Arizona’s New National Guard Troops–And Other “Fair” Fights.

Well, it would appear that the United States Government is jumping at the chance to assist Arizona in its battle against illegal immigration.  I know, I said it… “ILLEGAL.”  I’m sorry, let me be more sensitive. 

Well, it would appear that the United States Government is jumping at the chance to assist Arizona in its quest to find an amicable solution to the issues surrounding undocumented workers that are simply trying to find a better life away from their oppressors in Mexico. 

(I just threw up in my mouth a little)

Arizona asked the government for 3,000 National Guard troops to assist them.  The response? 

30!

That’s right a whopping 30!

But that seems fair doesn’t it?  I mean there have been many battles over the years where one side outnumbered the other by such vast numbers and yet, the underdog won.

Take for example the Alamo.

Why that was about 200  men against about 2000 troops and after all they…oh yeah, they all perished.

Well what about the 480 B.C.Battle of Thermopylae?  There 300 Spartans and a few hundred Thespian volunteers and other fought a massive Persian army ranking in the 1000′s.  And they held firm and….oh yeah, they all perished.

Of course, there have been famous battles over the years where the underdog won.  For example, there were at least 2 major battles in the civil war where the confederacy was heavily outnumbered but won the battle nonetheless.   And after all at the end of it all…oh yeah, the Union won the war.

I have a novel idea–I know it may seem radical and crazy, but just think about it for a little bit.  Maybe the Federal Government could actually listen to the “troops on the ground” and send them what they need. 

I know, I know, I’m talking foolishness.  We all know that we are just stupid and the only person who truly knows what we need is mommy and daddy government–and especially Barack “Pookie” Obama.

How can we possibly argue with this guy?  Sorry AZ, you are on your own.

-Murphy

A Call To Ban John Cusack Films–Eh, Why Bother?

Well, apparently John Cusack’s need to be heard has elevated itself to new lows.  (That sentence is admittedly odd)–In any event, he went on a rampage on Twitter recently saying “ I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS.”

So, is he a Satanist and hopes that they set up headquarters at Fox News for easy access? Or does he want Satanists to kill all of these people?  Either way, weird to call on Satan for assistance in anything.  I mean, when you are looking for help in a situation, asking the father of lies for assistance seems kind of counterproductive.  But I think we get the point of his twit-tweet.

I am all for First Amendment rights.  I think people should be able to say whatever they want to say so long as it doesn’t purposely incite riots or rise to the level of defamation.  However, what the left needs to understand is that there is no Constitutional protection from the consequences your words may bring about. 

I thought about Mr. Cusack in the context of other irrelevant self-proclaimed political figures such as Barbara Streisand, Tim Robbins, Ted Danson and others and his comment ranks number one on the nasty scale.

So what are we to do?  What consequence should he suffer?  Well, the most popular consequence by either the left or the right is to boycott his artistic work.  Hmmmm….artistic work such as this?

1.  Class (1983)

 Wow–he is not even on the poster of this hideous trash.  I can boycott.

2.  Sixteen Candles

Again-not on the poster–in fact his role in this was so small I could simply shut my eyes during those portions–boycott.

3.  Grandview, U.S.A.

Okay this is ridiculous–he has been in these movies, but not big roles–and–seriously–this movie is awful.  Boycott-(mainly because it is a waste of time).

 

Don’t believe me?  Check this out:

 

 

But I digress–in a huge way.  Let’s look at the body of work where he was the “star” of the movie.

 

4.  Better Off Dead

  

 

Ummm, garbage.  Boycott.

 

5.  Hot Pursuit

 

 

Take a look:

 

 

Boycott.

 

6.  A Slew of Garbage

 

Hot Tub Time Machine (Actor and Producer); War, Inc. (huh?); Grace is Gone; The Ice Harvest; Max; 1408; Must Love Dogs; America’s Sweethearts; Pushing Tin; This is My Father; Chicago Cab; City Hall; The Road to Wellville; Bullets Over Broadway; Floundering; Money for Nothing; Map of the Human Heart; Shadows and Fog; Roadside Prophets; etc….

 

So this is an easy call–no Boycott–the public boycotts most of this already because it is not good.

 

So John, thanks for 2012 and Say Anything and maybe Martian Child, and keep ranting about Satan and the Republicans if you want to, nobody cares.

 

-Murphy

Obama Calls Bush Before Troop Speech: But why?

According to the New York Post, Obama made a call to former President George W. Bush today from Air Force One while heading to Ft. Bliss to address the troops regarding the Iraq troop withdrawal.  But why would he do this?

I suppose there are various reasons but let’s examine this a little more closely.

I.  Obama’s Catch 22

In today’s speech, Obama finds himself in quite the predicament.  On the one hand he has always said that Iraq was the “wrong war.”  Further, the troop surge, according to then Senator Obama was a huge mistake.  Don’t recall that–let’s take a listen.

But wait, there’s more…In February of this year VP Biden had this to say:

Ummm….wha?

So, how will Obama tell the tale today?  He can’t blast Bush without demeaning the troops objective and essentially admitting defeat.  He can’t praise the troops for winning the war because he thinks the war is wrong.  And so…what did he and President Bush talk about.

Well, we here at MKCB have tapped into the ultra-secret phone line aboard Air Force One to bring you this exclusive phone call–here is the transcript of what we are pretty sure we heard…

[ring, ring, ring]

Bush:  Former President Bush here, miss me yet?

BO:     Umm, heh, umm, no…but umm.. anyway, sorry to bother you at home Mr. Bush, President Barack Obama here, how are you today?

Bush:  [smirking] Well, Barry I kinda thought you might call today.  I’m out at the ranch clearing some trees in the back and remembered something about a self-imposed arbitrary deadline regarding troops that you mentioned last year and figured you would be calling.  What can I do for the American people today?

BO:  Well, as you know I’m giving a speech before Ft. Bliss today and my speech writers are having trouble deciding whether I should praise myself and my leadership in bringing an end to the war, blast you again as I always enjoy doing, mention the needless loss of life in pursuit of oil and your dad’s revenge or all three.  I’m kind of nervous about it [puff, puff] and thought I’d see what you thought.

Bush:  I’d like to say I’m honored, really I’d like to…but, well, it might be a good idea to praise the troops for what they have sacrificed and accomplished, thank them and their families for their sacrifice and service, remind the world that peace in this region of the middle east is vital to our interests, remind the world that a world with out Saddam Hussein is a better world and leave it at that.  But I’m just spitballin’ here.

BO:  Well, I knew this was a waste of time.  You and your right-wing rhetoric.  The problem is I have to find a way to demonize you and the Republicans, make the Democrats look good, appease the anti-military crowd and win over the troops.  And frankly, my speech writers went to Harvard and Columbia and they are just too stupid to figure this out.

Bush:  I’d like to say I really want to help ya, I’d really like to say that…but, well, if you are calling to let me know you are going to demonize me and call me stupid again, thanks for the heads up, but I don’t see the point of this call.

BO:  I guess I just needed to do this and leak it to the press so that they would think I was somehow being nice to you right before I blast you.  Truth is, every time I’m around the military I get scared.  I’m afraid they know how much I loathe them.

Bush:  [smirking] Ohhhh, I’m sure they don’t know.  You just go up there, be yourself, and I’m sure the typical results will follow.  Your poll numbers and the stock market will go down.  Heh, heh!  Just ribbin’ ya Barry–have a great speech.

BO:  Ummm, yeah, okay I guess I…

[click]

BO:  (stupid hick)

-Murphy

Obama: “Things Could Be Worse”

Okay first of all–go to minute 47 of this hour long feature film and watch for about a minute–then you are prepared to read on…

So here we have our President saying that the way we know that the stimulus worked is because things could be worse.  And, of course, if you think about it, he is right.  I mean the argument that things could be better without it makes no sense whatsoever because, um… well… it just doesn’t.  Look stop fighting the logic of this administration because you obviously misunderstand the points they are trying to make.

For example, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that unemployment checks are creating jobs.  What?  You don’t get that?  Jeez…do I have to do all the thinking around here?

You see, when unemployed people get money, they spend it.  By spending money they are buying goods that are produced by people.  By buying those goods, people have to be employed to make more.  See?  Unemployment is good for the economy.

So you still don’t get it?  Well  I’ll try and explain it by using some other examples.

1. Al and Tipper Gore have a good marriage when Al is happy.
2. Al gets an inappropriate massage to release his shakra so that he can be happy.
3. Getting an inappropriate massage is good for Al and Tipper’s marriage. 

See?  No?  Let me try another one.

1. Cooking fish in oil is healthier than cooking fish in butter
2. BP spilled zillions of barrells of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
3. Fish in the Gulf are now covered with oil.
4. Fish covered in oil can be cooked “as is.”
5. Spilling oil into the Gulf is healthy.

It is so easy.  Okay 1 more then hopefully you will get it.

1. Tiger Woods is worth $900 million to $1 billion dollars
2. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife a billion times.
3. Tiger Woods’ wife is getting $750 million in the divorce
4. Cheating worked because her take could have been worse.

Now do you get it?  NO!!???? I give up on you guys, seriously.

-Murphy

Eclipse: An Interview with a Fan!

As your teenagers have told you, Twilight’s latest installment “Eclipse” was released to millions of views at Midnight on Tuesday.  Without commenting on our view of the series or Vampires or which team is liberal or conservative, we here at MKCB decided to interview a moviegoer waiting in line that night to see if all the hype has had an adverse affect on our society.  Here is what we determined:

Meet Mary and Jenna-two fans camping out in line to see “Eclipse” on opening night.

MKCB:   So Mary, I see you have a blanket made out of the movie poster-how did you get that?

Mary:    OMG!  It is so awesome!  I copied the picture off of the internet and took it to Walgreens and had them make this totally awesome blanket–which I so totally needed for tonight’s showing.

Jenna:  Yeah!

MKCB:  And so how long have you been camped out here waiting for the movie to begin?

Mary:  Since October 17 of last year.

Jenna:  Yeah…

MKCB:  Ummm, wow, that is amazing.  You do know don’t you that it will likely be showing all summer and you could probably see it this weekend without much trouble?

Mary:  Shut-up!  What kind of Team Edward player would I be if I didn’t show up and show Edward how loyal I am to him?  What would he think?

Jenna:  Yeah, and what would Team Jacob think?

MKCB:  Probably nothing, because he has no idea you are actually here today.

Mary:  You did not just say that! 

Jenna:  Yeah…whatever…

MKCB:  So how have you been able to survive sitting here for 8 months?

Mary:  Well, I brought a laaaaaaaa lot of chips and cokes and stuff and Jenna and I take turns watching the stuff so we can eat and go to the ladies room and stuff like that…

Jenna: Yeah…

MKCB:  Well have you been keeping up with the news?  What do you think of the oil spill?

Mary:  Dude, they totally cleaned that up years ago before that Palin chick was ever even heard of.

Jenna:  Yeah…

MKCB:  No, I mean the new oil spill.

Mary:  ummmm…. well….

MKCB:  Nevermind, what about the Al Gore sex scandal–have you heard about that?

Mary:  Ewwwwww…. seriously, that is gross and no, I’m so sure that did not happen.

Jenna: Yeah…

MKCB:  Well, enjoy the show, I just wanted you to know that the movie is 126 minutes long so you have been sitting here 2.06 days for each minute of the movie.

Mary:  BOOM!  Dude my brain just exploded.

Jenna: Yeah, mine totally did.

MKCB:  Funny, I don’t see any loose pieces lying around…

Mary:  Whatever.

James Cameron-Latest Helper Turned Away By BP

Well it seems that BP just won’t allow anyone to help them with this oil spill.  Today, James Cameron’s offer to assist with the problem was turned down by BP.  “Those morons don’t know what they are doing,” says Cameron in response to BP’s reluctance to allow him to “dive into” the problem. 

BP must really be short-sighted here.  After all, Mr. Cameron directed Titanic and…he went down in a submarine and actually saw the Titanic.  He actually worked with robot submarines in filming sequences of Titanic and Avatar.  So what is BP’s problem?  Obviously he is qualified to help.

Our newly re-employed sources here at MKCB have uncovered a host of other offers of assistance that have been turned down and we intend to expose them.  It is about time the world knew what other equally helpful offers have been recklessly turned down.

1. KRAMERICA Industries Oil Bladder Idea

Kramer had this great idea for an oil bladder that would hold oil.  He tested it out at a rubber ball company.  BP again took a pass.

2.  Rosie’s Quicker Picker Upper

Rosie has been looking for the ultimate spill to retire on and she has just the answer.  Again, however, the morons at BP “graciously said ‘no.’”

3.  Surf It Up…Dude.

The writers of “surfer” magazine offered to come out and see if they could “surf it” into a big pile for Rosie.  They explained that the ocean is “rad” and they “totally get it.”  Again, BP simply smiled and went about their own hapless efforts.

4.  “I’ll Fix It!”

Finally, our own President Obama has stated that it is his job to fix the oil spill.  He repeatedly states that it is his responsibility, assuring all of us that BP is not doing anything unless it is at HIS direction.  No word from BP yet on allowing BO to step in and cap that thing…

In light of him “fixing” GM, the economy, health care and soon Wall Street, let’s all hope they graciously tell him “no” as well.

-Murphy

Ford to Abandon the Mercury Line: Other Products That Must Go!

 

It was announced today that Ford will discontinue the Mercury line of cars.  This is extremely sad news for me personally as many of my childhood memories center around Mercury vehicles.  No…”childhood memories” not “teenage memories.”  Jeez get your minds out of the gutter.Anyway–growing up in the thriving metropolis of El Campo, Texas, my parents owned Mercury vehicles until I was in the 6th or 7th grade.  Remember this beauty?

Love those flip up lights!  Sadly though, this product-an icon of our existence will soon be a memory.  And why?  Of course it has something to do with Bush, but that was today’s earlier post.  I think product manufacturers across the Country should take a good look at products out today and consider eliminating a few more.  Here is my list of products that probably need to go in no particular order…

1. Anatomically Correct Baby Dolls

“Realistic Folds and creases???”  And…it’s a boy!  This is simply creepy.  Is it imporant that a 5 year old play with a baby doll that is anatomically correct?  I don’t even want to meet the person that is purchasing this thing.

2.  Peek A Boo Dress and Harness in One

 

I am terrified of this product.  If I saw this walking towards me I am certain I would turn, run and scream like a girl.  If you have bought one of these, please unfriend me from Facebook right now.

3. President Obama Chia Pet

 

um…no.

4.  The Underwear Repair Kit

Okay, I know we are in a recession but a pack of 6 Hanes at Target is like $6.99.  If you are a man and you are buying this and using it–then really are you a man?

5.  The Duo Toilet

Okay, I’m sorry, I’ve been married 17 years and I still lock the door when I’m in the restroom.  The last thing I’d want to do is face someone else and have a conversation.  What kind of sickness must overtake an inventor to come up with an idea like this?

There are so many more that should go before the beloved Mercury, but alas, Ford is the one American car company that isn’t run by the Government so my guess is that they know what is best.  Now if we could just get Pepsi to cancel all of its soft drink products and eliminate Beets from the face of the Earth–then we would have it made.

-Murphy