The Argument For Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 5: Cell Phones

And now for this week’s chapter in the ongoing epic detailing blow by blow, word by word, why the Government should control all aspects of our lives.  As you know, the Government “cares” about it citizens and “worries” about their well-being.  We, of course, are all nothing but silly sheep herding around looking for a Shepherd with a website that ends in “.gov” to show us the way.  We are like children with no parents, like ducks with no “V” to fly in , like dung beetles with no dung, like…you get the picture. 

Thankfully, the Government “knows” what is best for us and when it sees a problem in society it swoops in with what can only be called the “best and ONLY solution.” 

For example:

BY SUSAN K. LIVIO

Star-Ledger Staff

Beginning March 1, people who send text messages or use hand-held cell phones while they drive should be prepared to fork over $100.

Gov. Jon Corzine signed a bill yesterday that makes talking on a hand-held cell phone a primary offense, according to the National Council of State Legislatures. New Jersey becomes the fourth state to enact such a measure, joining California, Connecticut and New York.

Those dadgum cell phones are causing so many accidents.  Of course, as the Government wisely points out–it is not humans that cause them, but devices such as cell phones and SUV’s.  I am thankful for such laws, for without them we would be running our cars into each other and we would surely all perish.

However, I think the Government has made a good start here, but it seems that it is just not enough.  After all, cell phones are one of MANY distractions that actually cause accidents.   I am writing a letter to my Senators (ooops, can’t–its Hutchison and Cornyn)–okay, I’ll just write Sheila Jackson Lee and see if she can suggest a Federal law that is similar along with outlawing the following other activities while driving.

  1. Eating a taco or hamburger
  2. Opening a straw covered in plastic instead of paper
  3. Painting your nails
  4. Finding the right CD
  5. Skipping a song on your IPod which is hooked to an IRadio device
  6. Arguing with your spouse
  7. Arguing with your kids
  8. Arguing with yourself
  9. Rolling down the window to give someone a 3-D flip-off
  10. Rolling down the window to spit
  11. Lighting a cigarette/cigar
  12. Driving within 30 minutes of finding out you failed a final exam
  13. Driving on the Kansas Turnpike when you have to go to the bathroom
  14. Reading the mail, newspaper, latest Danielle Steel novel
  15. Blinking
  16. Sneezing
  17. Coughing
  18. Laughing
  19. Crying
  20. Singing
  21. Thinking (unless about driving)
  22. Digging for change for the toll road
  23. Driving by the Ocean
  24. Looking at a beautiful person walking down the road
  25. Looking at a map (especially a Yahoo map)
  26. Wishing upon a star
  27. Looking at a rainbow
  28. Pointing out the moo-cows to your 2 year old
  29. Passing
  30. Turning
  31. Stopping
  32. Driving with an insect in your car (felony if it is a bee or wasp)
  33. Listening to NPR if you are a Conservative
  34. Listening to Rush if you are a Liberal
  35. Listening to Rap at all
  36. Listening to any sporting event except soccer
  37. Writing a check
  38. Writing a grocery list
  39. Checking a to-do list
  40. Digging for a Bed Bath and Beyond Coupon
  41. and of course, any form of sex.

I know there are more–but alas, I’m not nearly as smart as the Government.  This should get them starting.  We can only hope that the final list will be endless, cover everything and then, finally, we will be safe on the road.

-Murphy

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