore is definitely in the eye of the beholder or the air brusher or the make-up artist.  The warden is kind of a naturalist and believes that true beauty is found when you shed all of those man-made props and so he is now willing to relax the policy to allow some commercial photos that are limited to the following photos ONLY: (by the way the warden sounded very sarcastic during the entire interview–more on that in a moment):

 HOT BABES OF GREEN BAY PRISON:

1. 

2.

3.

4.

 and finally as a bonus picture–this next one is the most popular in cell block D

5.

 I withheld my comments during our discussion but asked the warden if I could take his picture for my blog post–he obliged:

 I don’t know but I think the warden has a hidden agenda going on here–nevertheless, finally all of the murderers, theives, rapists, molesters and drug dealers will have some commercial photos to look at as they pass their time away behind bars.

-Murphy

The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 7: The END of The Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis

December 5, 2007

Well it had to happen sooner or later–the silly citizens of the US have gotten themselves in a bind over sub-prime mortgages and since we are soooooo stupid, the Government (our loving father and mother) has decided that we have been punished long enough.  Today, our Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson (admit it–you didn’t know until just now who that was–neither did I) stated that banks are “close to a deal” to rewrite loans that are set to increase in interest next year to try and stop the massive amount of foreclosures expected.

See, what happened here is that people were given an option to purchase a home (sometimes that they could not afford) and get a great interest rate for a few years that would increase later when their income (wishful thinking) would also increase to handle the additional payments.  The weird thing is that the borrowers in these cases all received documents that explain everything–including how their interest rate would increase over time.  Also, the ultimate decision to buy a house that they could not afford—was theirs since they signed the contracts.  But as we know, we simply cannot take care of ourselves. 

Since the Government is considering some form of socialistic law or buyout to help those who made these decisions and are about to lose their home, I propose that the Congress pass sweeping legislation to help all of us out of stupid decisions.

I would call the act “THE FREEDOM FROM CONSEQUENCES ACT OF 2007” Here are my ideas:

1.  THE ALL NIGHT BENDER

  Under this section of the bill it should say:  “In all cases where a person (as defined herein) decides to drink beverages that contain alcohol in such quantity and in such a short span of time as to constitute what people call an “all night bender” then should that person do any of the following they will receive an amount of money equal to what they spent to obtain, destroy such items or the amount it would take to correct such purchases or activities, whichever is greater:

a.  Lip, Tongue, Belly or “privates” piercings

b. Tatoos

c.  Destruction of Property (including, but not limited to, sheetrock from fist punching, lamps, or rugs with vomit stains)

d. Contraction of illness or disease

e. Any form of destruction to an automobile, truck, lightpole or fence.

f. Things said to known persons in excessive hatred or imagined love (this would likely result in reimbursement for therapy and anti-anxiety medication)

2.  CREDIT CARD RELIEF

  Under this section of the bill it should say:  “In all cases where a person (as defined herein) has decided, despite their income, to use their credit cards to make excessive purchases (as defined below), that person will receive full release from all interest rates charged on their credit cards, an extension of future credit for use on future purchases and, in cases of extreme gluttony, full relief from the purchases themselves.  “Excessive purchases” would include, but not be limited to the following:

a.  More than 50 Webkins dolls

b. A TV larger than 51″ that is either plasma or LCD

c. 2 trips to Starbucks each day for coffee that when ordered takes at least 4 words to say (i.e. ‘Grande, Sugar-Free, Vanilla, Breve, Latte)

d. An Xbox360 obtained for the sole purpose of being able to play Halo 3.

e.  Any Star Wars Collectibles

f.  KC Lights for your Truck

g. All purchases at Sam’s Club

h. Memberships in Wine Clubs

3.  MARRIAGE AND KIDS

    Under this section of the bill it should say: “In all cases where a person (as defined herein) gets married or has kids or both and discovers it was a horrible mistake then that person will receive a free divorce and a full refund for any and all costs associated with having a bad child.  For purposes of this section “Horrible Mistake” is defined as marrying any of the following:

a.  A person to replace your mother

b. A sibling or cousin (for Arkansas only) (Louisiana can apply for this before a review committee)

c. Anyone who during the dating period uttered the words “You complete me”

d. A person that thinks a fun night begins by dressing up like an Ummpa Loompa.

e. Anyone related to the Clintons, Kennedys, Pelosi’s or a citizen from France.

4. HAIRCUTS

    Finally, in this section it should say:  “In the event that a person (as defined herein) purchases a bad haircut, that person will be entitled to a full refund from the Government.  The person must send a picture of said haircut with their refund request.  This refund does not apply to John Edwards,  or any person who purposely gets a mullet because even the Government can’t help you.

 Finally, “Person” for purposes of this act is defined as anyone who was born into the United States with a sense of entitlement, anyone who is naturally selfish, anyone who believes that they are standing still while the Earth revolves around their awesome presence, or anyone who believes that they are just too stupid to breathe without a little help from Uncle Sam.

-Murphy