Man-Eating Deer Enraged By Global Warming!
I have to apologize for my obvious idiocy. Clearly I have been wrong about challenging and making fun of the Al Gore Church of Global Warming Armegeddon. It would appear that since temperatures are rising at an alarming rate, the animal kingdom has become more aggressive. See this story from the AP (if you are a member of PETA, you better get some tissue first):
Article Launched: 11/06/2007 02:39:21 PM PST
TRUMANN, Ark.—Greg Vincent thought he was kidding when he told his 13-year-old son and a nephew that he could use his hunting knife to handle a snorting buck that was about to charge them. In the woods in Fulton County for last weekend’s youth hunt, the group was tracking a different deer that Vincent’s son Kyle had shot when a six-point buck appeared in their path.
“I told everyone to just be still and see what he was going to do,” Vincent said.
The buck was about 15 yards away, staring at them.
“We had left our guns at the camp, and all I had was a hunting knife,” he said.
Most deer will run off when they see a person. Not this one.
“I took out my knife and jokingly told the boys I would take care of the deer if it attacked,” he said. Then the animal lowered its head, shook its antlers, snorted, pawed the ground and advanced on them.
It got close to Kyle, and that’s when Vincent rushed the animal. He grabbed the antlers, jerked the deer’s head around and stabbed it in the ribs. Vincent said he hoped that would make the animal run away, but the animal kept struggling. Vincent hung onto the deer’s neck as they tumbled into a creek and he dropped the knife. He yelled for the boys to find the knife, and nephew Dillon Vincent placed the knife in his uncle’s hand.
“When I stabbed the neck, I pulled the knife as hard as I could,” Greg Vincent said, ripping a large gash that probably would have been fatal. The deer continued to struggle but was growing weaker. Vincent, who was a competitive weightlifter in high school, was tiring, too. Within moments, his father, Harvey Vincent, finished off the animal with a shot from Kyle’s rifle. The Vincents learned later from a game warden that the deer was aggressive probably because it was in rut.
This has got to stop. Deer are supposed to be kind, sweet, pretty animals. But look at these images:
Something has to be done. Many years ago when the world was warmer still, even rabbits became ferocious.
We must come up with a solution. Well the good hunters of Texas have it. We need to keep the deer cooler so that they will be willing to happily trot to the feeder so we can blast their pretty little heads off. A crack team of engineers at Texas A&M has come up with the Deer Cooling Fan Thingy Device:
You simply fill a blue plastic pool looking thing with ice and then place a giant fan on one side. As the fan blows across the ice it will cool the air. These should be strategically placed all around the deer feeders so that when the deer come in all mad and aggressive, it will cool them down. Kind of like these misting tents used to keep people at amusement parks when it is 105 degrees outside so they will keep paying $5 for a small soda:
Now there is one problem–where to get all of the ice. I have set up a small shop on the North pole. Since it is all melting anyway I figured time to jump on the capitalistic idea of the century. I and my staff are tirelessly chipping pieces of the polar ice cap off before they melt and then shipping the ice to Texas for use in the Deer Cooler things. I’ll have an IPO later this month and will update you on how to invest.
Let’s all do our part to cool off the animals. The lives of our brave hunters out there in the field may very well depend on it.