Swine Flu Alert: Biden Scared, Michelle Devasated

In what can only be described as panic and fear, our Vice-President has issued a stern warning.  “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now.”  Except of course the confined space of Delaware.  Biden’s remarks on the Today show have some people freaked out.  We have decided to ask some Americans that actually listen to what Biden has to say with any sense that it means something so we could determine the effect of his words.

It has been hard to find someone that fits that level of say…intelligence, but we have located one upstate New Yorker that was willing to talk to us:

“We are here with Clifford Butane a resident of New York who is quite concerned about the swine flu and VP Biden’s comments”

Clifford:  “I’m so happy to talk to you about this–man I’m freaked out!”

Q:  “Well Clifford..”

Clifford:  “You can call me ‘Spark.'”

Q:  “Umm..okay, so Spark, what have you done in response to VP Biden’s remarks?”

Spark:  “Well first I really took it to my heart what he said about closed spaces so I have raised the roof if you know what I mean.”

Q:  “I don’t know what you mean.”

Spark:  “I mean I raised it–duh–look over there”

Q:  “Oh, you literally took the roof off your house?”

Spark:  “No, I didn’t write a book about it, I took the roof off so that my space would no longer be enclosed.”

Q:  “Okay, well, that is interesting.  What else have you done to prepare?”

Spark:  “I threw away all my bacon and sausage that I was storing up to eat cuz’ I was scared it might be infected.”

Q:  “Didn’t your hear that you can’t catch the swine flu from pork products?”

Spark:  “Sure, but I suppose you believe you can’t catch Asian flu from orientals neither.”

Q:  “Well, of course you can’t-that is ridiculous.”

Spark:  “Tell that to all the people in Asia with the flu.”

(awkward silence)

Q:  “Anything else you are doing to heed his warning?”

Spark:  “Yes, I am never again eating at Subway’s”

Q: “Why not?”

Spark:  “Because our VP–who I trust–said that he wouldn’t even let his family go into a Subway’s.  That’s good enough for me.”

Q:  “Thank you for your time sir.”

Spark:  “No problem–‘live long and prosper’ my friend.”

So there you have it–the public reacts to Joe Biden…

On another front, Michelle Obama is simply beside herself trying to figure out what to do about this terrible outbreak.  Unfortunately most surgical masks only come in white or that hospital greenish color.

Michelle was quoted as saying “What can I possibly wear with that hideous green color.  Nothing in my new wardrobe matches that!”  A furious Michelle is said to be barred up in the White House attempting to calm down…developing.

-Murphy

A Message For Our Graduates

Class of 2008-congrats on your achievements.  Whether they be in high school, college or graduate school–you have done well.  So now what?  You are entering a world filled with ideas and problems the likes of which you have really never encountered.  It is likely (especially you Columbia grads) that liberal professors have attempted to fill you mind with ridiculous ideas of how the utopia they think the world should be actually operates.  Forget it all.  Instead, take heed to the words of Bill Gates.  You know him–that evil capitalist that started a company in his garage and now could actually purchase Haiti, destroy it completely and not even miss the expense.  THAT Bill Gates.  He has this to say to the graduates-11 Rules of Life you did NOT learn in School:

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up,it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Congrats Grads–now get out there and kick some butt!

-Murphy

UPDATE:  Apparently Gates didn’t say these things–nevertheless, they are still true.  So to the unknown author of this wisdom I say-Bravo!