Archive for November 2007

Murtha Quote About the ‘Surge’ Was Completely Misunderstood.

November 30, 2007

Well as many bloggers now know, U.S. Representative John Murtha stated yesterday that after his trip to Iraq, he now thinks that “the ‘surge’ is working.”   See (Murtha:  Surge is Working) This from a man who has stated in the past that we are failing in Iraq and that we are dellusional to think we can ever win, etc..

So how can we reconcile these seemingly opposite opinions?  Well, I have contracted some staff members from a little known organization called S.C.U.D. or (Spin like Clinton Until you Die).  These guys are great–they look at the story within the story to find the truth behind the words spoken by prominent Democrats.  These were they guys that told Clinton to question the meaning of “is”–brilliant.  So I hired them and they have determined that Murtha has in fact been taken out of context.  Of course he did not mean that the “troop surge” is working, his words had a deeper meaning.

As you know, Mr. Murtha is not a young man.  Recently he has been having some, well, issues that needed to be addressed.  While in Iraq he tried to help his problem in a couple of ways.  First he tried hauling two bathtubs up to a hillside view of the Persian Gulf but that didn’t work:

Then he tried watching some old, but bad, Bo Derek movies like this classic gem:

But alas, that did not work either.  Then he heard of a soft drink that was discontinued in 2001 but because Iraq’s government is so “dysfunctional” Iraq just got in a “new” shipment.  That softdrink is:

Original and second logo

A little known fact about “Surge” told to Mr. Murtha by a kindly local farmer (who has 19 wives and is 98 years old) is that it was developed in Norway under this original label:

UrgeLogo.jpg

By golly, once old jolly Murtha heard about it he rushed out and drank an entire case.  Later that day, after a lovely dinner at the farmer’s home and a few hours of entertainment it was time for the interview wherein, Mr. Murtha said (in its entirety)

Holy Jihad, that Surge is definitely working!

Thanks to SCUD for helping us all rest easy and know that Murtha is still the giant liberal wack-job he always was and that someone should bring back “Surge.”

A Gender Neutral Christmas-For the Delusional

November 28, 2007

Well, in Sweden there seems to be some debate as to whether or not women and men are different.  I thought this was settled in the first two chapters of Genesis, but I admit, I know little about women and understand less so I could be wrong.  See the following story: (Topless Women Make Waves)

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (Nov. 22) – A group of Swedish women is making waves by taking their tops off at public swimming pools in a protest against what they call gender-biased rules on swim wear. About 40 women have joined the network and staged topless protests in at least three cities, said Sanna Ferm, 22, one of the founders of the group called Bara Brost, or Bare Breasts. “The purpose of the campaign is to start a debate about why women’s bodies are sexualized,” Ferm said Wednesday. She said the fact that men can be bare-chested in public swimming pools but not women is “a concrete example of how women have fewer rights than men.” Reactions from other swimmers have ranged from support and encouragement to anger and even indifference, she said. The network was formed after two women who were swimming topless in a public swimming pool in Uppsala, north of Stockholm, were asked to cover up or leave. Women can sunbathe topless in the summertime at beaches around Sweden, which is known for its relaxed attitude toward nudity, but they are required to wear tops at public swimming pools. Inger Groteblad, a manager at the swimming facility in Uppsala, said it was a matter of security. “We want to make sure that girls don’t get subjected to sexual harassment,” she was quoted as saying by tabloid Aftonbladet. The women have filed a complaint against the facility to Sweden’s Equal Opportunities Ombudsman.

 Ummm…Okay so I guess the point is that since men can be topless-women should be able to as well.  At first I wanted to say–hello, men don’t have breasts, but then I saw this:

  Okay so maybe you have a point Sweden.  But what the heck does “sexualized” mean?  I’m not even sure it is a word.  So I went to Dictionary.com and looked and sure enough it means the following:

“sex·u·al·ize:  -verb; to render sexual; endow with sexual characteristics. “

So, the point is that the women of Sweden are tired of having people render their body with sexual characteristics.  Oddly the Equal Opportunities Ombudsman is an organization that fights for gender equality in the workplace.  So where in Sweden are women wanting to be allowed to work topless?  Odd.

I think we should just stop this madness altogether right now.  Let’s face it–the women of Sweden are right–they are not sexual objects.  For example–see this picture of the Swedish Bikini Team I found on Google Images:

 yeesh!  Hideous don’t you think?  It’s like they are women-but maybe they are men–hard to tell.  So then I suppose the real point is that we should all think about whether or not it makes sense to differentiate between genders.  After all aren’t we all humans first?

I propose that this Christmas all the parents try and buy gender neutral gift so that their kids don’t get sucked into this whole gender identity issue.  Here are some suggestions:

1. Gender Neutral Ken Doll

  Is it a man?  Is it a woman?  Who cares?

2. Gender Neutral Doll House

Who lives there?  Mom and Dad?  no…just some humans.

3. Teletubbies

  No one know what they are–the oldest/biggest carries a purse with an upside down purple triangle on his/her head.  Perfect for your little human.

4. A Blue Tutu

  For the little dancer in all of us.

5.  Hello Kitty Ninja Warrior

  She/He can kick butt in either gender.

Maybe if we all try really hard to throw out these tired notions of male and female we can all eventually live in a harmonious society where everyone looks like this:

-Murphy

The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 6-No More Spanking!

November 27, 2007

It is time for another addition in the ongoing epic journey into why the Government should control all aspects of our lives.  As stated before–we cannot do it alone.  We have too much going on with eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, walking, sitting, we hardly have time for working, parenting, or managing any other part of our lives.  My solution—let the Government do it–what other body of individuals knows better how we should live and act than our esteemed elected officials?  None.

Today the Boston Channel.com has the following story about helping all of us out in an area that we fail at day in and day out–parenting:

 

BOSTON — Lawmakers on Beacon Hill are set to consider a proposed ban on spanking children in the commonwealth. NewsCenter 5’s Shiba Russell reported that the issue is set for debate at a Statehouse hearing Wednesday morning.  The Boston Herald reported that State Rep. Jay Kaufman filed the spanking ban petition at the request of an Arlington, Mass., nurse who wants Massachusetts to become the first state in the country to stop corporal punishment.   If this proposal does become law and parents are caught hitting their children who are under the age of 18 they could be charged with abuse or neglect.

It is about time don’t you think?  I mean after all, “spanking” is obviously a form of abuse.  I, um…this is hard for me…was a victim of spanking.  Yes it’s true and it has caused me great emotional distress and anguish over the years.  For example, I break into hives everytime I see any of the following items:

       

And this next one–well I’m choked up even mentioning it:

  Oh, it is so awful.

But I’m one of the lucky ones.  Despite the “waterboard-like” torture I received as a child, I rose above, through grit and determination I suppressed my memories of those days in hell and went to law school and am doing well.  But not all people can say that.  Some never really get over their spanking experiences.  Like these poor ballet stars:

  Terrible.

 Some sickos actually made a career opportunity out of their experiences:

So I must give my praise to Mass. for such innovative and parental-controlling legislation.  Mass. has always been so smart about parents though.  For example, in 1999, in a case called ENO v. LMM the Superior Court decided that there can be such a thing as a “De Facto Parent” a person-not a real parent-that has had such an influence on a child’s life that he/she can get visitation rights for that child.  What a great idea!  Along with the anti-spanking and the chance to see a Kennedy, I’m really considering a move.

Having given the De Facto Parent idea some thought I have decided to petition the Court in Mass. to declare certain individuals a De Facto Parent of mine.  Here are my choices:

1.  Donald Trump-He has made me realize the importance of allowing my hair to naturally bald itself right on out–for that reason alone I think he should be declared my De Facto Parent–and he is freaky rich.

2.  Oprah Winfrey-She has influenced me so much.  I know now that if you eat all the time, you will not lose weight.  I know that if you write down in a book that all you have to do is think about something and it will happen, she will put that book on her show and make you rich.  One of her good friends is Dr. Phil-need I say more? –I think she should be declared my De Facto parent because of her influences–and she is freaky rich.

3. Billy Joel–(first–I have all of his Cd’s so–duh)-But also-he has shown me that you can be kind of a 1 in looks and still marry 10’s.  He has shown me that you can be short and balding and still marry good looking intellingent girls that are half your age.  For these reasons-he has taught me to never give up and therefore he should be my De Facto Parent–and he is freaky rich.

Hopefully one of these will stick.  As for the spanking issue–who can argue with it?  After all–these people were never spanked and they are famous:

Hillary Silly  This was the only time she was spanked actually.

  The Kennedy’s never spanked.

  So famous–and no spanking.

   Not only famous-but ellusive and a master at video technology.

 Thank you Mass.  Now I can create a family where Donald Trump and Oprah are my parents and I know they won’t spank me if I’m bad which will allow me to become a world-famous, egomaniacal, drunk murderer who will continue to thrive despite my wrongdoings and get lots of TV time.

The truth is–without laws like this we will continue to adhere to thoughts like this one:

 Because as we all know–if the Government doesn’t tell us how to parent–how will we know how?

-Murphy

Merry Banned Christmas

November 26, 2007

Well it is now officially “Holiday Season.”  Time to spend a lot of money on gifts, make well-intentioned purchases of flour, sugar, chocolate chips and sprinkles for the cookies you didn’t have time to make in July and certainly don’t have time to make now.  Time to try and figure out which family you will visit and on what day and whether it is worth it to shun one on the 25th for the other or try and swing by both ( or all 4 if both parents are split and remarried). 

But the best part of the Holiday Season is the banning.  That’s right, the annual excitement that comes about now when various groups send out their “banned” list for one reason or another.  Now, personally, I’m not into banning too much, although I do not contribute to non-profits that support abortion for example, and I try not to shop at retailers that openly hate Billy Joel.  But beyond that it is too hard for me to keep up.

 For example–last year I was told to ban Wal-Mart because of its tolerant pro-gay stance on various gay issues.  Apparently an Ohio woman quit last year when she discovered that Wal-Mart contributed to something called the “gay” chamber of commerce.  (???)  This year USA TODAY reports (Gay Rights Group Raises Red Flag on Wal-Mart Policies) that “The Human Rights Campaign, the nation’s largest gay rights group, is giving Wal-Mart a red ‘do not buy’ rating in its new consumer guide” because of its “refusal to offer domestic partner benefits to its gay and lesbian workers.”  So what do I do?  Do I shop there to support gay agendas or do I shop there to show my support for anti-gay agendas? I’m so confused by it all–I feel kind of like this guy/gal:

 

Then there was/is the whole “Merry Christmas” scandal.  Last year Wal-Mart made news again by “bringing back”  “Merry Christmas” to their stores.   In 2005, the American Family Association called for a ban on Wal-Mart for purposely striking the phrase from its stores.  So if I shop at Wal-Mart now I think what I’m doing is showing my support for the expression of the Christian Holiday, the refusal of the chain to support homosexual marriage/union and for being pro-gay.  What??? 

So, over some excellent tryptophans (for the Democrat voting base–that’s the stuff that makes you feel all funny from eating Turkey), I came up with my own list of things to ban this “Holiday” season. 

NUMBER ONE:  Stupid Gifts.  All gifts that come under this category should be banned forever by all people.  If I get one of these gifts I will either cry, scream or fly into rage.  This is a broad category but here are a few “picks.”

a.  The gift that says–“You obvioulsy don’t know a darn thing about personal grooming so here-try this you idiot.”

b.      The gift that says, “Hey I was walking through a mall when I saw this kiosk and thought, I don’t have a thing for Sally and I don’t care enough about her to find out what she really wants–everyone has to eat, so….”

 c. 

 The gift that says “I actually hate your freaking guts.”

 d.  

   The gift that says, ” I don’t believe you have the social grace necessary to eat anywhere that has a linen napkin.”

 e.     (Slippers)–The gift that says, ” I secretly hope the rest of the kids in the neighborhood beat your kid to a bloody pulp.”

NUMBER TWO: Overused Sayings.  There are certain sayings that people are currently using that must stop–I propose a total ban on the following:

a.   “Oh Snap”  Thanks Disney Channel for this idiotic saying and also thanks to some rapper named Biz Markie.

b.  “Oh no you didn’t”–he “did,” get over it.

c.  “What’s up dog?”–Just because the guy on American Idol says it doesn’t make it “cool.”

d.  “Irregardless”–THIS IS NOT A WORD!!!

e.  “LMAO, LOL, BFF, etc…”   Seriously…

f.  “Seriously” and referring to anyone as “Mc” something–Grey’s Anatomy is not real–it is a television show.

NUMBER THREE:  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Enough already–I don’t care how many kids she or he or they adopt or whether she won’t speak to Jennifer Aniston or whether he is running around on her or whether she is appearing before Congress or anything else–Don’t Us  and People and all the others have something else to write about?  Oh yeah–they do–Brittney Spears–Enough of that too.    However–this might be an evil way to not accept 2 of these proposed bans:

NUMBER FOUR:  THE BACHELOR

  I endured this show for reasons I really can’t say only to see him choose neither woman.  Now, don’t get me wrong–if there isn’t true love then …. oh what am I saying–the reason we watch the show is so that he can pick someone and finally Us and People can write about the scandals involving someone other than those mentioned in NUMBER THREE.  Thanks ABC, you ruined our fall.

NUMBER FIVE:  SPEEDOS  There is only one kind of person anyone wants to see in one of these.

From this picture can you guess which one we would rather see dressed that way?

Okay, on that note I have to stop–my sausage and cheese breakfast that I got from my Hickory Farms gift set is coming up.

 -Murphy

Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

November 21, 2007

Is it just me or is it kind of disturbing to see Woodstock pulling another bird’s wishbone?  Cannibalistic freak bird.

Texas A&M-Rich with Tradition-Poor with Winning (A UT vs. A&M Preview)

November 20, 2007

Let me start by saying it is great to be back blogging after a 5 day trip to Napa Valley–which was awesome!!!  I suggest it to anyone that even thinks they like wine a little–very educational, eye-opening, elegant and relaxing. 

Now-first please read my good friend Laurie Kendrick’s write-up on the upcoming game at THEE Rivalry

To continue these thoughts–I went to the University of Texas (as if that is not obvious by my banner above–yes Aggie-fan–that means the cute picture-thingy at the top of this computer screen).  I graduated in 1990.  When I entered in 1986, having grown up in a burnt orange home, I always rooted against the Aggies but I had no “hatred” for them, after all–it was just a friendly rivalry.  Then I made the foolish decision to actually go to Kyle Field and see a game in 1987 and again in 1989.  In case you don’t know this from 1986-1989 the Longhorns were in the middle of what ended in 1989 as a 6 game loosing streak against the Aggies.  After my expereinces there and since I have grown to what I can best call a healthy despise of the aggies.

Let me try and describe the experience of going to an A&M game at Kyle field as a Longhorn.–First of all, 99.9% of the vehicles in College Station were red, maroon or some form of either.  Then I noticed that on the way to the game I was driving in part on a main street there called “Texas”  (first odd thing I noticed–well there was the over abundance of sheep–but I digress).  I then sit down in the “stadium” to watch the Longhorns get beat all the while having a 40+ fan consistently turn around and yell in my face that we “suck.”  (by the end of the game it sounded like “such” because of the MadDog he was drinking from a flask).

Then there was the constant monotonus cheering led by these “guys:”

Yell leaders

Arent’ they cute?

Cheers like umm… this gem:

Squads left, Squads right! Farmers, Farmers, we’re all right!Load, ready, aim, fire, BOOM!A&M! Give us room!

Seriously?  Farmer, Farmer we’re all right?  I would laugh but I can’t make this stuff up.  How about this one?  (I think it was written by a grad student)

 Gig ‘em
[Pass Back: Closed fist with thumb pointed straight up]

Aaaaaaaa
Gig ‘em, Aggies!

Yep-that’s it.  Okay–for the more intelligent crowd they have this one–read it slowly so you can really get it:

Aggies
[Pass Back: Hands flat, with index fingers and thumbs touching to form an “A”]

A-G-G-I-E-S
A-G-G-I-E-S
Aaaaaaaa
Fight ‘em, Aggies!

Whew!  That one gave me a headache.  I tried to form the A and got a cramp in my forearm.  Okay, this one is also real–I pulled them from their own website–seriously–this is not a joke–I’m not kidding–I mean it:

Horse Laugh
[Pass Back: Hands with fingers straight are held palms together, and then hands move back and forth in a pointing motion]

Riffety, riffety, riff-raff!
Chiffity, chiffity, chiff-chaff!
Riff-raff! Chiff-chaff!
Let’s give ‘em a horse laugh:
Sssssss!

Sorry–had to go and wash my face.  Just typing it made me shoot Diet Dr. Pepper right through the nose.

But enough of the cheers, A&M is rich in its musical tradition–take a gander if you will at the words to this song:

“Saw Varsity’s Horns Off”
(Normally follows the singing of The Aggie War Hymn)

Saw Varsity’s horns off!
Saw Varsity’s horns off!
Saw Varsity’s horns off!
Short!
Varsity’s horns are sawed off!
Varsity’s horns are sawed off!
Varsity’s horns are sawed off!
Short!

 You know–if only Sinatra were still around to see this one.  But I should be ashamed of myself really–after all A&M is rich in tradition.  For example:

There is that cute dog “Reveille”

 Reveille, the first lady of Aggieland, is the official mascot of Texas A&M University. She is the highest ranking member of the Corps of Cadets, and she is a Five-Star General.”  (these are actual quotes from the A&M traditions webpage–I so wish I was kidding, hey we need more Generals on the ground in Iraq so I suggest…)

“When Reveille I died on January 18, 1944, she was given a formal military funeral on the gridiron of Kyle Field. She was then buried at the north entrance to the field, as all Reveilles are, facing the scoreboard so that she can always watch the Aggies outscore their opponent.”  (yes facing the scoreboard–of course, they would have to have the superpower of being able to see through dirt and of course, NOT BE DEAD)

“If she is sleeping on a cadet’s bed, that cadet must sleep on the floor. Cadets address Reveille as “Miss Rev, ma’am.” If she is in class and barks while the professor is teaching, the class is to be immediately dismissed.”  (this tradition has long been thought to be the reason many professors from Harvard are dying to work at A&M).

Or how about that Aggie Ring:

 “One of the greatest moments in the life of any Aggie is the day that they receive their Aggie Ring.” (how about graduating, getting married, the birth of their first kid–so secondary to the ring if you think about it)

“The ring worn by all Aggie graduates is the same except for the class year. This serves as a common link for former students. When an Aggie sees the ring on another Aggie’s hand, a spontaneous reunion occurs.” (which is much like spontaneous combustion–only without the carnage-sadly)

“Everything seen on the ring represents a value that an Aggie should hold. On the top is a large shield, which symbolizes the desire to protect the reputation of the university. The 13 stripes on the shield represent the 13 original states of America. The five stars on the shield refer to the phases of development of any Aggie: mind or intellect; body; spiritual attainment; emotional poise; and integrity of character. The eagle symbolizes agility and power, and the ability to reach great heights.” (a value every Aggie should hold is to shun all but the original 13 states–which by the way Aggie-fan–Texas wasn’t one of those!!!)

“Traditionally, students wear their ring with the class year facing them to signify the fact that their time at A&M is not yet complete. During Senior Weekend at the annual Ring Dance, the student’s ring is turned around to face the world proudly, just as the Aggie graduate will be ready to face the world.” (Yes they have a “ring dance”–AAAAAHHH!!!!)

The official greeting at A&M is “Howdy.”  Very collegiate don’t you think?

My favorite though has to be when the corp gets their “squeeze on.”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 This is where–okay–I really am not making this up—Apparently the corp members crowd together at critical times during a game and squeeze their testicles in order to feel the pain of the players and inspire the team.

There is nothing I can say that would be funnier than the truth–and apparently the truth really does hurt.  I will say this–I sincerely hope that these “boys” pass out from the pain of sqeezing so hard on Friday in an attempt to create an offense where one doesn’t exist, to create an inspiring coach where one doesn’t exist and to continue a tradition where numerous ones exist—like the tradition of the Aggies getting beat during Thanksgiving.

Hey Aggie Fan:  Here is an Inconvenient Truth for ya–From 1894 to 2006:  UT-73 wins; A&M-35 wins and 5 ties.  In a best case scenario, A&M would not be able to tie the all-time series until I was 77 years old!  (See Aggie Fan you take 73 minus 35 and you get 38, then you add that to my age [39] and you get 77–read this explanation slowly and I know you will get it).

  Hook’em!

-Murphy

Maybe Obama Would Prefer The Icelandic National Anthem?

November 13, 2007

Patriotism is overrated.  I mean seriously all of this “God Bless America” and flag flying stuff is so tiresome.  Don’t you think?  In the upcoming election, as unproud and angry Americans we need a candidate who doesn’t care about such an antiquated notion as “patriotism.”  I mean aren’t we tired of seeing photos like:

9-11_firemans_flag_full.jpg

 and

 and, of course this one

.

I mean seriously, after all we are in a war over oil, we have made enemies of the entire world, Bush lied, Repulicans love the rich and hate the poor, we are all racists, bigots, and all around meanies so what we really need is a candidate who doesn’t give a flip about patriotism. Someone who thinks that the flag is something to put on a stamp but not salute, someone who thinks that we should replace the National Anthem with “War, What is it Good For?”  Someone who thinks flag lapel pins are a display of fake patriotism, someone like…

obama-pledge.jpg

Senator Obama.  Here he is in the photo Time Magazine made famous last month that was taken during the National Anthem.    If we elect him then maybe for once we can all start singing the National Anthem of all countries because after all it is kind of arrogant of us not to include anthems from other countries at least some of the time.  How about the Russian Anthem which says in part:

From the southern seas to the polar region
Lie our forests and our fields.
You are one in the world! You are one of a kind,
Native land protected by God!

Ooops–it references God so that is out.  Ummm, how about the French Anthem:

Grab your weapons, citizens!
Form your batallions!
Let us march! Let us march!
May impure blood
Water our fields!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Okay seriously, that is the chorus.  I suppose it says that becuase their troops don’t fight so the citizens have to grab weapons.  Okay that one sucks.   How about Iceland:

“Iceland’s thousand years, Iceland’s thousand years, One small flower of eternity with a quivering tear, That prays to its God and dies.”

Yeesh!  Ummm, okay so that one is kind of defeatist–too defeatist I’m afraid.  Okay, how about China:

“Arise, ye who refuse to be slaves;

With our very flesh and blood Let us build our new Great Wall!

The Peoples of China are in the most critical time, Everybody must roar his defiance.”

That sounds good except it uses the word “slaves” which is a good description of our people if the Democrats win the White House but kind of politically incorrect.  And of course, the Great Wall reference won’t work because of our failed immigration policies.  Dang.  One more, how about Chile:

Gentle homeland, accept the vows
Given, Chile, on your altars,
That you be either the tomb of the free
Or a refuge from oppression.

Hmmmm.  With a little tweaking this might work.  How about:

“Gentle homeland, accept the vows

Upon which our Government firmly stood,

That you give your freedom to the State

They can run your life better than you ever could.”

It’s kind of catchy don’t you think?  Senator Obama, thanks for helping us all realize the foolishness of honoring our National Anthem by actually singing it and (God forbid) placing our hand on our heart during it.

-Murphy

P.S.-On a serious note-God Bless our troops and their families this week and always.  THANK YOU for your service to our Country.  Everytime I say the pledge and sing the Anthem (with my hand on my heart) I think of each of you and your sacrifice.  I pray each day for your safe return home to your families.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  By the way–here is the little known 4th verse of our Anthem:

O thus be it ever when freemen shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war’s desolation!
Blest with vict’ry and peace, may the Heav’n-rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our Trust.”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

So policitally incorrect!!!  I LOVE IT!

If Hillary Is Elected, We Will Finally Be Free From Tipping.

November 9, 2007

Well, I must say that I am excited about the election next year.  I have been concerned that Senator Billary might actually pull off a victory and then we would become the next great Socialist State with entitlements to everyone and no way to pay for them.  But I am now convinced that I should vote for Billary after all.

billary.jpg

Entitlement mentality has seeped into the minds of nearly every working man and woman in America.  It began with gratuities to some and has exploded into gratuities for all–I’m talking about tipping.  I don’t understand where all of this madness began. 

Ever seen this on a more recent menu?

untitled.jpg

Are you kidding me?  Gratuity is included?  Maybe people have forgotten what gratuity means?  It means that if I’m grateful for the job you did and believe you deserve a bonus for it, then I will graciously and voluntarily leave you something extra.  But to add it in already–I don’t think so.  It should then be called a “Mandatory” not a “Gratuity.”

And what about all these tip grabbers:  Bell hops, Sky Cap Guys, Taxi Cab Drivers, Shuttle Bus Drivers, Delivery guys, Wine Stewards, Escort services, where does it end?  Where is my tip?  How about when I win a jury trial, maybe then my client could give me a Hummer as a tip. (well that of course, is ridiculous)

But thanks to Billary we can finally say goodbye to the tip-entitlement mentality.  Oh, she may think it is okay to give all children a $5000 college tuition bonus, she may think that we can have Nationalized health care, she may even think we should all sell our homes and rebuild them so that we all live in 1500 square feet Habitats for Humanity, but tipping the hard working blue collar man/woman, forget it.  That is out of the question. 

First, ABC reported that: “In early October, Sen. Hillary Clinton’s ‘Middle Class Express’ made a pit stop at the Maid Rite diner in Marshalltown, Iowa. The New York senator, joined by local political luminaries Christie Vilsack and Ruth Harkin, enjoyed a famous loose meat sandwich and attempted to hand caucus cards to the Iowans inside. Clinton also spoke to one of the diner’s waitresses, Anita Esterday. It was her first day on the job and she and Clinton shared a short exchange. Esterday, who has three jobs and works 12 hour shifts, said to Clinton “both of my sons have worked since they were 14 years old”; Clinton told her, “I’m proud of you.” But, according to Esterday, that’s where Clinton’s gratitude ended as the campaign crew left with nary a gratuity for any of the hard working Maid-Riters. “I mean, nobody got left a tip that day,” Esterday said in an interview with NPR after a visit by Senator Clinton.”

You go girl.  Now I can eat and really know how much the bill will be.  I can carry my own bags to the airport terminal and to my hotel room without the fear of some nasty commoners hand sticking out for some of my crumbs. 

But then, just as I was beginning to imagine the pain and horror of punching a “D” chad out of a ballot next year–she showed her true colors:

It turns out she did leave a tip as it was later reported that: “UPDATE: The Clinton campaign contacted ABC News to assert that they did, contrary to Esterday’s claim to NPR, pay $157 for food at Maid-Rite and left a $100 tip to be split among the staff.  Sensing the story was reaching the tipping point, ABC News’ Eloise Harper contacted Brad Crawford, manager of Maid-Rite caught in the political mixer, who said the senator’s staff did pay a tip but “it might have not been disbursed properly.”

So it appears to be the fault of the Maid-Rite cashier, Bobby “Buttkicker” Mahoney.  He was interviewed and had this to say:

 “Now look, I may not have all my grain in the silo, and my skylight might leak a little-but I ain’t stupid.  When that pretty lady screamed at that secret service guy to pony up another $100, I thought, “finally I can buy that yard cow I’ve had my eyes on.”

  “A’int she purty?  In fact I might have enough left over to get some real nice dresses to make her look even better. How’s I spose to know that it was for that dumb waitress that won’t ever let me take her out to the Chicken Shack for beer and peanuts?”

Apparently the controversy over the tip rages on in Iowa but the point is that Ms. Clinton did leave a giant tip.  In fact it was 60% of her bill which begs the question, “What did she eat?”  The menu at the Maid-Rite Diner’s most expensive item is $7.99 for a chicken finger basket.  How does one spend $157 at a diner like this? Of course, she is eating for 3-herself and her 2 hips.  Here she is just after the meal explaining to more local commoners the reason behind her anti-tip legislation idea.

fat-hillary-clinton.jpg  Yeesh-those hips they are a growin’

So, I guess instead of no tipping she is going to over-tip.  This ought to be a good clue into how she intends to spend all of our money.  For every dollar spent she will waste $.60.  That sounds awesome.  But don’t fret–she still thinks tipping is wrong–unless it comes from the Government, then the tip is truly gratuitous.   So say goodbye to gratuities–if you want a tip, you don’t get to earn it, instead you have to line up at the white house to get it–which is really so much easier.   After all-it takes a village but only if everyone in the village can grab some dough from the tip jar.  Thanks again Hillary-your compassion and love for America remains consistent.

-Murphy  (P.S.–this is meant to be satire–please do not send the waiters union to my house with picket signs–I always tip 20%–I’m a compassionate Republican after all)

Man-Eating Deer Enraged By Global Warming!

November 7, 2007

I have to apologize for my obvious idiocy.  Clearly I have been wrong about challenging and making fun of the Al Gore Church of Global Warming Armegeddon.   It would appear that since temperatures are rising at an alarming rate, the animal kingdom has become more aggressive.  See this story from the AP (if you are a member of PETA, you better get some tissue first):

The Associated Press

TRUMANN, Ark.—Greg Vincent thought he was kidding when he told his 13-year-old son and a nephew that he could use his hunting knife to handle a snorting buck that was about to charge them.  In the woods in Fulton County for last weekend’s youth hunt, the group was tracking a different deer that Vincent’s son Kyle had shot when a six-point buck appeared in their path.

“I told everyone to just be still and see what he was going to do,” Vincent said.

The buck was about 15 yards away, staring at them.

“We had left our guns at the camp, and all I had was a hunting knife,” he said.

Most deer will run off when they see a person. Not this one.

“I took out my knife and jokingly told the boys I would take care of the deer if it attacked,” he said. Then the animal lowered its head, shook its antlers, snorted, pawed the ground and advanced on them.

It got close to Kyle, and that’s when Vincent rushed the animal. He grabbed the antlers, jerked the deer’s head around and stabbed it in the ribs. Vincent said he hoped that would make the animal run away, but the animal kept struggling.  Vincent hung onto the deer’s neck as they tumbled into a creek and he dropped the knife. He yelled for the boys to find the knife, and nephew Dillon Vincent placed the knife in his uncle’s hand.

“When I stabbed the neck, I pulled the knife as hard as I could,” Greg Vincent said, ripping a large gash that probably would have been fatal. The deer continued to struggle but was growing weaker. Vincent, who was a competitive weightlifter in high school, was tiring, too. Within moments, his father, Harvey Vincent, finished off the animal with a shot from Kyle’s rifle.  The Vincents learned later from a game warden that the deer was aggressive probably because it was in rut.

 This has got to stop.  Deer are supposed to be kind, sweet, pretty animals.  But look at these images:

   

 

Something has to be done.  Many years ago when the world was warmer still, even rabbits became ferocious.

We must come up with a solution.   Well the good hunters of Texas have it.  We need to keep the deer cooler so that they will be willing to happily trot to the feeder so we can blast their pretty little heads off.  A crack team of engineers at Texas A&M has come up with the Deer Cooling Fan Thingy Device:

You simply fill a blue plastic pool looking thing with ice and then place a giant fan on one side.  As the fan blows across the ice it will cool the air.  These should be strategically placed all around the deer feeders so that when the deer come in all mad and aggressive, it will cool them down.  Kind of like these misting tents used to keep people at amusement parks when it is 105 degrees outside so they will keep paying $5 for a small soda:

Now there is one problem–where to get all of the ice.  I have set up a small shop on the North pole.  Since it is all melting anyway I figured time to jump on the capitalistic idea of the century.  I and my staff are tirelessly chipping pieces of the polar ice cap off before they melt and then shipping the ice to Texas for use in the Deer Cooler things.  I’ll have an IPO later this month and will update you on how to invest.

Let’s all do our part to cool off the animals.  The lives of our brave hunters out there in the field may very well depend on it.

 -Murphy

The Argument For Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 5: Cell Phones

November 5, 2007

And now for this week’s chapter in the ongoing epic detailing blow by blow, word by word, why the Government should control all aspects of our lives.  As you know, the Government “cares” about it citizens and “worries” about their well-being.  We, of course, are all nothing but silly sheep herding around looking for a Shepherd with a website that ends in “.gov” to show us the way.  We are like children with no parents, like ducks with no “V” to fly in , like dung beetles with no dung, like…you get the picture. 

Thankfully, the Government “knows” what is best for us and when it sees a problem in society it swoops in with what can only be called the “best and ONLY solution.” 

For example:

BY SUSAN K. LIVIO

Star-Ledger Staff

Beginning March 1, people who send text messages or use hand-held cell phones while they drive should be prepared to fork over $100.

Gov. Jon Corzine signed a bill yesterday that makes talking on a hand-held cell phone a primary offense, according to the National Council of State Legislatures. New Jersey becomes the fourth state to enact such a measure, joining California, Connecticut and New York.

Those dadgum cell phones are causing so many accidents.  Of course, as the Government wisely points out–it is not humans that cause them, but devices such as cell phones and SUV’s.  I am thankful for such laws, for without them we would be running our cars into each other and we would surely all perish.

However, I think the Government has made a good start here, but it seems that it is just not enough.  After all, cell phones are one of MANY distractions that actually cause accidents.   I am writing a letter to my Senators (ooops, can’t–its Hutchison and Cornyn)–okay, I’ll just write Sheila Jackson Lee and see if she can suggest a Federal law that is similar along with outlawing the following other activities while driving.

  1. Eating a taco or hamburger
  2. Opening a straw covered in plastic instead of paper
  3. Painting your nails
  4. Finding the right CD
  5. Skipping a song on your IPod which is hooked to an IRadio device
  6. Arguing with your spouse
  7. Arguing with your kids
  8. Arguing with yourself
  9. Rolling down the window to give someone a 3-D flip-off
  10. Rolling down the window to spit
  11. Lighting a cigarette/cigar
  12. Driving within 30 minutes of finding out you failed a final exam
  13. Driving on the Kansas Turnpike when you have to go to the bathroom
  14. Reading the mail, newspaper, latest Danielle Steel novel
  15. Blinking
  16. Sneezing
  17. Coughing
  18. Laughing
  19. Crying
  20. Singing
  21. Thinking (unless about driving)
  22. Digging for change for the toll road
  23. Driving by the Ocean
  24. Looking at a beautiful person walking down the road
  25. Looking at a map (especially a Yahoo map)
  26. Wishing upon a star
  27. Looking at a rainbow
  28. Pointing out the moo-cows to your 2 year old
  29. Passing
  30. Turning
  31. Stopping
  32. Driving with an insect in your car (felony if it is a bee or wasp)
  33. Listening to NPR if you are a Conservative
  34. Listening to Rush if you are a Liberal
  35. Listening to Rap at all
  36. Listening to any sporting event except soccer
  37. Writing a check
  38. Writing a grocery list
  39. Checking a to-do list
  40. Digging for a Bed Bath and Beyond Coupon
  41. and of course, any form of sex.

I know there are more–but alas, I’m not nearly as smart as the Government.  This should get them starting.  We can only hope that the final list will be endless, cover everything and then, finally, we will be safe on the road.

-Murphy