Archive for October 2007

Happy Halloween!

October 31, 2007

I was going to post a clever picture of Hillary Clinton “practicing to be President” and then show the inside of that card which  says “This is the Scariest Halloween Card I Could Find”  but, after going to Still Stacy’s blog site I knew I could not compete.  Therefore, I suggest that you click the following:

I can’t top it, so why try.

The Argument for Bigger Governmental Control of Our Lives: Chapter 4: More Brilliant Laws!

October 29, 2007

A great shout-out to Dr. Sanity’s website for posting my last entry in this continuing saga.  When we left off last week we explored some of the laws in Texas that shed light on why we simply cannot handle our lives alone–we must have the Government to help us.  It is the only way we can survive in this harsh, cruel and diabolical world we live in.  And so, in Chapter 4 I’ve decided to show you more reasons why the Government should do our thinking.  We are simply too … simple to think for ourselves–without laws like these, we would surely perish!

I was traveling through Kansas when my Camry broke down (like that would happen) and since I was on the turnpike and the next exit was 63 miles away I felt hopeless.  Suddenly it hit me–if I could just get a small rope and catch me a rodent or maybe even a raccoon, I could put a self-made bit in its mouth and ride that animal all the way to the next Hardee’s.  But then I was reminded that in Kansas, under Statute 10.12.050, it is unlawful (unless in a parade) to ride an animal on a street, highway or any other public ground.  So I began the long walk… 

It became late  so I thought “Maybe if I holler real loud, someone will help me.”  I began to hoot and yell for help.  A car came up beside me and a kind old woman reminded me of Section 54-158 which states that “yelling, shouting, hooting, whistling or singing on the public streets between 11 and 7 a.m. is unlawful.  The tragedy is that I had just seen “Hairspray” and that dadgum “You Can’t Stop the Beat” was stuck in my head and the only way to get rid of it was to sing–but alas, I couldn’t.  So I continued my journey…

As I thought about that stupid singing law I got mad, so finding a stick and some trash I made a make-shift protesting sign and began to picket as I walked.  I felt all ACLU and my spirit began to soar.  Suddenly a police man ripped the sign from my hand and said “What is wrong with you boy, can’t you see there is a funeral over there.”  Sure enough, a few yards ahead on the side of the road was a funeral procession.  How could I forget  Section 11.28.064 which strictly prohibits any picketing during the period 60 mintues before and 60 minutes after any funeral at any cemetary, church, mosque, temple, etc…  How stupid of me.

 Can you imagine what the scene would have been without these laws?  There I would have been riding some wild raccoon into someone’s funeral procession of a guy who had a heart attack, holding a picketing sign and singing “You Can’t Stop the Beat”  at the top of my voice.  How horrific that would have been.  Thank you Kansas–you’ve saved us all.


John Edwards is Simply a Communist. Stalin Would Be Proud.

October 29, 2007

I apologize, but I’m starting off this week mad.  First news article I read sent me screaming for the hills.  If the voters of this Country elect John Edwards as President or elect “blank” with John as Vice-President then it is truly time to open up the book of Revelation and get ready for the end.  In his latest speech, Senator Edwards detailed numerous plans he has to essentially take over nearly ever aspect of our lives.

John Edwards says if he’s elected president, he’ll institute a New Deal-like suite of programs to fight poverty and stem growing wealth disparity. To do it, he said, he’ll ask many Americans to make sacrifices, like paying higher taxes.

Edwards, a former Democratic senator from North Carolina, says the federal government should underwrite universal pre-kindergarten, create matching savings accounts for low-income people, mandate a minimum wage of $9.50 and provide a million new Section 8 housing vouchers for the poor. He also pledged to start a government-funded public higher education program called “College for Everyone.”

“It is central to what I want to do as president to do something about economic inequality. I do not believe it is okay for the United States of America to have 37 million people living in poverty,” he said in a meeting with Monitor reporters and editors this week. “And I think we need, desperately need, a president who will say that to America and call on Americans to show their character.”

At every stop, Edwards said, he tells voters he’ll ask them to sacrifice. Asked to describe what he means, he described his plan for increases in capital gains taxes, saying taxes on “wealth income” should be in line with those on work income.

“I think if we want to fund the things that I think are important to share in prosperity, then people who have done well in this country, including me, have more of a responsibility to give back,” he said. Later, he added: “There are no free meals.”

What am I missing here?  “Share in prosperity?”  How about letting those who prosper decide what to do with their prosperity since after all—THEY EARNED IT!!!!!

 A review of some famous C0mmunist leaders is certainly appropriate at this juncture.  Let’s see–what about that famous handsome young Joseph Stalin.  Remember him–he single handedly destroyed the Russian economy and killed millions of his own citizens in the process.  He began his ‘reign’ by condemning the kulaks, or land owning peasants that had become wealthy. He claimed that they were not putting the Soviet Union as their first priority and not providing industry workers with enough food. Stalin forced the people to set up collective farms that were owned by the government. 5 million kulaks and farmers were exiled because they were too wealthy, objected, or refused to farm collectively.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?  National Health care, taxes on the wealthy, sharing in prosperity, the need to do something about “economic inequality.”  News flash Mr. Plaintiff Attorney–economic inequality exists because some people earn more than others because of their education or their work ethic or their brain power or the dot com boom.  In any event that money belongs to the Government–no, I’m sorry to THEM.  Stalin was known for saying “A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.”  Nice guy, but I’m guessing Senator Edwards has read this quote while sitting in his Italian Leather chairs in the middle of his library in his GIANT house.

Let me state this more clearly. Here are some highlights of a famous book that seems to echo many of John Edwards’ ideas:

  1. Abolition of property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes.
  2. A heavy progressive or graduated income tax.
  3. Abolition of all right of inheritance.
  4. Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels.
  5. Centralization of credit in the hands of the State, by means of a national bank with State capital and an exclusive monopoly.
  6. Centralization of the means of communication and transport in the hands of the State.
  7. Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the State; the bringing into cultivation of waste-lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan.
  8. Equal liability of all to labour. Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture.
  9. Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country, by a more equable distribution of the population over the country.
  10. Free education for all children in public schools. Abolition of children’s factory labour in its present form. Combination of education with industrial production.

These are the 10 Planks of the “Communist Manifesto”  written by Karl Marx.  Actually, if you look at a young picture of Karl, he kind of looks like John Edwards with a beard.

The younger Karl Marx.    Picture  Of course, John’s hair is so much more dreamy than Karl’s dissheveled mane. 

If the polls shift his way, I suggest buying stock in whatever company makes flags that look like this:

Flag of Russian SFSR.svg


In the Year 102,007 You Might Be a Goblin.

October 27, 2007

Well, that’s it, I’ve now officially heard IT ALL.  I thought when I found out that people didn’t believe we actually went to the Moon and that Mayor Nagin said that he wanted a “chocolate city” that I had heard it all but this takes the cake.  According to a Daily Mail article:

The human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures, according to a top scientist. 100,000 years into the future, sexual selection could mean that two distinct breeds of human will have developed.

The alarming prediction comes from evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry from the London School of Economics, who says that the human race will have reached its physical peak by the year 3000.

These humans will be between 6ft and 7ft tall and they will live up to 120 years.

“Physical features will be driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility that men and women have evolved to look for in potential mates,” says the report, which suggests that advances in cosmetic surgery and other body modifying techniques will effectively homogenise our appearance. Men will have symmetrical facial features, deeper voices and bigger penises, according to Curry in a report commissioned for men’s satellite TV channel Bravo. Women will all have glossy hair, smooth hairless skin, large eyes and pert breasts, according to Curry. Racial differences will be a thing of the past as interbreeding produces a single coffee-coloured skin tone. The future for our descendants isn’t all long life, perfect bodies and chiselled features, however.

While humans will reach their peak in 1000 years’ time, 10,000 years later our reliance on technology will have begun to dramatically change our appearance. Medicine will weaken our immune system and we will begin to appear more child-like. Dr Curry said: “The report suggests that the future of man will be a story of the good, the bad and the ugly.

After reading this article I actually felt some of my brain matter dissolve into my cranium.  I don’t want to get into a whole evolution v. creation argument here but there is no scientific proof or even any hard evidence to suggest that we used to be apes. 

Putting that aside–how about the picture of our future this quack has painted?  Some of us will evolve into “dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures.”  Like maybe….

  Yikes!  Dr. Curry may be on to something.

 And then he says that the rest of us will be his version of perfect–men will have symmetrical facial features, deeper voices and be well endowed and women will have glossy hair, hairless skin and “pert” breasts.  Like maybe….

  This is Dr. Candace Pert.  She discovered receptors in the brain that respond to heroin.  Weird.

I suppose the men will look like…

This man must be a comedian.  Here he is on the left:

He is the one with the dim-witted goblin-like grin on his face, not the one that looks like a young Dan Rather.  He has contributed to a television documentary “The Root of all Evil?” which argues that the world would be better off without religion.  Hmmmmm…agenda much?

I was going to get on here and slam him and talk about what an obvious moron, agenda-driven, quack he is, but then I saw a more recent picture of his son and now I see where he gets his theories.  Here his son is pictured at a rally for nudism…

So sorry Dr. Curry–didn’t mean any offense.  You are clearly right on target.  But do I have to wait 100,000 years for those good changes you mentioned?


The Argument for Bigger Government Control of Our Lives. Chapter 3: Brilliant Laws

October 25, 2007

Well, I’m back from my trial in Dallas.  12-0 verdict in my client’s favor so I’m feeling very optimistic about life and the world.  So I’m in the perfect mood to bring chapter 3 of this continuing saga of why the Government should take more control of our everyday life.  Remember, the Government is made up of 3 branches.  One is the legislative branch where representatives and senators make up laws out of the right side of their butt–the creative side. (or is that the left?)   Am I going to fast for the Democrats reading this?  Oh yeah, there aren’t any.

Anywho—I came across some laws on the books in various States that have helped me stay away from making bad decisions.  After all, we all need a governmental body telling us what to do so we don’t do stupid stuff.

For example, I was a little low on cash last month so I thought, “Maybe I could sell one of my eyes–the left one since it is the Democrat eye.”  Then I ran across a law in Texas at 48.02 of the Texas Penal Code which makes it illegal to sell your own eye.  Whew!  Almost messed that up.

Then I thought, I wish Texas had a State Flower Song.  It has a State Flower (bluebonnet) and it has a State Song (Texas, Our Texas), so how about a State Flower Song.  I’m too stupid to come up with one because I don’t work for the Government.  So I checked and thank goodness in 1933 at Article 6143bb, the state passed a law adopting as our State Flower Song…..”The Bluebonnet Song.”  Isn’t that weird?  That State Flower is the Bluebonnet–whoa, my mind is ripping apart.   Freaky isn’t it?

So I was thirsty after all of this brain work and I thought I’d get a beer.  But unfortunately it was 12:30 a.m. on Sunday and in Texas, you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday.  When I read that law, my brain finally exploded. 

The problem is, without these laws I’d be walking around town at 1 in the morning on a Monday drinking beer with one eye and singing the wrong State Flower Song like some kind of moron.  Thank God for Government!


Microwaved Babies and Gay Wizards? What is going on?

October 22, 2007

I’m getting ready for a 2-4 day trial in Dallas, Texas and it is so hard to concentrate.  I’m disturbed by two news stories that broke this weekend.  First, the microwave idiot:

 GALVESTON, Texas (AP) — An attorney for a man accused of injuring his 2-month-old daughter by putting her in a microwave oven has filed his intent to use an insanity defense.

Joshua Mauldin, 20, of Warren, Ark., is accused putting his daughter in a hotel room microwave oven in May, critically injuring the child. Investigators have testified that he also placed the girl in a refrigerator and in a hotel room safe.

Attorney Sam Cammack III filed notice in state district court of the intent to plead insanity. Under state law, a person can be found not guilty by reason of insanity if a jury finds the defendant did not know that his or her actions were wrong.

Cammack’s motion calls for Dr. Michael Fuller, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Medical Branch, to evaluate Mauldin as an independent examiner.

Prosecutors also have the option of appointing a psychiatrist to examine Mauldin.

The May 10 incident happened as Mauldin, his wife and daughter were moving to Galveston, where Mauldin planned to be a preacher.

Investigators found human tissue in the microwave that matched the burns on the left side of the girl’s face and her left hand. Police have said the infant was in the oven 10 to 20 seconds.

The girl is in the custody of relatives, recovering from her injuries. Mauldin and his wife, Eva Mauldin, are prohibited from contacting them.

Knock me over with a feather.  He is going to plead insanity?  When did it begin, when he put her in the safe or the refrigerator or did it not really kick in until the microwave got involved.   My favorite part of this story is that he was moving to Galveston “where Mauldin planned to be a preacher.”  I suppose the intentional nuking of his daughter kind of derailed those plans.   If a Galveston jury finds this guy non guilty by reason of insanity then all may be lost (see post below).   I’ve microwaved pasta before–that is insane, it comes out all rubbery and then 4 seconds later it is hard as a rock.  He shouldn’t plead insanity, he should plead Arkansas.  No offense to our brothers from the North but the education system there is not great–maybe he thought if he cooked her for a few minutes she would come out a teenager and be able to pass out programs at his new church.

Then I read this story:

There could hardly have been a bigger sensation if Russell Crowe, Rod Stewart or Sven-Goran Eriksson had come out of the closet. Millions of fans around the world were yesterday digesting the news that one of the main characters in the Harry Potter novels, Albus Dumbledore, is gay.

The revelation came from author JK Rowling during a question-and-answer session at New York’s Carnegie Hall. It instantly hurtled around the internet and the world. News websites in China and Germany announced starkly: ‘JK Rowling: “Dumbledore is gay”.’ One blogger wrote on a fansite: ‘My head is spinning. Wow. One more reason to love gay men.’

After reading briefly from her mega-selling book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on Friday night, Rowling took questions from an audience of 1,600 students. A 19-year-old from Colorado asked about the avuncular headmaster of Hogwarts School: ‘Did Dumbledore, who believed in the prevailing power of love, ever fall in love himself?’

The author replied: ‘My truthful answer to you…I always thought of Dumbledore as gay.’ The audience reportedly fell silent – then erupted into prolonged applause.

Rowling, 42, continued: ‘Dumbledore fell in love with Grindelwald [a bad wizard he defeated long ago], and that added to his horror when Grindelwald showed himself to be what he was. To an extent, do we say it excused Dumbledore a little more because falling in love can blind us to an extent, but he met someone as brilliant as he was and, rather like Bellatrix, he was very drawn to this brilliant person and horribly, terribly let down by him.’

She added: ‘Yeah, that’s how I always saw Dumbledore. In fact, recently I was in a script read-through for the sixth film, and they had Dumbledore saying a line to Harry early in the script saying, “I knew a girl once, whose hair…” I had to write a little note in the margin and slide it along to the scriptwriter, “Dumbledore’s gay!”‘

Wha?  Forgetting the absurdity of this notion, what about the blogger that says “one more reason to love gay men?”  In case you haven’t seen him in a while–here is his picture:

 This is one more reason?  I’m no judge of the attractiveness of men, but seriously.  Why in the world did JK do this?  What possible purpose could she have to out a character that in 7 books she never mentions his tendencies?  I’ll tell you why?  To distract me from preparing for my trial.  Yes, it is in fact all about me.

Have a good week–I’ll update reasons to allow the government to control our lives later in the week.


Stark Raving Mad!!! Let Me Tell You What Amuses Me.

October 19, 2007

Today Pete Stark, Democrat representative from the Conservative State of California had this to say regarding his anger over Bush’s veto of the SCHIP legislation as that compares to funding the war:

“Where are you going to get that money? Are you going to tell us lies like you’re telling us today? Is that how you’re going to fund the war? You don’t have money to fund the war or children. But you’re going to spend it to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president’s amusement.”

This kind of sounds like a third grader trying to “cut-down” another kid in class he doesn’t like.  Remember all Gen-Xers, we used to call “slamming” someone, giving them a “cut-down.” Anyway, I digress.  I know Democrats love to spew rhetoric about the war and President Bush but to say that he is amused by children having their heads blown off is so over-the top stupid and juvenille that it hardly bears comment.  Nevertheless, I thought I’d let you know what amuses me in no partcular order.

 1.  Hearing Democrats say that George Bush was “selected” not “elected.” (referring to the first election)

2. Hillary Clinton campaigning without her “husband.”

3. Roadrunner Cartoons

4. The movie “Dodgeball”

5. Laurie Kendrick’s Blog.

6. Watching that YouTube Video of John Edwards combing his hair.

7. Seinfeld (oh how I wish it would come back)

8. Traditions at Texas A&M University

9.  Gary Larson

10. Brian Regan-(funniest comedian in the world)

11. The fact that Rosie O’Donnel wrote a book

12. The fact that Clinton’s book “My Life” still has numerous copies on the shelf at a nearby bookstore–but only in the Spanish version.

13. Rev. Jesse Jackson’s Congregation

14. When someone laughs after taking a drink and blows liquid out their nose and mouth.

15. The word “Shenanigans”

This is just a short list.  But the top would be Democrat Representatives who say wretched things about our President that are so bad that even other Democrats are not repeating it.


Challenges of Parenting–Is All Lost?

October 16, 2007

As a parent of 3 kids I find that the most challenging thing is being a filter.  You know, the world sends images and information and you have to filter it before your kids see/hear it.  For example, not really appropriate for my 5 year old to go with me to see “Saw IV” (unless he has been bad–then I could tell him that this is what Santa does to kids that are bad).

As they get older, I have such difficult decisions to make.  Like, when can they see a “PG-13” movie, when can they get their ears pierced, when can they have their first Botox injection, when can they date…  I suppose my dream, like many dads, is that my kids will grow up making wise decisions, find a person to love them forever and live to a ripe old age happy, healthy and wealthy.

 But then, I see something like this and I think–all is lost, I might as well go back to blogging, eat dark chocolate by the pound and spend my money taking trips with my wife to Napa Valley. 


Suggestions For Festive Halloween Carving

October 15, 2007

In case you think your little cute pumpkin is just not scary enough this Halloween, I suggest the carved watermelon as a nice substitute.  This is about as sick of a display of “art” as I’ve seen in a while.  This is Rosacea gone amuck.  I think the white rose on the left makes it all better, don’t you?   YEESH!!!

The Argument For Bigger Government Control Of Our Lives: Chapter 2

October 15, 2007

In my continuing quest to bring you proof as to why we should let the government control our lives in every way–I present Chapter 2: “Earmarks, Also Known as Kickbacks” 

 Here is another example of how the government works just like a typical Free Enterprise market.  The Seattle Times reports the following in a headline entitled, “$4.5 million for a boat that nobody wanted:”  (link is: )

 Earmarks are federal dollars that members of Congress dole out to favor seekers — often campaign donors. In the process, lawmakers advocate for the companies, helping them bypass the normal system of evaluation and competition.  This can result in earmarks that are wasteful or potentially harmful….

 In June 2005, Rep. Wu of Oregon arrived in Iraq and handed out free T-shirts to Marines. He was promoting the wares of InSport, a Portland-area company that makes fast-drying polyester shirts.  Earlier that year, Wu and other Northwest lawmakers got a $2 million earmark in the defense bill to sell T-shirts to the Marines. Wu said the shirts would be far more comfortable than the cotton ones the Marines wore under body armor.  But there was a big problem with these T-shirts, a problem encountered in the deserts of Iraq and in 1982 during the Falklands invasion.

Polyester clothing melts in intense heat, adhering to the skin. “This essentially creates a second skin and can lead to horrific, disfiguring burns,” said Capt. Lynn E. Welling, the 1st Marine Logistics Group head surgeon, who conducted research in Iraq in early 2006.

Months after Wu’s visit, a Marine wearing a polyester T-shirt was riding in an armored vehicle in Iraq when a bomb hidden on the road exploded. Even though the Marine wore a protective vest, the shirt melted in the explosion, contributing to severe burns over 70 percent of his body. Doctors had to extract the shirt’s remains from the Marine’s torso.

In April 2006, the Marines banned polyester T-shirts for use in combat or anywhere outside the protected “Green Zone” bases.  But in July, because of Wu’s earmark, the Marines announced the purchase of 87,000 of the banned polyester T-shirts, along with 11,000 T-shirts with fire-resistant sleeves. None was allowed in battle, the Marines said.

David Costello, a lobbyist for InSport, said that when InSport and Wu sought the earmark, the company thought the troops’ body armor would prevent the shirts from melting. Once the Marines banned these kinds of shirts, they were instead used for training.

Wu’s spokeswoman said the Marines were happy to have funds for the shirts, citing a thank-you letter from the Secretary of the Navy that came a month before the ban.  Even after the ban, Wu inserted another $1 million earmark in the next defense bill to make the Marines buy the InSport shirts again, noting that the company was working to develop a heat-resistant shirt for combat use.  The Marines instead used that money to buy flame-resistant fleece garments from InSport.  Executives of InSport and its owner, Vital Apparel, donated $6,100 to Wu’s campaign in a single day at the end of the earmark “season.”

The day after the bill passed on Sept. 29, 2006, one executive gave another $750 to Wu. Two others followed with identical donations within three weeks.  But by then, the Marine Corps had done months of testing to find the best fire-resistant T-shirts. It selected two shirts, one made by Potomac Field Gear, the other by Danskin, according to the Marines.  InSport’s T-shirt — even its new fire-resistant version — still can’t be used in combat, said 1st Lt. Geraldine Carey of the Marine Corps Systems Command.

 So…a Portland Company got one of Oregon’s State Representatives to promote the use and purchase of their T-shirts for the military in Iraq and the Representative received some hefty donations to his campaign.  Well, I’m sorry, I just don’t see the connection.  What is really at work here is a diabolical plan to bring the troops home by the Democratic Representative.  If the troops wear the T-Shirts and then get burned from the melted fabric, they will have to come home due to injury.  Brilliant!

I shouldn’t be so hard on Rep. Wu, after all, what he is doing is no different that what I do here in Houston.  I have some local businesses here that like to use my services to ensure that they don’t get bothered by crime or lawsuits or other such silliness.  So for a fee (say 30-40% of their profits each month) I make sure that they are well protected.  My name is Tony Soprano-Wu.